Silence and Strength

"May the stars carry your sadness away,
May the flowers fill your heart with beauty.
May hope foreve wipe away your tears,
And, above all, may silence make you strong." - Chief Dan George

Often, our first instinct when we're feeling sad is to fill up the empty space around us with people, noise, and activity. "Get out and see other people," our friends tell us. "Keep busy."

But it can be very healing to allow ourselves to feel our sadness fully, in silence and alone, particularly if we look for our solace in nature. Being in the natural world reminds us that everything, including sadness, eventually passes.

For so long now, I have put on a happy face, pretending that things aren't falling apart on the inside. I walk around with a smile on my face so that others don't know how I really feel. I don't want to worry anybody, and I definitely don't want anyone to think I'm a headcase. But I'm tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of trying to be something I'm not...happy. To be completely and brutally honest, I'm sad. My heart is heavy all the time. My eyes fill with tears at the drop of a hat. And I feel this immense and crushing sense of dread. Why? I wish I knew. If I knew, then I would fix it in a heartbeat. But I don't know, and I can't fix it.

Each morning I wake up with this burst of energy...ready to take on the day. I think "today I am going to work extra hard...I'm going to come home and clean the house...I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that". But then work stresses me out, I get tired, and I lose all of the energy I started the day with. I come home and don't know what to do with myself. My house is a disaster, yet I can't seem to find enough energy to clean it. There are so many things that I need to do, yet I can't find any motivation to get them done. Some days, I literally watch the clock...counting down the hours until it's time for bed. Some days, I get tired of waiting, and just go to bed at 7 or 8. There are some days I would much rather be asleep than awake. It scares me. I don't like feeling this way, but I don't know how to make it stop.

Do I want to feel this way? Of course not! Do I want to be truly and legitimately happy? Of course I do! Maybe, like today's reflection says, it's important for me to truly feel my sadness. Maybe there's a reason I'm feeling the way I am. And maybe it's part of God's plan for me to experience my sadness alone. Maybe this is the way I will heal.

May I look at the beauty of nature that surrounds me, and remember that I am not in control. May I see the sky and all of the stars...the trees and all of the beautiful flowers...may I feel the warm breeze on my face, and know that God is in control. May I be reminded that there is a power greater than myself, and know that He has a plan for me.

Today's affirmation: "When I am sad, I will sit quietly and experience my feelings. By letting myself be sad for a while, I prepare myself to move beyond my sadness".

I just haven't been in the mood to blog lately (1 of 2)...

It's not that I don't have a lot going on in my life right now, or that I don't have much to say...I just feel like I have been in such a funk lately that people might not want to read my blog anymore if I posted how I truly feel some days. I'm still in a little bit of a funk, but feel like I am slowly coming out of it.

First of all, I developed this random fever that stayed with me for nine days. Nine days!! It was only 100.5, but it was enough to make me feel terrible (which didn't help my mood either). The bad thing about it was that there was really nothing wrong. I had a slight sore throat, a mild headache, and the fever...but nothing substantial enough to put my finger on. So I was just "sick", but not really sick...if that makes any sense at all. The fever is finally gone, so I am starting to feel better...slowly. I have an appointment with my urologist on Wednesday as a follow-up to my kidney surgery, so I'm going to mention it to them just to rule out anything with my kidneys. Lord, let's hope that there's nothing else wrong with them. If he tells me that there's something else wrong, I'm just going to tell him to remove both of them...and I'm serious (okay not really, but I'll be really upset).

Jeremy and I got into a slightly heated conversation about the "no kids" thing the other day. I asked him why he doesn't want any, and he spouted off a few valid (although lame in my opinion) reasons. For instance, he says they are too expensive. I told him you don't need to be a millionare in order to have children. He disagreed. He said kids take away from the valuable time you get to spend with your wife. I told him that kids only bring you closer together as a husband and wife. He disagreed. He also said that he just doesn't like kids. Well that point was put to the test the other night on the 4th of July. His parents had a party, and we stopped by for a little while. The second we walked in the door, two little boys ran up to Jeremy and wanted to "play wrestle". Jeremy immediately started playing with them, and he was amazing! The way he interacted with these kids melted my heart. It completely contradicted what he said about not liking them. When I asked him why he said he doesn't like kids, when clearly he does, he said it's because he gets to give them back to their parents at the end of the night. Hogwash. I honestly think he is just being stubborn. I know that is something really strange to be stubborn about, but I just think he's full of it. So...needless to say, I am not going to let this come between us at this time. We have both agreed to disagree for now. Now in six months, if we're getting more and more serious, and he still vehemently says he doesn't want kids...then I may need to make a decision at that point. But I'm having too much fun right now to break this off on a "what if" scenario.

Work has been another factor in my "funk" lately. I really try hard not to complain about my job because I absolutely love the company I work for, and it's the people I work with that keep me there. Granted, ever since we took a bailout from the government, things have gone down the toilet...but I just try to count my blessings that I still have my job. I have played many different roles since I started four years ago, the most recent (and longest lasting) role has been working with our internal lending branches to refinance homeowners (short refinances). I started this role right when the project rolled out two years ago and noone knew what they were doing...I love this role...and I am good at this role. I take pride in all of this. But about two months ago, I was given additional work because the refinance referrals were slowing down, and the bosses didn't think I had enough to do in an eight hour work day. About three weeks after the additional work was piled on, thing picked back up in the refinance world and I became slammed. The additional work was not taken away, so I found myself doing two jobs at once...dividing up my day between the two. Apparently, I have not been very successful at doing this because my boss told me the other day he was disappointed in my recent performance. I was heartbroken. Like I said, I take pride in being a good and valuable employee, and have never once (in my four year tenure) had a boss tell me I was doing a less than par job. My initial reaction was to be defensive and mad...but after thinking it through, I decided to be a big girl and take the criticism constructively. So, for the last few days, I have been working my butt off trying to prove that I can handle anything they throw at me...trying to redeem my good name. I'm stressed to say the least. But I'm trying to remain optimistic...looking for the silver lining in this whole thing (something I wouldn't have been able to do before treatment).

Well, like I said in the beginning of this post, I knew it would become really long...so let's call this "1 of 2".

More to this post later...

Today's affirmation: "Today I will develop my optimistic attitude: I am in charge of my life".

Sweet Vivian

Please pray for this precious little girl, Vivian. I have known Vivian her entire life, and her family for over 17 years. This family is beyond amazing, and they hold a very special place in my heart. Sweet Vivian is dangerously ill and on a ventilator in the PICU. I won't go into any more details, as you can read about her here: http://www.weaselsjourney.com/
Please say a special prayer that God will heal this child and offer comfort and understanding for the family. I truly believe in the power of prayer and the plans that God has set in place for each and every one of us.

Brooke