No Longer Intimidated

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt

Confidence bubbles up from within. Nothing anyone says or does can shake a truly confident core. When we feel inferior or intimidated, it is usually because we have put our sense of confidence in someone else's hands. Their judgements about our work or who we are suddenly have great sway over our own confidence. Longing for approval, we seek it from somone else, forgetting that it was in our power all along.

First of all, I apologize for the lack of blogging lately, but I have been busy on a new project (more to come later in the post)!

I am writing this post with extremely mixed emotions. I won't sugarcoat it for you...I am livid right now. I'm fed up with a certain person at work, and today I have come to the realization that I simply cannot count on this person to help me in the way that I need them to (or in the way that they should help me due to their position in the company). I think it was in my last post that I mentioned a new job opportunity had presented itself to me at work. Obviously, several weeks have gone by since I took the plunge and applied...and they still haven't filled the position, nor have I gotten any type of response in regards to why. I had just about given up hope, when another opportunity came about. The department that I applied for was hosting what they call a "roundtable presentation" last week. So of course I signed up eagerly. I thought, 'this will be the perfect chance to show my face, show them my interest in the department, and hopefully make some much needed connections for the future. So I went.

The presentation was very informative, and I actually learned quite a bit about the department as a whole...many things I did not know coming in to the session. What took me by surprise, was that the manager making the presentation knew who I was without me even introducing myself to her. She addressed me by name, and made eye contact with me while speaking. I was floored...I felt truly special. At the end of the session, they had a 5 question quiz. If you were the first to raise your hand and answer the question correct, you won a prize. I was totally into it, because let's face it, I'm really pretty competitive (not to mention I wanted to make a good impression). I answered the second question right and won a keychain (aren't you jealous?). Well I also answered the fourth question right, and won something so amazing I couldn't believe it. I won the opportunity to travel with this department to one of their upcoming events and see, firsthand, what they really do on a daily basis. I was floored! I couldn't wait to tell my boss about my prize, and express to him how honored I was to be offered this great opportunity.

As soon as I got back to my desk, I immediately went over to his desk to tell him all about it. My elation was soon gone when he started drilling me about why I thought this was such a great thing, and why I would want to go. Really??? I couldn't believe that I was having to justify my reasoning behind wanting to go. After I got back to my desk, I felt so defeated...so angry. I figured I would just go home, sleep on it, and resume my optimism the next day. When I got into the office the next day, I had an email from the manager of that department telling me that they were so excited that I was getting to come with them on a trip, and asking me which city I would be most interested in traveling to. As if that wasn't fantastic enough, today I had another email from a different manager offering me two choices of upcoming events that I could choose from. Things were just getting better and better. I felt so happy that they seemed just as excited as I was about the whole situation...I felt like they were seeking me out, instead of the other way around. This hasn't happened to me in so long, and I can't even describe what a morale boost that was.

Again, I emailed my boss to tell him the great news, and ask him what he thought would be the best event for me to attend. No response. The entire day went by without him even acknowleding that I had emailed him. So, trying to be proactive, I went to his desk to follow up. To make a long story short, he said I couldn't go on either trip. What?!? He said that I have too much work to do, and there's no way they would let me go with my current workload. For those of you who are in the mortgage industry, and especially those of you who either currently work for my company, or have in the past...you know that that same workload is always going to be there...and there will never be a time when you're considered "caught up". And to top it all off, he rudely stated "this trip has nothing to do with your job...it's a "perk". I was absolutely blown away by his lack of compassion, support, and just plain rudeness. He is my boss. He is supposed to be on my side. He is supposed to do what he can, as a manger, to help me reach my career goals. He's supposed to...but he's not. I was so incredibly angry, that I just had to walk away...I was shaking and on the verge of tears. I cannot understand why anyone would intentionally try to sabotage another person's chances at such a wonderful opportunity. I hate using the word "fair"...because I truly believe that life isn't fair...but in this particular circumstance, I do not think he is being fair at all.

How is this going to look to the managers in the other department when I have to tell them "no"? Are they going to think I'm not interested? Are they going to lose interest in me? I am so worried that this is going to ruin any chances of me ever getting a job there.

After talking to my mom for a long time tonight (and venting all of my frustrations to her), she helped me realize that he is not going to change. He is not going to all of a sudden bend over backwards to help me out. It's just not going to happen. So, that being said, I have decided to play his "game" as long as I need to. I'm going to go to work with a smile on my face every day...do what is asked of me...make sure that I give him no reason to hold me back in the future. And when I am presented with another opportunity to travel with the team (because I refuse to let him keep my from doing this), if he says no, then I will go over his head to someone who will let me.

I feel in my gut, that this chance was presented to me for a reason, and that an awesome opportunity lies in wait. It may not be right this second, but I just feel that sometime in the near future, something amazing is going to happen for me...a new door is going to open, and I will finally get what I deserve. I feel like I have earned this opportunity, and I am not going to let anyone take it away from me. The morale of the story is this: don't count on others to make you feel confident, or let them bring you down. Confidence comes from within, and I feel more confident than I have in months...and I am not going to let someone else ruin this for me (boss or no boss). I've had enough. I'm taking this matter into my own hands.

On a happier note, I have been working on my very own shop on Etsy.com. I have been wanting to seel things on there for years, but was just never confident enough to take the risk. Well I finally decided that wishing and hoping was never going to get me anywhere, and that I was ready to at least try it out and see how it went. Sooo, I have been making things like crazy over the last month, and I finally got a few things listed for sale. There are only three things for sale right now (trial and error projects I like to call them), but I have several more things ready to be posted. I am super excited that I am finally doing this, and really hope that it will be a success. So go online to Etsy.com and check out my store: Studio2626. The link is Studio2626.etsy.com. And keep checking back for new items!

Today's affirmation: "I take back my confidence. I will not let another person's opinions shake my core sense of worth"!