Dear Ed...

I wish we had never met. I often think how different my life would be now if that were true. Would I be married? Would I have children? Would I have genuine and meaningful relationships with others? Would I love myself more than I do today? What a different plan I had in place for my life! I feel as though our relationship has robbed me of the last fifteen years. I look back at that time and wonder how so much time has just passed me by. I feel completely cheated...betrayed. For so long I trusted in you! I remember how comforting and reassuring your voice was all those times I felt so completely alone and afraid. You told me everything would be okay if I just trusted in you. And I believed you. Because of this I am more alone than ever. I remember how convincing you were when you told me that you knew what was best for me and noone else could be trusted. Again I believed you. Because of this I shut others out. And I vividly remember all those times when you told me I wasn't good enough unless I was skinny and perfect. That voice is louder than all the others and sometimes is the only one I can hear. For the last time...I believed in you. I have sacrificed so much of myself for so long that I no longer remember who I am. All I know is that I am sick.

Perhaps this is the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life, and it is with a heavy heart that I am ending this relationship. For so long I have sat on the sidelines and watched you play the game for me. I have forgotten how to laugh...how to be content...how to love. You have taken so much from me that for once I fear for my life, and I refuse to die in your arms. I want my life back! I want to be healthy, happy, and peaceful. I want the life that God has planned for me...the life he had planned for me before I was even born.

From now on you are not allowed in my life. Starting now I am going to be the person you never wanted me to be. And I will do whatever it takes to keep you at bay. I will not look at you, talk to you, or even acknowledge your existence. You are dead to me. I wish I could say it was a pleasure knowing you.

This is a break-up letter I wrote to Ed during treatment. I read it aloud during process group, and cried as I did. Just saying those words out loud was more empowering than I could have ever imagined. In light of my recent struggles with food, work, health, etc..., I felt it was time to pull out this letter and read it aloud again. And I also wanted to share it with you so you can understand, on a deeper level, the pain and regrets I carry with me because of my eating disorder. It not only robs you of your physical health...it also robs you of your entire life.

I often still wonder how different my life would be now had I never succumbed to ED. Even though I know that I have been given a brand new chance at life, I still struggle with the "what ifs". I still struggle with letting go of my past, and often relive certain times in my life trying to figure out what I could have done different (this goes along with the whole perfection thing, and always wanting to please others). When I catch myself doing this, I have to remind myself that my past is how I got to where I am today...it shaped the person I am now...mistakes and all. Afterall, mistakes are what help us learn and grow as individuals. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way. But despite the hard road I had to take to get to the current stage in my life, I am happy to be here now, and I like who I am. I like me.

Today's affirmation: "I forgive myself and others, release the past and move forward with love in my heart".

I just realized...

I forgot to post my decision regarding the surgery for my kidney stones. I've decided to go ahead and have it...in fact, the surgery is this Thursday. It's soon, I know! I talked it over with my family and my doctor, and ultimately the decision came down to what I thought would be best for me. It wasn't that hard of a decision, afterall, when I weighed the pros and cons. I can't afford (in the literal sense of the word) to miss a bunch of work when these stones do decide to pass, and honestly, I just don't want to deal with the hassle of it...the ER visits, the pain mediciation, and most of all the PAIN! The surgery isn't that big of a deal, or at least I thought so, until my doctor told me it would take three hours. What? I've had my tonsils out in less time than that! I mean it's not major open heart surgery, or anything like that, but I guess it's a little complicated just because of the way they have to get to the kidneys, etc. So please pray that the surgery will go well, and I'll have a smooth recovery.

It's funny because when I was in treatment, my treatment team talked about the "tools of recovery" all day long. They pretty much tried to brainwash us with them. Okay, so not really, but I swear, the answer to any question was "have you used your tools today"? Gag. I'm not one for that hokey pokey type nonsense, and believe me when I tell you that I fought with them for weeks about those damn tools. I didn't want to use their tools, and I definitely didn't need their tools...I was going to get in recovery my own way (are you starting to sense that I had a hard time adapting to their rules?). The #1 tool they pushed us to utilize was journaling. I can honestly say that I did not journal once the entire 9 weeks I was there. I just wasn't going to do it.

They also pushed other tools like peer phone calls, praying to your "Higher Power", deep breathing, etc. I really didn't have a hard time utilizing the other tools, because they didn't require much work. Sounds lazy, I know. Now that I look back on my time there, I really wish I had journaled more (okay, at all). I wish I could go back and read through those journal entries and see how far I've come...see the things that I was working through and what I still find that I need to work on even after treatment. I also have come to understand why I never journaled. Now this is going to sound crazy, but trust me when I say that it makes perfect sense in my head. I never journaled because I didn't think it would be perfect. I thought that I wouldn't be able to come up with the perfect words to put down on paper. And then I would have to look at this imperfect mess of a journal, and it would drive me crazy. Probably crazy to the point that I would have to tear out all the pages and start over. I know...it seems silly. But I have OCD and a severe case of perfectionism...almost to the point that it's crippling sometimes. It keeps me from wanting to do certain things in fear that I won't be good enough at it, or I'll start something and then obesess over it until it's perfect. I hate that about myself. So that's the main reason I started this blog...as my journal. This way, I can write down everything that's on my mind, but I can edit it as I go...haha. No really, this is helping me tremendously. Better late than never, right?

Today's affirmation: "I will not be intimidated"