This has been the longest week ever...

Needless to say I am so glad it's Friday.

On Wednesday I had a CT scan of my kidneys to determine how many kidney stones I had. I have suffered from kidney stones since I was 18, and I have passed more stones than I can even count. In December, I ended up in the hospital for eight days (eight long and very scary days) because I had a stone that wouldn't pass and in turn I got a bad kidney infection. So my doctor calls me yesterday afternoon to let me know I have SEVEN stones...5 in my left kidney, and 2 in my right. As sad as this might sound, I am not even the least bit surprised by this news. The only part that I am struggling with is what measures to take in order to a) get rid of the stones I have and b) how to prevent them in the future. I read online that the most stones ever passed by one person was over 6,000!!! He passed at least one every day of his life. Can you imagine?! I would just have them remove my kidneys if that were me...I mean, who needs kidneys when you're in that much pain every single day! So my doctor said he could do minor surgery to go in and remove the stones, or I could pass them naturally. My first thought was 'seven stones is alot to pass naturally'. But if I have the surgery, then who's to say I won't develop more stones after that. I've been going back and forth with this and can't seem to make up my mind. The one thing that is making me lean towards the surgery is that it would be one day (with a couple days recovery) and all the stones would be gone. Then, we could analyze my blood and urine to determine how to prevent any in the future, or at least minimize them. But if I decide to let them pass naturally, that will mean a) so much pain I can't even fathom and b) possibly several missed days of work. So which one outweighs the other? I'll keep you posted.

This week has been a little difficult in terms of my urges to practice my eating disorder. The main reason, I think, is the fact that I have not been to the grocery store in weeks and have NO food in my house. So I've been eating a ton of fast food, frozen pizzas, and cold cereal. Not good things to eat when you have an ED. I am supposed to be on a meal plan, but ever since I moved into my new house, that has gone out the window. And I can definitely tell a difference in my mood and the way I feel every day. When I was in treatment, and was eating three square meals a day, plus three snacks, I felt better than I have in years. I miss that feeling. It's just so easy to get off track, and I definitely have. But this weekend I will go the store and I will get back on track (after I finish eating my delicious cinnamon roll from Starbucks)!

Today's affirmation: "Cool chicks eat food"

Recovery

I have been thinking for weeks about what to say in this first post. As many of you may have noticed, I haven't posted anything in over a year. This past year has been one of many ups and downs, but mostly downs which is why I am starting this blog on a clean slate.

It brings tears to my eyes to say what I'm about to say, but it's time to let those around me know what has been going on in my life so I can have all the support I need. In December I checked myself into the eating disorders program at Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas. I have been struggling with bulimia since I was 15. Fifteen years is a long time to keep such a horrible secret so I decided it was time to get the help I needed in order to live my life to the fullest and to be truly happy. It was the best decision I have ever made. In fact, that decision saved my life.

You might be wondering what treatment entailed. Well basically it invloved alot (and I mean ALOT) of eating, group and family therapy sessions, art therapy, and more therapy. The biggest misconception about eating disorders is that it is all about food and body image. That couldn't be farther from the truth; there are so many more underlying causes...some of which I didn't even realize until I started to talk about them. When a person cannot control what is going on around them, they realize that food is the one thing they can control...it's control that noone can take away. It's empowering. Empowering and unfortunately deadly. I fell into that trap in highschool when things were so crazy (I will talk more about this in another post), and it was something that I took pride in. Fifteen years later, I no longer took pride in that or myself anymore. I was miserable.

So, that being said (and what a relief it is)...I am in recovery now. No, I am not completely healed...each and every day is a struggle. Deciding what to eat is always a battle. Deciding what to wear is another battle. Deciding what to do with the food that I just ate is the biggest battle thus far, although I know there are many more that lie ahead. I rely heavily on my family to give me the support I need, eating disorder meetings (where I can talk openly and freely about my struggles with people that completely understand everything that I'm going through), and daily affirmations. But now I am reaching out to my friends (and the public) in the hopes that I can get even more support and maybe even help others that are going through something similiar. So just know that I am going to be completely honest here, whether I'm having a great day or the worst day of my life. So I hope you can come along for the ride in this new chapter of my life.

Today's affirmation: "I deserve to be loved by myself and others"