Where to start this post...

So my day started off great (although I was later to work than I intended to be). I worked my rear off all day trying to get as much done as I possibly could before the end of the day. I have this huge project due (it was actually due today, but I didn't get finished), so I focused all my attention on that and ignored all the other daily tasks that I am normally required to do. I didn't answer my phone and I let the emails pile up...much to my dismay. If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's a full inbox of unread messages. But today I just didn't have a choice. At 5:00 my day took a turn for the worse. At this point I was getting ready to wind things down, even though I was only halfway through this project. Let's face it...11 hour days are exhausting. Yeah, so I didn't finish, but I'm choosing to look at it as the glass is half full...trying to remain positive.

So right as I'm finishing up my last task for the day, I get this odd text message from Jeremy. He has been in DC all week for work, was supposed to fly home tonight, and we had plans tomorrow night for a friend's birthday. He proceeds to tell me that his flight has been cancelled and he might be stuck in DC for the weekend. Hmmm, it's not winter, so there's no chance of him getting snowed in. There's no hurricanes in the DC area that I know of, so no chance of bad weather keeping him stranded. So why the cancelled flight? And why does he not seem upset about it after he told me all week long that he was so ready to come home? He must think that I'm the biggest idiot on the face of the planet...that I would actually believe this crap? So I get on the internet and check two things: 1) how far of a flight it is from DC to Cincinnati, OH where his recent ex-girlfriend lives, and 2) if in fact there were any cancelled fight departing from both airports, all major carriers, and to all cities. The first thing I found was that it is only a 48 minute flight from DC to Cincinnati. The second thing I find is that in both airports, to all cities, on all airlines, there are ZERO cancellations. I was in complete shock...I had just caught him in a boldfaced lie!! But why?

To make a long story short, I confront him about his blatant lies, and he tells me that he wants to get back together with his ex. He then continues on telling me that 'he's a jerk (for lack of a better and more appropriate word)', that 'he can never be the person I want him to be or need him to be', and that 'I deserve better'. First of all, don't patronize me! I am not a child and I think at 31 I can handle the truth. He goes on to tell me that 'you can't help who you love, no matter how hard you try' and that 'he and Robin are meant to be together'. Are you being serious right now?? HE came back into MY life after two years of no contact...HE asked ME for a second chance. At that point in my life, two months ago, I was perfectly content being single, and was finally focusing on me for the first time in my life. I didn't need a boyfriend. But I caught a small glimpse of a changed man, who seemed genuine when he told me that he would do anything to prove to me that he was different. I've decided that he's a really, really good actor to pull that off and for me to believe him (trust me, I am your #1 skeptic when it comes to things like this...I don't trust easily especially when you've hurt me once already).

By the end of the conversation, which was all via text messages, I finally told him that he was right...I do deserve better than him. I mean, come on for Pete's sake, he didn't even have the courtesy to call me! How old are we again? I told him (and not in my nicest words) that I didn't want to hear any more of his excuses for why he was ending things, and that I would appreciate it if he never contacted me again. Bam! I was so proud of myself. Don't get me wrong, I was literally shaking from anger and fighting back tears the whole time, but I felt good about what I said.

I am full of so many mixed emotions right now. I am in the anger/denial stage. I'm mad at him for being such an incredible jerk, and mad at myself that I got sucked into another relationship with him after he broke my heart two years ago for similar reasons. I'm in denial only because it is still so new...I went from having a boyfriend one minute to being single the next. I got dumped...again...twice by the same guy. I feel so foolish. And then of course I'm sad. Sad that it's over, because even if he wasn't having fun, I was. And just confused. My head is spinning.

After talking to my mom for a long time, as well as my good friend Anna, I feel somewhat better. The one thing that I am going to take away from this experience, is the confirmation that I need to continue focusing on me...I need to fix me. I've relapsed and that is unacceptable. And absolutely no guy is going to prevent me from doing what I need to do to stay in recovery. Don't get me wrong, I am still mad as hell, but I am going to use this fuel to light a fire inside of myself to get back on track. I deserve to be happy, healthy, whole, and I deserve to live my best life that God has planned for me. So there...take that Jeremy! I don't need you, and I definitely deserve better than you if this is really who you are.

Today's affirmation: "There is no turning back, especially when the journey gets rough. I have gotten another chance at life. How many really have that chance? Recovery doesn't fix everything, but it makes it possible".

I am so frustrated right now...

and need some unbiased advice. This could've waited until tomorrow morning to post, but if I don't blog about it now I may not be able to sleep tonight. As you know, Jeremy came back into my life, unexpectedly, about three weeks ago. Wait, make that a month ago. Man, where does the time go? We have been hanging out, going out on dates, talking on the phone every night, and texting each other during the day. Things are going great. It almost feels as though we never broke up in the first place...even though it's been over two years since we last dated. We both decided that, even though it feels natural to pick things up where we left off, to take things slow and start off by getting to know each other again. He just got out of a relationship (with a horrible human being by the way), and I am obviously going through my own healing process.

Because I was upfront and honest with him from the beginning about ED, he has been open and honest with me about things in his life. It's really been great...until recently. There is one issue that he has brought up on numerous occasions (tonight being one of them), that I cannot seem to wrap my head around. He does not want kids. At all. Go ahead...gasp or say "wow" because I sure did the first time it was brought up. I have always wanted to be a mommy from the time I was a little girl. I imagined having three kids, a couple of pets, and a husband that shared my love for both of the above. But he doesn't want that. At first I thought he was just being a smart ass...trying to be macho or whatever. I thought to myself...'if I happen to be the "One", and we get married, he'll change his mind'. But the more it gets brought up, the more I am beginning to realize he is dead serious. He does not want kids. I don't know what to do about this. On the one hand, this is the best thing that has happened to me in oh so long...and I don't want to end it after only four weeks because of something that he might change his mind about later on down the road. But on the other hand, if he never changes his mind, I might waste precious time with someone who doesn't share my same ideals. My head is spinning. I mean, should I really be concerned at this stage in the relationship? Should I give it more time, so we can get to know each other better and then make a decision? Should I get out now?

Tonight after I asked him if he was dead serious about the "no kids" thing...I wanted to purge so badly. I wanted to punish myself, even though I had done nothing wrong. ED was telling me that I would feel better if I threw up my dinner. I vehemently told ED to go where the sun don't shine, so yay for me. But I am still super upset over this. I honestly don't know what I should do.

I am open for suggestions, so please leave a comment.

And no affirmation right now...I am too grumpy.

Last night was great...

Jeremy showed up at my house with a bottle of wine and an orchid for me. He said he wanted to get me a plant that wouldn't die in the next couple of days, and the lady at the store said orchids were great house plants. It's absolutely beautiful. I've always loved orchids, but have never bought one because I was afraid I would kill it. I'm a little nervous about taking care of it because I tend to be a plant killer. So we'll see if I can keep this little guy alive for at least a week or two.

I was really nervous before he showed up, mainly because I haven't seen him in so long and I felt like I was going to need to impress him all over again. Silly, I know since he's the one that called me. But nonetheless I was worried that I didn't look good...and I felt insecure since I have put on a little bit of weight since we last saw each other. I must have changed clothes three or four times. I finally decided on a pair of grey pajama-like pants and a t-shirt because they were the least revealing and I knew I would be comfortable. He showed up in a suit (he had just come from work). Needless to say, I was just a bit underdressed. The whole night I kept thinking that he was looking at me and thinking 'wow, she's really gotten big since we dated'. I haven't, and I know that, but ED was in the back of my mind voicing his opinion loud and clear. I wanted to scream.

We talked for a couple of hours over a bottle of wine, and it was almost as if we had just met. Then we ate dinner (Mi Cocina...yum), and talked a little while longer. I finally couldn't stand it anymore and I just flat out asked him 'why are you here...why did you call me'. I know it was blunt, but I just had to know, and I felt like those questions were hanging in the air all night. He said that he has missed me and has thought about me alot over the last 18 months. He said that he wants to be in a relationship where someone compliments him and he them. That sounded great and all, but I was still a little resistant. I asked him what has changed since we dated, and how he feels he is different. His explanation was pretty legit, and I really felt like he was being sincere...but I'm still a little wary. It's weird...I honestly thought I would feel this overwhelming rush of emotion...like I would fall in love with him all over again. But I didn't. That's not to say that I didn't feel anything, but it just wasn't what I was expecting. I guess because I'm still not sure this is a good idea...I'm not sure if I have anything to offer him at this point in my life. I'm just overwhelmed with all these thoughts and feelings, and I'm not sure how to sort them out yet. But we have dinner plans on Saturday, so we'll see how that goes. I will say that he looked really good, and it didn't take long for me to remember how cute he was. So I'll keep you updated on everything and let you know how dinner goes this weekend.

Today's affirmation: "I am naturally beautiful when I am myself".

I am happy to report...

that I am currently kidney stone-free! Yep, that's right...I have zero stones right now. Friday I had my second surgery on my left kidney, and they were able to grab all the stones in there. They left a stent in there to prevent any swelling and/or infection, and as of yesterday that is gone as well. I am feeling great! It has been a few months since I have felt good, so I am really eating it up. Makes me realize we should never take our health for granted.

On a side note, something interesting happened the other day. I got a text from a guy I dated almost two years ago. Now I haven't talked to this guy since we broke up, and let's just say that as soon as he told me he wanted to put his career first above me and everything else, things didn't end too well. In the text he apologizes for being such a lousy human being and for treating me the way he did. Okay, so maybe he doesn't really say the lousy human being part, but he basically says that he was a jerk and he's sorry. He also says that he thinks about me often and would like to take me to dinner. What?! I mean, it's been two years...isn't our entire relationship just water under the bridge at this point? My initial reaction was that of shock and awe...I literally just stared at the text for about 15 minutes. But then after I read, re-read, and RE-READ the text, I decided 'why not'...I'll let him take me to dinner. Can't hurt anything, right? We decided that Saturday would be best for dinner, and that we would talk later in the week to decide where, etc. Yesterday, I get another text from him asking if he could bring me dinner tonight. What? Saturday is only a few days away...can he not wait to see me? I decided that he must not be able to wait, and is desperate to see me. Okay, so again I am being melodramatic, but it makes for a more interesting story. Anyway, again I say yes, so we now have dinner plans tonight and Saturday. How do two people go from not talking at all, to having two dinner dates in one week?

Now normally all of this would be super exciting and dramatic for me, but ever since treatment I have been so focused on myself, that I haven't even given dating a second thought. My treatment team strongly suggests not dating for an entire year after entering recovery. At first I thought that was ridiculous (along with most of the other stuff they told me in there), but now that I think about it, it actually makes pretty good sense. I'm not sure how strict they are on the whole "one year" thing, but I think the idea is that you not date for a while so you can focus on your recovery first, before adding in any unnecessary stressors back into your life.

Now I know what you're thinking..."it's just dinner, not a marriage proposal"! Yeah you're right, but to me it's a big deal because this will be my first date since leaving treatment and entering recovery. I just keep wondering why this is happening now. Is this a good thing?  Should I be excited, nervous, or indifferent about the whole thing? My mind is racing with thoughts, and I've found myself getting all worked up over nothing. It's the nature of the disease. But once I remember my main focus right now...recovery...my world comes back into focus. All I really need to know, is that God has a plan for me, and this date is part of his plan. There is a good reason Jeremy has entered back into my life at this point in my recovery process. I can't wait to find out why though.

Today's affirmation: "I will not feel guilty for caring for myself".