Love within reach...

I've had a great day so far. I woke up and went to Starbucks for a few hours to get some work done. I have made the decision that I will do whatever it takes to a) get caught up on my workload, and b) make sure I receive a commission check this month. So if that means I have to work overtime during the week and also work weekends...I'm going to do it. Anyways, after Starbucks I decided to go to a yoga class at LA Fitness. I recently signed up for classes at the Bikram Yoga studio in Dallas, but have only managed to make it to two classes...mainly because I just haven't had the energy to withstand 90 minutes of intense exercise since I've been sick. I used to go to this particular yoga class every Saturday, and I really loved it...but I got lazy, and just stopped going. For some reason today, I had this burning desire to go back...and I'm so glad I did. Not only was it an excellent class today, but the instructor read something at the end of class that really touched my heart. I just had to know what she was reading, so after class, I went over to her and asked. She showed me this book called "The Daily Book of Positive Quotations" by Linda Picone. She said she found it at Target, so being me, I immediately rushed over to Target to get my own copy. Here's what she read today:

"When we cannot get what we love, we must love what is within our reach" - French Proverb

Learning to love what we have, rather than what we would like to have, is not a matter of giving up or compromising. It's a matter of maturing.

We set out goals high, and we should. We work diligently towards our goals, and we should. But if we don't realize all of our goals, should we live our lives with bitterness and regret? How much richer would our lives be if we could appreciate the blessings that we already have?

This just reinforces what I said the other day...that we should do some "instant bookkeeping" of our lives, and make a list of all the blessings we are fortunate to have. So many times, I look at my life and feel sad about all of the things I don't have...the things I have done in my past...the things I haven't yet accomplished. It literally paralyzes me with fear about the future. I think 'I'm already 31 years old, and there are so many things I should have done by now...I'm running out of time'. But in reality, life does not operate on a specific timeline. There is nothing that says we have to accomplish X, Y, and Z before a specific time. In my break-up letter to Ed, I blamed him for not being married with children. I blamed him for not having more meaningful relationships with others. And I blamed him for robbing me of my own identity. Yes, he did play a large part in some of these things, but in all honesty, it might just be that I was meant to be where I am now at the age of 31. Who's to say that had I not had an eating disorder all this time that I would be married? Or have kids? Who's to say that I would have more friends or be happier in my life?

I am slowly learning to love my life again, and count my blessings each and every day. I'm really trying to focus on the positive things in my life...the blessings God has given me. It's a hard thing to do really. It's so easy to wish my life was different and to think about all of the things I don't have. But if I dwell on what I don't have, and if I am always wishing my life were different, then I will miss out on what I do have. The bottom line is this: I am where I am in my life for a reason. I have so many things to be thankful for...so many reasons to count my blessings. Life is way too short to yearn for things that are ultimately out of our control. The quote at the top of my page sums it up perfectly: "Life is a journey, not a destination".

Today's affirmation: " I will love my life for what it is, rather than regretting it for what it is not"

Recovery

I have been thinking for weeks about what to say in this first post. As many of you may have noticed, I haven't posted anything in over a year. This past year has been one of many ups and downs, but mostly downs which is why I am starting this blog on a clean slate.

It brings tears to my eyes to say what I'm about to say, but it's time to let those around me know what has been going on in my life so I can have all the support I need. In December I checked myself into the eating disorders program at Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas. I have been struggling with bulimia since I was 15. Fifteen years is a long time to keep such a horrible secret so I decided it was time to get the help I needed in order to live my life to the fullest and to be truly happy. It was the best decision I have ever made. In fact, that decision saved my life.

You might be wondering what treatment entailed. Well basically it invloved alot (and I mean ALOT) of eating, group and family therapy sessions, art therapy, and more therapy. The biggest misconception about eating disorders is that it is all about food and body image. That couldn't be farther from the truth; there are so many more underlying causes...some of which I didn't even realize until I started to talk about them. When a person cannot control what is going on around them, they realize that food is the one thing they can control...it's control that noone can take away. It's empowering. Empowering and unfortunately deadly. I fell into that trap in highschool when things were so crazy (I will talk more about this in another post), and it was something that I took pride in. Fifteen years later, I no longer took pride in that or myself anymore. I was miserable.

So, that being said (and what a relief it is)...I am in recovery now. No, I am not completely healed...each and every day is a struggle. Deciding what to eat is always a battle. Deciding what to wear is another battle. Deciding what to do with the food that I just ate is the biggest battle thus far, although I know there are many more that lie ahead. I rely heavily on my family to give me the support I need, eating disorder meetings (where I can talk openly and freely about my struggles with people that completely understand everything that I'm going through), and daily affirmations. But now I am reaching out to my friends (and the public) in the hopes that I can get even more support and maybe even help others that are going through something similiar. So just know that I am going to be completely honest here, whether I'm having a great day or the worst day of my life. So I hope you can come along for the ride in this new chapter of my life.

Today's affirmation: "I deserve to be loved by myself and others"