It always amazes me how words...

can evoke so much emotion within one's self. I am really trying my hardest to dig my way out of the self-pity I have been wallowing in for so long, and the daily meditations, reflections, and quotes I have been reading the last few days are really beginning to inspire me. Each daily reflection, from my "One Day at a Time" book, for the last week, has been all about self-pity, which is so fitting for my current state of mind. For the last eight months, I have dealt with one health issue after another. I have also been dealing with some major financial setbacks at work, and the combination of the two has really taken its toll on me both physically and emotionally.

To go into a little further detail about my current health struggles, I'll quickly update you on the latest prognosis (as of today). I went back to the doctor this morning for a follow-up appointment to last week's visit. I still have mono (like that would have gone away in a week), and the antibiotics he gave me for the sinus infection didn't work and the infection is still there. He prescribed a new antibiotic, which I will have to take for two weeks, three times a day. I'm a little concerned that a) I have been so susceptible to so many different infections over the last few months, and b) that it usually takes more than one round of antibiotics to clear them up. I expressed this concern to the doctor, and asked if there could possibly be an underlying issue that is causing all of the above. He quickly told me that he "didn't want to go there yet" (whatever that means), and that he had another patient he needed to get to. I was really put off by that. I can't afford to spend any more of my time and money to see a doctor that isn't willing to dig a little deeper to find the root cause of my health problems. But I am trying my hardest (and I mean my hardest) to trust him and be patient. I will give the antibiotics time to work, and will keep praying that they work this time, and that they will get rid of the infection. If they don't work this time, I will insist on being referred to a specialist who is willing to spend more time trying to figure this out. Bottom line is that I am sick of being sick! He did go ahead and send a referral over to an orthopedic back specialist so that I can get a better examination of my back/spine, and hopefully get to the bottom of that pain. So that's good news. I have to go back in one week to this doctor, for yet another follow-up visit, so please pray for me in the meantime. Ask God for healing, and also that He will give me the patience needed to wait this out (honestly, my patience has worn very thin).

Without going into too many details about work (because let's face it...who wants to hear about that), I will briefly say that money is a huge concern for me right now...and has been since returning to work from treatment in February. I am barely scraping by right now, and if it wasn't for the help of my family, I would either be out on the streets, or sitting in my house with no electricty, water, or gas. It's that bad. Again, I have done my absolute best to be patient for the last few months, but it is getting to the point where I just might have to bite the bullet and "explore other options". I know in the Bible it says that God will not give you more than you can handle...but I am losing my faith in that assurance. As scared, frustrated, and stressed out as I am, I am still trying to remain optimistic that things will turn around...and soon. But it may come to the point where I have to face reality and realize that I may need to make some changes. So again, please pray for me and my financial stability.

All of that being said, today's reflection was great. It talked about pulling yourself out of the self-pity trap by doing some "instant bookkeeping". It says that for every entry of misery on the debit side of our ledger, there needs to be a blessing to mark on the credit side (the friends and family we have, the illnesses we don't have, a clean and sober 24-hours, etc...). Furthermore, if we try our hardest, we can easily list a whole string of credits that will far outweigh the debit entries, which inevitably cause our self-pity.

The take-away prayer was this: "May I learn to sort out my debits and credits, and add it all up. May I list my several blessings on the credit side. May the ledger show me, when all is totaled, a fat fund of good things to draw on".

Here is my list of "credits", or blessings:
1. My amazing family
2. The fact that I have a nice place to call home
3. My friends that have stuck by me through the good times and bad
4. My health (seems ironic doesn't it? but I could have cancer, could be paralyzed, or have something far worse than what I currently have that could greatly affect my quality of life)
5. The fact that I am lucky enough to have a job, when there are so many people struggling to find work
6. My precious dog Riley
7. My artistic/crafty qualities that make me unique
8. The fact that I was lucky enough to attend a top-quality treatment facility that saved my life
9. The resources that I have available to me to continue living in recovery
10. The fact that I have an amazing Higher Power who will carry me when I am too weak to walk in His steps, and who will never leave my side...even if I lose my faith in Him.

I realize that I am a very lucky person. There are so many good things in my life, and I ask God that I may never take those things for granted.

Today's affirmation: "If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me, no matter how heavy my heart is or how dark the moment might be...if I can but keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true, that darkness will fade with morning and that this too will pass away. Then nothing can ever disturb me or fill me with uncertain fear...for as sure as night brings dawning, my morning is bound to appear".

I'm beginning to wonder...

if people think I'm a hypochondriac. I mean, every time I turn around there is something wrong with me. The latest issue, as I've blogged about already, is my kidney stones. I went in to surgery last Thursday extremely optimistic that I would be kidney stone free afterwards. No such luck. The doctor tells me as I'm waking up from the anesthesia that he was unable to even reach my left kidney (the one with five stones) because my urethra was too small, and he risked puncturing it if he tried to force his way in. Now he warned me that this could be a potential complication before surgery, but said that the chances of this happening was slim to none, so he wasn't worried about it. But as I'm slowly coming to my senses in the recovery room, he continues to tell me that he has placed a stent in my urethra to try and stretch it out for the next surgery. The next what? That's right...I have to have the same surgery in two weeks! While I couldn't believe what he was telling me, some small part of me was thinking how typical it was that something had gone wrong. It seems like every time there is even the slightest chance of something going wrong...it does. And I'm not saying that to sound melodramatic...I'm saying that from experience. If something can go wrong...no matter how small the chance...it usually will.

But the main reason I think people consider me a hypochondriac, is because for the last year or so my health has been the reason for many cancelled invitations to happy hours, dinners, game nights, etc. It's not that I don't want to go...it's just that I physically don't feel well enough to go. And the latest event to be cancelled is actually a party that I was having at my new house. I already postponed the party once because too many people were going to be out of town that weekend, but now I just have to flat out cancel it. I am so upset about this, and am even hesitant to send out the email advising of such. I know I shouldn't care what other people think about me...but this is getting ridiculous. I am afraid that people will think I am just making this up, and that they may never accept another invitation to a party at my house again. Okay, so maybe I'm being a little over dramatic about the whole thing, but I did cancel the big Christmas party this year because I was in the hospital for Dengae Fever.

I guess maybe 15 years of doing damage to my body is finally catching up with me. I really can't expect my health to be instantly restored once I entered recovery. And honestly, I shouldn't worry about what other people think because I have spent so much of my life doing just that. My main focus right now is me. I am finally allowing myself to be selfish for once, and my only concern is my health. It has to be. It's an odd feeling to allow yourself to be selfish...but it's a freeing thing all at the same time. It sure does cut down on the amount of stress in my life.

Today's affirmation: "I will be more understanding of the needs of others when I am able to care for my own".