I just haven't been in the mood to blog lately (2 of 2)...

I don't know what I would do without my family...they are my foundation, my rock, my salvation. As you know from previous posts, I haven't been doing very well with my eating. I have developed a love/hate relationship with food. Some mornings I wake up starving, but when I think about eating something, my stomach turns and I get nauseous. Other mornings I wake up not hungry at all, and it continues like that throughout the day. I have gotten back into the habit of just having coffee in the morning (along with my morning cigarettes), and then a Diet Coke for lunch. By the time the afternoon rolls around I am sick with hunger. I get home and stare into the refridgerator, wanting to eat something, but can't seem to force myself to take a bite...of anything. It's sickening. If it weren't for my mom and sister, I would go days without eating. My mom has been eating dinner with me almost every night for two weeks...and my sister has even brought me dinner a few times (usually some of whatever she is making for her family). This really has been my saving grace. I must say I've had some pretty tasty meals lately (Pei Wei tonight for instance)! Even though I'm eating food, and putting nourishment into my body, I am feeling guilty about it the whole time. It is all I can do to refrain from purging. I wish I could go back in time and start a new relationship with food...develop a healthy respect for it, rather than a loathing for it. I still don't understand (no matter how much treatment I went through) why I have this unhealthy relationship with something God intended to be good. I may never understand it to be honest. But I am just so thankful to have such a wonderful, patient, and understanding family.

On a side note, my friend, Erin, from treatment is in town for a month or so. She goes to school in California, so once she coined out of treatment, it was back to the West coast for her. This is the one person I connected with the most while in treatment...someone I relate to, respect, and care for deeply. She is an amazing Christian woman dealing with her own issues with food (completely different from mine). I am thrilled to death that I get to see her soon! At first I wanted to avoid her because I'm not doing that great ED wise...but then I realized if anyone will understand, it's Erin. So I plan on being completely honest with her about what I'm going through, and look to her for support and advice. This is one reason I haven't been going to my support meetings...because I'm ashamed. Ashamed of falling back into the grips of ED. Ironic don't you think? The one place that I can go to for support, where I'm surrounded by other people who know exactly what I'm going through, is the one place I am shying away from. This is exactly what ED does...he controls your life...he wants you to be ashamed so you will isolate yourself from people who care. Well I say 'no more being ashamed'!!! I am who I am. I have an eating disorder. I am human just like everyone else, and I am NOT perfect by any means. I will falter. But I will pick myself back up and persevere down the road of recovery. I can do it!

Today's affirmation: "Each day I am more able to love and forgive myself".

I just haven't been in the mood to blog lately (1 of 2)...

It's not that I don't have a lot going on in my life right now, or that I don't have much to say...I just feel like I have been in such a funk lately that people might not want to read my blog anymore if I posted how I truly feel some days. I'm still in a little bit of a funk, but feel like I am slowly coming out of it.

First of all, I developed this random fever that stayed with me for nine days. Nine days!! It was only 100.5, but it was enough to make me feel terrible (which didn't help my mood either). The bad thing about it was that there was really nothing wrong. I had a slight sore throat, a mild headache, and the fever...but nothing substantial enough to put my finger on. So I was just "sick", but not really sick...if that makes any sense at all. The fever is finally gone, so I am starting to feel better...slowly. I have an appointment with my urologist on Wednesday as a follow-up to my kidney surgery, so I'm going to mention it to them just to rule out anything with my kidneys. Lord, let's hope that there's nothing else wrong with them. If he tells me that there's something else wrong, I'm just going to tell him to remove both of them...and I'm serious (okay not really, but I'll be really upset).

Jeremy and I got into a slightly heated conversation about the "no kids" thing the other day. I asked him why he doesn't want any, and he spouted off a few valid (although lame in my opinion) reasons. For instance, he says they are too expensive. I told him you don't need to be a millionare in order to have children. He disagreed. He said kids take away from the valuable time you get to spend with your wife. I told him that kids only bring you closer together as a husband and wife. He disagreed. He also said that he just doesn't like kids. Well that point was put to the test the other night on the 4th of July. His parents had a party, and we stopped by for a little while. The second we walked in the door, two little boys ran up to Jeremy and wanted to "play wrestle". Jeremy immediately started playing with them, and he was amazing! The way he interacted with these kids melted my heart. It completely contradicted what he said about not liking them. When I asked him why he said he doesn't like kids, when clearly he does, he said it's because he gets to give them back to their parents at the end of the night. Hogwash. I honestly think he is just being stubborn. I know that is something really strange to be stubborn about, but I just think he's full of it. So...needless to say, I am not going to let this come between us at this time. We have both agreed to disagree for now. Now in six months, if we're getting more and more serious, and he still vehemently says he doesn't want kids...then I may need to make a decision at that point. But I'm having too much fun right now to break this off on a "what if" scenario.

Work has been another factor in my "funk" lately. I really try hard not to complain about my job because I absolutely love the company I work for, and it's the people I work with that keep me there. Granted, ever since we took a bailout from the government, things have gone down the toilet...but I just try to count my blessings that I still have my job. I have played many different roles since I started four years ago, the most recent (and longest lasting) role has been working with our internal lending branches to refinance homeowners (short refinances). I started this role right when the project rolled out two years ago and noone knew what they were doing...I love this role...and I am good at this role. I take pride in all of this. But about two months ago, I was given additional work because the refinance referrals were slowing down, and the bosses didn't think I had enough to do in an eight hour work day. About three weeks after the additional work was piled on, thing picked back up in the refinance world and I became slammed. The additional work was not taken away, so I found myself doing two jobs at once...dividing up my day between the two. Apparently, I have not been very successful at doing this because my boss told me the other day he was disappointed in my recent performance. I was heartbroken. Like I said, I take pride in being a good and valuable employee, and have never once (in my four year tenure) had a boss tell me I was doing a less than par job. My initial reaction was to be defensive and mad...but after thinking it through, I decided to be a big girl and take the criticism constructively. So, for the last few days, I have been working my butt off trying to prove that I can handle anything they throw at me...trying to redeem my good name. I'm stressed to say the least. But I'm trying to remain optimistic...looking for the silver lining in this whole thing (something I wouldn't have been able to do before treatment).

Well, like I said in the beginning of this post, I knew it would become really long...so let's call this "1 of 2".

More to this post later...

Today's affirmation: "Today I will develop my optimistic attitude: I am in charge of my life".

I need some major support right now...

They told us in treatment that it's not uncommon for someone with an ED to switch the type of disease they have. So someone who is anorexic, and is forced to eat massive amounts of food in treatment, might become bulimic in order to control their food intake...and vice versa. I always said that there was no way I could ever become anorexic because, well let's face it,  I love food too much. But lately it seems like I am slipping into those types of anorexic behaviors. Last week was such a mess for me at work...I couldn't focus on anything to save my life. I was forgetful, distracted, and extremely restless during the day. It was so bad that my boss, and one of my good friends asked me what was wrong. I was diagnosed with adult onset ADD about two years ago, and began taking medicine to help me get through the day (prescribed by my psychiatrist by the way). What a difference it made! Within a few days I was focused, proactive, and my productivity at work increased tenfold. It really was a night and day difference. But when I entered treatment at Presby, they changed all of my medications, and one of the ones they took away was my ADD medicine. The type of drug I was taking was a stimulant...pretty much like taking pure speed. It was also an appetite suppressant...obviously something that I didn't need while they were trying to re-feed my body. At first, I didn't really notice that much of a difference not being on the medicine. Of course I was eating six meals a day and drinking plenty of fluids to stay hydrated. My body was functioning on a level that it hadn't in years...I felt great. But once I got back into the real world, I slowly fell off my meal plan...stopped drinking as much water and milk...and ultimately started to feel lethargic once again. To make a long story short, my ADD came back. So last Monday I decided to take one of my pills (I still have almost a whole prescription left). I immediately felt the stimulation and was able to get so much accomplished last week at awork...it was great. But needless to say, my appetite diminished completely. I think I may have eaten three whole meals the entire week. I snacked on stuff here and there throughout the day...but just couldn't bring myself to eat a whole meal. It's funny when you have an ED. It only takes one day of not eating...feeling the effects of your flat stomach...the elation you feel when you put on your clothes and they are a little bit bigger than the day before...and just the sense of power you get from not eating to fall right back into old habits. I went to a pool party yesterday, and felt so confident in my bikini because my stomach was as flat as a board. I almost felt high. It's so sick, I know...but it just goes to show you how baffling and cunning this disease really is.

So here it is, Sunday around 5:00 and I haven't eaten one single thing all day. I just cannot bring myself to put anything in my mouth. I don't want to feel full, and I definitely don't want to regain the few pounds I have lost this last week. But at the same time I'm scared...scared of what is happening to me right now. I don't want to fall back into old habits, and I definitely don't want to relapse completely and end up back in treatment. I'm not sure what kind of support I need right now. I don't want people asking me every two minutes, "so what have you eaten today"..."how many times have you eaten today, Brooke". That will drive me nuts, and I may just deck someone in the face (okay, not really), but I will become super defensive. So I'm not sure what I'm asking for here...I just know that something has to change, and quick. Most of all, I just needed to be honest about what is going on, because if there's one, and one thing only, that I took away from treatment it's that our secrets keep us sick.

Today's affirmation: "I ask for help when I need it".

I've finally decided that...

ice cream is my #1 trigger food. I absolutely hate to post this because I know it is going to upset/worry some people...but I had a slight setback last night. Actually, I have had a couple in the last week or so. I know what is causing it...it's the whole summer/bathing suit thing. I am leaving for the river in three days, and I am so worried about the whole thing. Those of you that  know me, know that I absolutley love Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I know it's hard for me to just eat a little bit, but yet I still insist on buying it. In fact, I've even told my psychiatrist this, and he advised me not to buy it at all. Yet I do. I went to the store yesterday and bought two pints. I woke up in the middle of the night hungry (which seems to be a pattern of late), and ate an entire pint. It's strange because I only intended to eat a few bites, which I have done on so many other occasions with no problem, but last night I couldn't stop. One minute I am enjoying the taste of the chocolate, and the next I am inhaling it like there's no tomorrow. The whole situation changed in a matter of seconds. That's typically the way it works on a binge...it's like going from 0 to 90 in no time. The whole time I kept thinking to myself, 'you need to stop now...you need to stop now'...but I was also thinking 'why stop now when you've already consumed too many calories and you know you need to get rid of it'. In my mind, there was no turning back. Once I was finished, I felt so much guilt and shame that I had a really hard time falling back asleep. This morning my stomach hurts as well as my throat. I am so mad at myself.

I don't want anyone to think that I have relapsed, because that is not what this means. In treatment, and in my weekly support group meetings, they say that setbacks are pretty normal. They also say that it does not mean we have fallen off the path of recovery...we've only taken a small step backwards. I am confident of this. I do not feel that I am going back to my old ways by any means. I just faltered a little bit and now I just need to focus on what I learned in treatment. I know what to do...I know how to get back on track. The most important thing, is that I definitely don't need to buy any ice cream for a while. Sorry Ben, sorry Jerry...I need to take a hiatus from your luciously delicous concoctions. They're just not good for me right now.

Today's affirmation: "I will resist anything that takes me off the chosen path of recovery".

Yesterday was a very trying day for me...

my company had a "team building" activity for my department. We all got to leave work at 1:30, and head to a nearby park for the event. Once we got there, we divided into teams for a relay type obstacle course. Now keep in mind that it was right in the middle of the day in the blazing Texas heat...it was over 90 degrees. We were allowed to wear athletic attire since we would be running, etc. Of course I didn't want to wear my jeans because I knew I would be absolutely miserable...so I wore shorts. I hate wearing shorts. Not only do I not like wearing shorts around people I know, I definitely don't like wearing them around a bunch of people I don't. Now I know that I'm not overweight, fat, etc...but I was SO self concious the entire time. I felt like everybody was staring at me and judging me. I just knew that they were saying how ugly and fat my legs were and how unattractive they were. I just knew it. My mind was racing with these horrible, negative thoughts, and it just consumed me. So much so that I really didn't have a good time. All I could think about was getting out of there into the confines of my house...away from the judgement and ridicule. To make matters worse, they cooked hamburgers and hot dogs after the event, and of course I was starving. I hadn't eaten lunch since we left the office so early, and the food smelled so good. But again, my mind was racing and I just couldn't bring myself to eat in front of everyone. I literally froze. On one hand my stomach was telling me that I needed to eat...I wanted to eat. But on the other hand, my brain was telling me that people would judge me if I did eat. It was awful. So there I sat, hot, hungry and conflicted...watching other people enjoy themselves. It was all I could do not to go running in the other direction. I don't know why this is happening to me. Before treatment...before everyone knew my "secret"...I probably wouldn't have had a problem grabbing a plate and chowing down. But ever since people found out about ED, I just can't bring myself to do it. It frustrates me beyond belief! I know that I have to get over this fear...that in order to heal I must force myself to face these daunting challenges...challenges that are so mundane to the rest of the world. It's times like these that make me realize how overpowering ED really is. That no matter how far I've come in the recovery process, I still have a long way to go. It's eye opening.

When I got home I was even more starving, and I was really craving a hamburger. So I went to the grocery store and bought stuff to make my own burger. I invited my mom over for dinner and we both enjoyed a delicous, home cooked, meal. I feel safe eating in front of my family...I know they don't judge.

Each and every day I discover new challenges in my life. I am reminded that life with ED is never going to be easy. But now I know that I can take a step back from these challenges and work through them with a completely new mindset. It amazes me every time how much I have grown in the last few months. I feel empowered...but empowered in a new and good way.

Today's affirmation: "One step at a time. That is how I will get where I am going".