I'm beginning to wonder...

if people think I'm a hypochondriac. I mean, every time I turn around there is something wrong with me. The latest issue, as I've blogged about already, is my kidney stones. I went in to surgery last Thursday extremely optimistic that I would be kidney stone free afterwards. No such luck. The doctor tells me as I'm waking up from the anesthesia that he was unable to even reach my left kidney (the one with five stones) because my urethra was too small, and he risked puncturing it if he tried to force his way in. Now he warned me that this could be a potential complication before surgery, but said that the chances of this happening was slim to none, so he wasn't worried about it. But as I'm slowly coming to my senses in the recovery room, he continues to tell me that he has placed a stent in my urethra to try and stretch it out for the next surgery. The next what? That's right...I have to have the same surgery in two weeks! While I couldn't believe what he was telling me, some small part of me was thinking how typical it was that something had gone wrong. It seems like every time there is even the slightest chance of something going wrong...it does. And I'm not saying that to sound melodramatic...I'm saying that from experience. If something can go wrong...no matter how small the chance...it usually will.

But the main reason I think people consider me a hypochondriac, is because for the last year or so my health has been the reason for many cancelled invitations to happy hours, dinners, game nights, etc. It's not that I don't want to go...it's just that I physically don't feel well enough to go. And the latest event to be cancelled is actually a party that I was having at my new house. I already postponed the party once because too many people were going to be out of town that weekend, but now I just have to flat out cancel it. I am so upset about this, and am even hesitant to send out the email advising of such. I know I shouldn't care what other people think about me...but this is getting ridiculous. I am afraid that people will think I am just making this up, and that they may never accept another invitation to a party at my house again. Okay, so maybe I'm being a little over dramatic about the whole thing, but I did cancel the big Christmas party this year because I was in the hospital for Dengae Fever.

I guess maybe 15 years of doing damage to my body is finally catching up with me. I really can't expect my health to be instantly restored once I entered recovery. And honestly, I shouldn't worry about what other people think because I have spent so much of my life doing just that. My main focus right now is me. I am finally allowing myself to be selfish for once, and my only concern is my health. It has to be. It's an odd feeling to allow yourself to be selfish...but it's a freeing thing all at the same time. It sure does cut down on the amount of stress in my life.

Today's affirmation: "I will be more understanding of the needs of others when I am able to care for my own".