Recovery

I have been thinking for weeks about what to say in this first post. As many of you may have noticed, I haven't posted anything in over a year. This past year has been one of many ups and downs, but mostly downs which is why I am starting this blog on a clean slate.

It brings tears to my eyes to say what I'm about to say, but it's time to let those around me know what has been going on in my life so I can have all the support I need. In December I checked myself into the eating disorders program at Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas. I have been struggling with bulimia since I was 15. Fifteen years is a long time to keep such a horrible secret so I decided it was time to get the help I needed in order to live my life to the fullest and to be truly happy. It was the best decision I have ever made. In fact, that decision saved my life.

You might be wondering what treatment entailed. Well basically it invloved alot (and I mean ALOT) of eating, group and family therapy sessions, art therapy, and more therapy. The biggest misconception about eating disorders is that it is all about food and body image. That couldn't be farther from the truth; there are so many more underlying causes...some of which I didn't even realize until I started to talk about them. When a person cannot control what is going on around them, they realize that food is the one thing they can control...it's control that noone can take away. It's empowering. Empowering and unfortunately deadly. I fell into that trap in highschool when things were so crazy (I will talk more about this in another post), and it was something that I took pride in. Fifteen years later, I no longer took pride in that or myself anymore. I was miserable.

So, that being said (and what a relief it is)...I am in recovery now. No, I am not completely healed...each and every day is a struggle. Deciding what to eat is always a battle. Deciding what to wear is another battle. Deciding what to do with the food that I just ate is the biggest battle thus far, although I know there are many more that lie ahead. I rely heavily on my family to give me the support I need, eating disorder meetings (where I can talk openly and freely about my struggles with people that completely understand everything that I'm going through), and daily affirmations. But now I am reaching out to my friends (and the public) in the hopes that I can get even more support and maybe even help others that are going through something similiar. So just know that I am going to be completely honest here, whether I'm having a great day or the worst day of my life. So I hope you can come along for the ride in this new chapter of my life.

Today's affirmation: "I deserve to be loved by myself and others"