Ed = 1, Brooke = 0

Ed has completely taken ahold of me yet again. As much as I've been kicking and screaming, trying to resist his grasp, I have found myself getting weaker and weaker...until finally he has won this most recent battle. I went from not wanting to eat anything at all, to wanting to eat everything in sight.

I've been thinking for the last few days...trying to come up with a way to get back ontop...to get back on track. The first step, I've decided, is going to be to start going back to my meetings twice a week. I've been avoiding them like the plague because a) I've been lazy, and b) I've been too ashamed to explain why I've been away for so long. But, I know that I need to surround myself with people again...the same people who helped me get into recovery the first time. I realize that these people are not my enemy...ED is.

Each time I slip back into old habits, my mom's face pops into my head. I remember each Thursday that she took off of work to be there for me in family therapy. Each time she listened, learned, and took notes in order to help me get better. I remember when she, my sister, and brother-in-law gave me a pendant that says "Fear not, for I am with you". I cried. I remember the last family therapy session she attended...I remember how she told me with tears in her eyes that she was so proud of me. I don't think she'd be proud of me now.

So the second step I've decided is going to be to stay with my mom for a few days. At first I thought I needed to check myself into the inpatient ward at the hospital...just to have constant supervision from doctors and to get myself back on a meal plan. But with work being so crazy busy, I realized I just cannot do that right now. And honestly, I don't think that's what I need. I have the tools to get back on track...I know what to do. I just need someone to eat with me (to make sure I eat), and to be around someone so I don't give into my urges to purge. I think that if I can get a good week under my belt, I can do the rest on my own. And no, I'm not being stubborn, I'm just saying that I know what I need to do to stay in recovery.

So that's the game plan for now. I will definitely keep you updated on my progress. I just ask that you please keep me in your thoughts and prayers for a while. I am asking God for conviction, motivation, and courage to fight this awful and deadly disease. ED will not control my life!

Today's affirmation: "I can do recovery; I am willing to work my recovery".

I have been so emotional lately...

I mean, I tear up at everything it seems...in fact I could probably start crying right now just writing this post. I think it all started when I had to meet face to face with my manager and explain to him why I have so many doctor's appointments. He's a friend of mine and we have the same mutual group of friends, so it was just awkward all around. And the fact that he wasn't very sensitive to what I was trying to explain to him made matters worse. In his defense though, he did email me later that day to let me know he would work really hard to try and be more sensitive/respectful. Progress. But nonetheless, I have begun to feel very embarrassed by me ED. I feel like people are watching my every move. What am I wearing that day? Do I look like I've gained or lost a couple of pounds? What am I eating? Those types of things. As a matter of fact, we had a baby shower at work last Friday, and of course there was food. Everyone was there, including the directors. Well I happened to be one of the first to grab a plate of food. When I walked by the managers and directors, I saw their eyes go from my face to my plate of food, then back to my face again. I wanted to crawl in the biggest hole and die. My face turned bright red, and my eyes filled with tears. My appetite went away instantaneously...I ended up waiting until noone was around to eat the little bit that I did. It was mortifying. Not such a big deal you might be thinking, but for someone with an ED, it can be the end of the world. Anyone who suffers from an ED will know exactly what I am referring to.

I also seem to be in a place right now where I am either not eating, or I'm eating whatever I want and not giving a crap about it. I can't seem to find the middle of the road when it comes to food. I can't tell a difference in my weight, and I absolutely refuse to weigh myself right now...all I know is that my clothes still fit. What stresses me out the most right now is the fact that bathing suit season is pretty much here already. I look back at pictures from last summer and I think I look awesome. My collar bone is protruding, my hip bones are prominent, and my thighs don't touch. Sick, I know...but it's my ideal shape. I know I can't look like that anymore and it makes me mad and sad at the same time. I wan't to scream at the top of my lungs "why can't I just be normal"!?! It's so frustrating. For the first month or two when I was fresh out of treatment, I felt like I was on top of the world...like I was invincible. I guess you could say I was in a little rehab "bubble". Well let's just say that bubble has finally burst and I am learning what it's like to be in the real world with an ED. There are so many challenges to face, and some come at you from nowhere. I sometimes forget what they taught me in treament, and I feel like a lost little puppy. This last week was especially bad.

It's Monday, again, and I'm trying to be optimistic that this will be a good week in terms of food/weight/body image. We'll see...

Today's affirmation: "My self-worth does not change whether I gain or lose a pound"

This has been the longest week ever...

Needless to say I am so glad it's Friday.

On Wednesday I had a CT scan of my kidneys to determine how many kidney stones I had. I have suffered from kidney stones since I was 18, and I have passed more stones than I can even count. In December, I ended up in the hospital for eight days (eight long and very scary days) because I had a stone that wouldn't pass and in turn I got a bad kidney infection. So my doctor calls me yesterday afternoon to let me know I have SEVEN stones...5 in my left kidney, and 2 in my right. As sad as this might sound, I am not even the least bit surprised by this news. The only part that I am struggling with is what measures to take in order to a) get rid of the stones I have and b) how to prevent them in the future. I read online that the most stones ever passed by one person was over 6,000!!! He passed at least one every day of his life. Can you imagine?! I would just have them remove my kidneys if that were me...I mean, who needs kidneys when you're in that much pain every single day! So my doctor said he could do minor surgery to go in and remove the stones, or I could pass them naturally. My first thought was 'seven stones is alot to pass naturally'. But if I have the surgery, then who's to say I won't develop more stones after that. I've been going back and forth with this and can't seem to make up my mind. The one thing that is making me lean towards the surgery is that it would be one day (with a couple days recovery) and all the stones would be gone. Then, we could analyze my blood and urine to determine how to prevent any in the future, or at least minimize them. But if I decide to let them pass naturally, that will mean a) so much pain I can't even fathom and b) possibly several missed days of work. So which one outweighs the other? I'll keep you posted.

This week has been a little difficult in terms of my urges to practice my eating disorder. The main reason, I think, is the fact that I have not been to the grocery store in weeks and have NO food in my house. So I've been eating a ton of fast food, frozen pizzas, and cold cereal. Not good things to eat when you have an ED. I am supposed to be on a meal plan, but ever since I moved into my new house, that has gone out the window. And I can definitely tell a difference in my mood and the way I feel every day. When I was in treatment, and was eating three square meals a day, plus three snacks, I felt better than I have in years. I miss that feeling. It's just so easy to get off track, and I definitely have. But this weekend I will go the store and I will get back on track (after I finish eating my delicious cinnamon roll from Starbucks)!

Today's affirmation: "Cool chicks eat food"