No Longer Intimidated

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt

Confidence bubbles up from within. Nothing anyone says or does can shake a truly confident core. When we feel inferior or intimidated, it is usually because we have put our sense of confidence in someone else's hands. Their judgements about our work or who we are suddenly have great sway over our own confidence. Longing for approval, we seek it from somone else, forgetting that it was in our power all along.

First of all, I apologize for the lack of blogging lately, but I have been busy on a new project (more to come later in the post)!

I am writing this post with extremely mixed emotions. I won't sugarcoat it for you...I am livid right now. I'm fed up with a certain person at work, and today I have come to the realization that I simply cannot count on this person to help me in the way that I need them to (or in the way that they should help me due to their position in the company). I think it was in my last post that I mentioned a new job opportunity had presented itself to me at work. Obviously, several weeks have gone by since I took the plunge and applied...and they still haven't filled the position, nor have I gotten any type of response in regards to why. I had just about given up hope, when another opportunity came about. The department that I applied for was hosting what they call a "roundtable presentation" last week. So of course I signed up eagerly. I thought, 'this will be the perfect chance to show my face, show them my interest in the department, and hopefully make some much needed connections for the future. So I went.

The presentation was very informative, and I actually learned quite a bit about the department as a whole...many things I did not know coming in to the session. What took me by surprise, was that the manager making the presentation knew who I was without me even introducing myself to her. She addressed me by name, and made eye contact with me while speaking. I was floored...I felt truly special. At the end of the session, they had a 5 question quiz. If you were the first to raise your hand and answer the question correct, you won a prize. I was totally into it, because let's face it, I'm really pretty competitive (not to mention I wanted to make a good impression). I answered the second question right and won a keychain (aren't you jealous?). Well I also answered the fourth question right, and won something so amazing I couldn't believe it. I won the opportunity to travel with this department to one of their upcoming events and see, firsthand, what they really do on a daily basis. I was floored! I couldn't wait to tell my boss about my prize, and express to him how honored I was to be offered this great opportunity.

As soon as I got back to my desk, I immediately went over to his desk to tell him all about it. My elation was soon gone when he started drilling me about why I thought this was such a great thing, and why I would want to go. Really??? I couldn't believe that I was having to justify my reasoning behind wanting to go. After I got back to my desk, I felt so defeated...so angry. I figured I would just go home, sleep on it, and resume my optimism the next day. When I got into the office the next day, I had an email from the manager of that department telling me that they were so excited that I was getting to come with them on a trip, and asking me which city I would be most interested in traveling to. As if that wasn't fantastic enough, today I had another email from a different manager offering me two choices of upcoming events that I could choose from. Things were just getting better and better. I felt so happy that they seemed just as excited as I was about the whole situation...I felt like they were seeking me out, instead of the other way around. This hasn't happened to me in so long, and I can't even describe what a morale boost that was.

Again, I emailed my boss to tell him the great news, and ask him what he thought would be the best event for me to attend. No response. The entire day went by without him even acknowleding that I had emailed him. So, trying to be proactive, I went to his desk to follow up. To make a long story short, he said I couldn't go on either trip. What?!? He said that I have too much work to do, and there's no way they would let me go with my current workload. For those of you who are in the mortgage industry, and especially those of you who either currently work for my company, or have in the past...you know that that same workload is always going to be there...and there will never be a time when you're considered "caught up". And to top it all off, he rudely stated "this trip has nothing to do with your job...it's a "perk". I was absolutely blown away by his lack of compassion, support, and just plain rudeness. He is my boss. He is supposed to be on my side. He is supposed to do what he can, as a manger, to help me reach my career goals. He's supposed to...but he's not. I was so incredibly angry, that I just had to walk away...I was shaking and on the verge of tears. I cannot understand why anyone would intentionally try to sabotage another person's chances at such a wonderful opportunity. I hate using the word "fair"...because I truly believe that life isn't fair...but in this particular circumstance, I do not think he is being fair at all.

How is this going to look to the managers in the other department when I have to tell them "no"? Are they going to think I'm not interested? Are they going to lose interest in me? I am so worried that this is going to ruin any chances of me ever getting a job there.

After talking to my mom for a long time tonight (and venting all of my frustrations to her), she helped me realize that he is not going to change. He is not going to all of a sudden bend over backwards to help me out. It's just not going to happen. So, that being said, I have decided to play his "game" as long as I need to. I'm going to go to work with a smile on my face every day...do what is asked of me...make sure that I give him no reason to hold me back in the future. And when I am presented with another opportunity to travel with the team (because I refuse to let him keep my from doing this), if he says no, then I will go over his head to someone who will let me.

I feel in my gut, that this chance was presented to me for a reason, and that an awesome opportunity lies in wait. It may not be right this second, but I just feel that sometime in the near future, something amazing is going to happen for me...a new door is going to open, and I will finally get what I deserve. I feel like I have earned this opportunity, and I am not going to let anyone take it away from me. The morale of the story is this: don't count on others to make you feel confident, or let them bring you down. Confidence comes from within, and I feel more confident than I have in months...and I am not going to let someone else ruin this for me (boss or no boss). I've had enough. I'm taking this matter into my own hands.

On a happier note, I have been working on my very own shop on Etsy.com. I have been wanting to seel things on there for years, but was just never confident enough to take the risk. Well I finally decided that wishing and hoping was never going to get me anywhere, and that I was ready to at least try it out and see how it went. Sooo, I have been making things like crazy over the last month, and I finally got a few things listed for sale. There are only three things for sale right now (trial and error projects I like to call them), but I have several more things ready to be posted. I am super excited that I am finally doing this, and really hope that it will be a success. So go online to Etsy.com and check out my store: Studio2626. The link is Studio2626.etsy.com. And keep checking back for new items!

Today's affirmation: "I take back my confidence. I will not let another person's opinions shake my core sense of worth"!

One Day at a Time...

"Home wasn't built in a day" - Jane Ace

The dust on the television screen is so thick, we're amazed our family members can even see the programs they watch. The grass in the backyard is so tall, rabbits can hide in it. And our inbox at work is so full it is literally tipping over.

We can be easily overwhelmed by endless housekeeping and professional workloads. We might even have trouble sleeping, wondering how we will ever catch up on our responsibilities. But if we tackle one simple task each time we walk into a room, we can slowly make a dent in the work. More important, we'll be able to sleep well at night, knowing this steady approach will also help us accomplish whatever tomorrow brings.

This daily reflection comes perfectly on the heels of yesterday's post. Lately I have been so focused on all of the "things" I have to get done on a daily/weekly basis, that I have thrown myself into an absolute frenzy. Yesterday I wrote about how sad I am, but after a little reflection of my own (and with some helpful advice from a fellow blogger and friend), I realized that the sadness I'm feeling right now is actually just immense stress. I have been so stressed that I have been punishing myself. Punishing myself for both things that I can control, and worse, for things I cannot. While I can control the cleanliness of my house, I cannot always control what happens at work. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed, that I confuse what I can and cannot control, and this creates a whirlwind of negative emotions. I also tend to overreact (shocker, I know). My mom always called me (and sometimes still does), her "little philly". Phillys are such high-strung horses, that whenever they get taken for a ride, their owners have to put blinders on their eyes so they won't get spooked. Case in point.

Today I was forced to put things into perspective. I have worked my tail off this entire month, doing everything I possibly could to ensure that I would meet my monthly goal and ultimately get paid a commission check. I even stayed really late today to make sure that all of my loans that were supposed to close this month did. It was all in vain apparently. I was one deal short of meeting my goal. One deal!!! What does this mean? First of all, it means that I won't get a commission check...again. But more importantly, it means that there's a very real possibility that I will get written up (since I was given a verbal warning last month). If I do get written up, it means that I cannot bonus for the following month. So, even if I meet my goal in September, I won't get paid for it. It also means that my chances at the job I applied for go out the window (anyone on any type of disciplinary action cannot apply for a new position for six months). So, I will be stuck in my current position for at least six months. Pretty crummy, right? I'd say so. I'm extremely proud of myself though. Once I realized that I had not met my goal, that I was not going to get paid, and that my chances at the new job were gone, I started thinking about all the positive things I had done throughout the month. I worked as much overtime as I could, which will result in a few extra bucks on my next couple of paychecks. I got caught up on my deal submissions, putting myself within the 5-day turnaround time that the department set forth. I cleaned up my inbox, getting the number of emails down to under 50. I made a daily schedule for myself (and my boss) each morning, to keep myself accountable during work, and adhered to it every day without fail. And I worked harder than I ever have before. I can say this truthfully and without hesitation. I know, deep in my heart...even if noone else recognizes it, that there was nothing else I could have possibly done to get that one extra deal this month. And that feels good. Despite all of the negative things that will result from this month, I can hold my head up high and be proud of what I accomplished.

I even carried that perspective home with me. I managed to clean the kitchen tonight and water the backyard. Sure, it's not an earth-shattering accomplishment, but it's a start. And like today's reflection says, you have to start somewhere...accomplishing one task at a time. If I can keep my work and my personal life in perspective at all times, taking on one thing at a time...eventually I won't be so overwhelmed. 

Tonight, I feel like I can sleep well knowing that I'm doing the best that I can. And that's all that matters in the end.

Today's affirmation: "Instead of racing to finish tasks, I'll work calmly and steadily until each job is done".

Silence and Strength

"May the stars carry your sadness away,
May the flowers fill your heart with beauty.
May hope foreve wipe away your tears,
And, above all, may silence make you strong." - Chief Dan George

Often, our first instinct when we're feeling sad is to fill up the empty space around us with people, noise, and activity. "Get out and see other people," our friends tell us. "Keep busy."

But it can be very healing to allow ourselves to feel our sadness fully, in silence and alone, particularly if we look for our solace in nature. Being in the natural world reminds us that everything, including sadness, eventually passes.

For so long now, I have put on a happy face, pretending that things aren't falling apart on the inside. I walk around with a smile on my face so that others don't know how I really feel. I don't want to worry anybody, and I definitely don't want anyone to think I'm a headcase. But I'm tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of trying to be something I'm not...happy. To be completely and brutally honest, I'm sad. My heart is heavy all the time. My eyes fill with tears at the drop of a hat. And I feel this immense and crushing sense of dread. Why? I wish I knew. If I knew, then I would fix it in a heartbeat. But I don't know, and I can't fix it.

Each morning I wake up with this burst of energy...ready to take on the day. I think "today I am going to work extra hard...I'm going to come home and clean the house...I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that". But then work stresses me out, I get tired, and I lose all of the energy I started the day with. I come home and don't know what to do with myself. My house is a disaster, yet I can't seem to find enough energy to clean it. There are so many things that I need to do, yet I can't find any motivation to get them done. Some days, I literally watch the clock...counting down the hours until it's time for bed. Some days, I get tired of waiting, and just go to bed at 7 or 8. There are some days I would much rather be asleep than awake. It scares me. I don't like feeling this way, but I don't know how to make it stop.

Do I want to feel this way? Of course not! Do I want to be truly and legitimately happy? Of course I do! Maybe, like today's reflection says, it's important for me to truly feel my sadness. Maybe there's a reason I'm feeling the way I am. And maybe it's part of God's plan for me to experience my sadness alone. Maybe this is the way I will heal.

May I look at the beauty of nature that surrounds me, and remember that I am not in control. May I see the sky and all of the stars...the trees and all of the beautiful flowers...may I feel the warm breeze on my face, and know that God is in control. May I be reminded that there is a power greater than myself, and know that He has a plan for me.

Today's affirmation: "When I am sad, I will sit quietly and experience my feelings. By letting myself be sad for a while, I prepare myself to move beyond my sadness".

Taking Responsibility...

"God gives the nuts, but He does not crack them" - German Proverb

If only the right opportunity were to come along, we think to ourselves, we could make a real success of things. We look with envy at others we see as being more successful. They must have gotten a big break somewhere along the way.

Chances are that we already have more opportunities than we realize. It's up to us to start recognizing these opportunities and taking advantage of them. This means actually working hard to turn opportunities into success.

I am 100% guilty of this. I look at other people in my company and think to myself that they must have been "in the right place at the right time". I think 'those opportunities will never present themselves to me...I'm just not lucky enough'. But in reality, it has absolutely nothing to do with luck. "Those people"...the ones who are more successful than I am...they are no different than me. They are human beings just like me. They had to start at the bottom at some point and work their way to where they are today. It didn't just happen overnight.

I have spent so much time complaining about my current situation at work, that I have lost sight of my overall goal...to advance in the company. I don't want to be in the same position I am now forever...it is unacceptable...I have higher goals than that. I love my job. I love my company. And I take pride in my work. I want to move up...I want to expand my knowledge...and I want to be the best that I can at my career.

An opportunity (actually two opportunities) presented themselves to me this week. There is a department in the company that I really admire, and have always thought about trying to move into...but positions just don't come available very often. This week two positions opened up. I couldn't believe it! At first I couldn't wait to apply...but the more I thought about it...the more I started to chicken out. I started to doubt my abilities, and I started to talk myself out of applying. I am so afraid of not getting the job...of "failing", that I almost didn't apply. 'How embarassing would it be to not get the job' I thought? People would think less of me...people would judge me. Then I realized how ridiculous I was being. How am I ever going to achieve my goals if I am too afraid to even try? Those "other people" that I admire so much, couldn't have been afraid to try, or they wouldn't be where they are today. You have to be willing to stick your neck out every once in a while if you want to get anywhere in life.

So that's what I did...I applied...not only for one of the positions, but for both! It's a stretch, I know, but I realized it can't hurt anything to just try. If it doesn't work out, it won't be because I didn't try...it will be because it just wasn't meant to be right now. I have been praying so hard for God to show me the way...to show me where He wants me to go. I feel as though I am stuck in a rut, and I have been asking Him to help me get out of it. I feel as though this was a sign from Him. It might not be in His plan for me to actually get the job, but I feel like it is in His plan for me to at least apply for the job. I feel like I am stepping outside of my comfort zone by doing something that intimidates me. And if it doesn't work out, then at least I will be able to hold my head high and say that I at least tried. And honestly, that's all that matters in the end.

Today's affirmation: "Ultimately, the responsibility for my success is on me, no matter what circumstances I face or what difficulties I have to overcome".

Ego and Position...

"Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it" - Colin Powell

"We're proud when we're successful at what we do. Executive, teacher, athlete, parent - we like telling people what we do. It tends to be how we define who we are - to ourselves and others.

But what happens when we retire or become empty-nesters? This can be a wrenching adjustment. We don't quite know how to introduce ourselves without a job attached to our name. Worse, we aren't even sure ourselves who we are. It's good to be invested in our work, as long as we remember that we aren't our work and our work isn't us. It's just something we do".

Oh what a concept! As much as I complain about my job...the hours, the stress, and the pay (especially the pay, or lack there of)...I often don't know what to do with myself when I'm not at work. Today was one of those days. I had one of the most stressful days today...one that nearly gave me a panic attack. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of the office...just to be anywhere but there. Yet I came home, ate dinner, and then couldn't think of anything else to do. As a matter of fact, it's almost 7:00, and I still can't think of anything to do. All I can think about is work. Did I get enough done today? What did I forget to do? What do I have to do tomorrow - will I get it all done? It's pathetic. Work absolutely consumes my mind at all times of the day...I even dream about it.

As I said in a post the other day, I'm in a little bit of trouble at work for my performance. My job is actually on the line. It doesn't make sense, does it? You would think that someone whose job was on the line, would be a slacker. You would think that they didn't care about their job. And you especially wouldn't think that they constantly obsessed over it! Yet that's me. I guess it goes back to the whole "people pleasing" idea. Despite the current situation at work, I still go above and beyond to make sure that I am doing everything right, and that noone is disappointed in me. Sometimes I think I ought to just give up and quit. Some might wonder why I continue to stress myself out to the point of panic? Why I haven't just moved on to greener pastures? That's actually a damn good question. I ask myself that question every day. Am I being an idiot here?

I just wish that, regardless of where I am working or whether I am 100% happy with my job, I could seperate my work and my life. I need to find solace in something other than working. But I just can't seem to find anything that truly makes me happy right now. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have plenty of things that are positive in my life...my wonderful family, my two precious nephews, and a few good friends...but I'm talking about something that is just mine and noone else's. Something that I can focus on that is completely seperate from my work.
I used to enjoy making jewlery, but I can't remember the last time I sat down to make a pair of earrings. I used to like to color...or make collages. But even those pleasurable things seem to create an unbelievable amount of stress now. My mind is just so overwhelmed that, even when I sit down to try and relax, I can't. I feel like I am trapped inside my own head screaming to get out.

If only I could learn to leave work at the office, and leave my personal life at home in the morning...I think my life would be so much better. And if only I could remember the simple pleasures in life...I might be able to calm my brain down when I get home from a long day. I don't know how other people do it...

Today's affirmation: "I love my work, but my life - and who I am - are more than my work. I will make sure that I have other sources of satisfaction".

Tomorrow's Joke...

"The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow" - H.G. Wells

When we're in the midst of a dreadful time, it often helps to remember that one day we'll be able to tell a great story about it, one we'll laugh at. We'll laugh because, in retrospect, what we thought was a crisis really wasn't so serious after all. Or we'll laugh because we made it through the crisis and came out stronger on the other side.

I have been pouring over all of my inspirational books for days now, desperately searching for words, phrases, and prayers to help me keep the nasty, negative and pessimistic attitude I have lurking inside me, at bay. If there's one thing that I don't want, is to look back at this dark time in my life, and wish I would have handled it with more maturity. But that nastiness and negativity is right under the surface...right on the tip of my tongue. It is literally all I can do not to utter a thousand curse words at God right now. It's all I can do to not walk into my director's office and tell him how I really feel. And it's all I can do to keep a smile on my face every day. I am so beat down...both physically and emotionally.

Reading the above daily inspiration, reminds me, again, that this time in my life is only temporary. I know I have said that numerous times already...but reitterating it over and over again helps me actually believe it. And if I have to say it a hundred more times in order to get through this time, you better believe I will do just that.

Today's affirmation: "I'll try to keep my perspective, remembering that even the worst day is only one small moment in my life".

Today I pray: "May God keep me from worrying unduly about small things. May He, instead, open my eyes to the grandeur of His universe and the ceaseless wonders of His earth. May He grant me the breadth of vision which can reduce any small, fretful concern of mine to the size of a fly on a cathedral window".

Strength and Time for Change...

I was reading my "Daily Book of Positive Quotations" book tonight, desperately looking for some much needed words of encouragement, and I happened across these two topics that are exactly what I needed. Today was, hands down, the worst day I have had at my job since starting with the company over four years ago. I know in previous posts, I have touched upon the issues I am, and have been for some time now, dealing with at work. The issues are seperate in nature, but in the end directly affect the other. As I previously mentioned, I have not been receiving commission checks for six months now. This is the result of not meeting my monthly goals that are set forth by management. Not reaching goal = not getting paid. It's as simple as that. You would think that there's a very simple answer to that problem...work harder. Right? Not the case. I have more work to do now, than I ever have had before, and I simply cannot keep up. And I feel completely confident when I say that I have been busting my butt each and every day that I am in that office...from the time I walk in the door at 7:00 am, until the time I leave at 4:00 pm (although lately it's been more like 5:30 or 6:00). But despite all of my hard work, it just simply isn't making a difference. I'm still not getting paid. It's so bad, that last month I didn't have enough money to pay my rent, much less my utilities. I had to borrow money from family, which is such a hard thing to swallow at the age of 31...especially since I have been completely financially stable for the last four years.

I have tried to remain optimistic these last six months...thinking that 'next month things will turn around'...'next month I'm bound to reach goal and get paid'. Well, six months have gone by and still nothing has changed. Today was the icing on the cake. My manager called me into his office and gave me a 'verbal warning'...which those of you that work in the corporate world know is basically the same thing as a written warning. Regardless of if it's verbal or in writing, it's never a good thing. Not to mention, it's extremely humiliating and a complete punch in the gut. I couldn't believe it. I have NEVER gotten in trouble for anything the entire time I've been with the company, and now that I am working harder than ever before, I am getting a warning that I need to improve my production or I could ultimately be let go?? I am in complete disbelief.

The first reflection I read today talked about strength.

"What does not destroy me, makes me stronger" - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Tough times can make us stronger and wiser. Knowing this doesn't really make tough times any easier, though-at least not while we're going through them. But it's worthwile to remind ourselves often of this truth.

Of course, we get stronger not simply because we go through tough times, but because we call upon our best selves to find our way through them. We draw upon our humor, patience, courage, and other qualities and, in doing so, learn the power of our inner resources.

The second reflection talked about a time for change.

" Change before you have to" - Jack Welch

When we have to change, we change. When we have no other choice, we do what we have to do. We may not like it-we may even resent it-but we do it anyway, and we find a way to deal with it.

But what if instead of simply reacting to change, we initiated change ourselves? What if we anticipated the need for change and actively planned for it in both our personal and professional lives? What if we acted before change was forced on us?

Such powerful words...and oh how fitting for my situation. I am dealing with an unbelievable amount of stress, both personally and professionally, and am having to call upon my most powerful inner resources just to make it through the day sometimes. What gets me through most days, is the voice inside of my head that is telling me 'things will get better'. I am doing my best to power through these tough times, and I must say that I am learning alot about myself in the meantime. I know a lot of people who would have given up at this point, but the fact that I can still remain positive and optimistic despite adversity, says alot about my character.

But despite my optimism and my positive attitude, even I can realize when it's time to make a change. I am toying back and forth with two options here. Either I can change the way I am currently working, in an effort to increase my productivity...or I can look for a new job. I really don't want to choose the latter option, but I have a gut feeling that that's the path I will more than likely take. It saddens me beyond words to even think about leaving the company I have loved for more than four years. My heart and soul is in that company (as corny as that sounds), but it has been more than just a "job" for me. I enjoy going to work each day (okay, most days), I enjoy the people I work with, and I actually like the job that I do. I don't want to leave. But if I am doing the very best that I can do each day, and it is still not good enough, then maybe it's time to say "enough is enough" and move on. Afterall, you can only do so much before realizing you're spinning your wheels and getting absolutely nowhere. And like the reflection above said...sometimes it's better to act before change is forced upon us. Unless something drastically changes, and soon, my decision is inevitable.

Please pray for me as I try and figure out the best course of action for myself. I have a difficult decision to make, and I need all the support I can get.

Today's affirmation(s): "I will survive the difficult periods in my life. And after each one, I will be a stronger, more resilient person".

"If change is good-and it can be- maybe I should deliberately push myself to change once in a while".