For the first time in months...

I have plans this weekend! Ever since treatment, I have been holing up in my house taking it easy. I've had offers to do things now and then, but really haven't had the energy or motivation to take them up. But Jeremy asked me to watch a movie tonight, and then tomorrow night we have those dinner plans. Not only do I have plans tonight, but two nights in a row. Amazing. Scratch that...I have plans next weekend too! It's my friend Dusty's birthday and his wife, Allison, has rented a house on the river in New Braunfels. There's a large group of us going, so it should be a really good time. I'm actually really excited about it. It's nice to be social again...one can only be a hermit for so long.

There's something about the summer. Maybe it's the long days...when you get out of work at 5:00 and there's still four hours of daylight left. Or maybe it's the hot weather...it makes people want to be outdoors more. It could be that there are so many more things going on in the summer...pool parties, baseball games, three major holidays, etc. I LOVE summertime! The only part that I dread about the summertime is being in a bathing suit. I can't remember the last time I have felt 100% comfortable in one. But it's odd...for someone who hates being in a bathing suit so much...I own more than 15 suits. Go figure. Although I'm really excited about next weekend at the river, I am terrified of putting my new body in a suit. I went to Target today to look at their selection, and I found one that I really liked. But I am so self-concious right now that I picked a pair of bottoms that were two sizes too big for me...just because I didn't want there to be any pinching or squeezing in unnecessary places. I got to the counter and realized how stupid that was, so I decided not to get it. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to wear that weekend...I feel like I won't look good in anything. I've also been super wary of what I've been eating all week. ED wanted me to cut out carbs completely and only eat fruits and vegetables because they are made mostly of water. Well that lasted all of two days until I caved and ate a banana muffin this morning. Ed keeps telling me that I am as large as a whale, and people will laugh at me. I know this is not true...but I just can't help it. It's so frustrating! My treatment team said that positive body image is always the last thing to come, and sometimes it can take years to develop. Well at this rate I'll be 40 by the time that happens.

Today's affirmation: "I am beautiful regardless of my size".

Last night was great...

Jeremy showed up at my house with a bottle of wine and an orchid for me. He said he wanted to get me a plant that wouldn't die in the next couple of days, and the lady at the store said orchids were great house plants. It's absolutely beautiful. I've always loved orchids, but have never bought one because I was afraid I would kill it. I'm a little nervous about taking care of it because I tend to be a plant killer. So we'll see if I can keep this little guy alive for at least a week or two.

I was really nervous before he showed up, mainly because I haven't seen him in so long and I felt like I was going to need to impress him all over again. Silly, I know since he's the one that called me. But nonetheless I was worried that I didn't look good...and I felt insecure since I have put on a little bit of weight since we last saw each other. I must have changed clothes three or four times. I finally decided on a pair of grey pajama-like pants and a t-shirt because they were the least revealing and I knew I would be comfortable. He showed up in a suit (he had just come from work). Needless to say, I was just a bit underdressed. The whole night I kept thinking that he was looking at me and thinking 'wow, she's really gotten big since we dated'. I haven't, and I know that, but ED was in the back of my mind voicing his opinion loud and clear. I wanted to scream.

We talked for a couple of hours over a bottle of wine, and it was almost as if we had just met. Then we ate dinner (Mi Cocina...yum), and talked a little while longer. I finally couldn't stand it anymore and I just flat out asked him 'why are you here...why did you call me'. I know it was blunt, but I just had to know, and I felt like those questions were hanging in the air all night. He said that he has missed me and has thought about me alot over the last 18 months. He said that he wants to be in a relationship where someone compliments him and he them. That sounded great and all, but I was still a little resistant. I asked him what has changed since we dated, and how he feels he is different. His explanation was pretty legit, and I really felt like he was being sincere...but I'm still a little wary. It's weird...I honestly thought I would feel this overwhelming rush of emotion...like I would fall in love with him all over again. But I didn't. That's not to say that I didn't feel anything, but it just wasn't what I was expecting. I guess because I'm still not sure this is a good idea...I'm not sure if I have anything to offer him at this point in my life. I'm just overwhelmed with all these thoughts and feelings, and I'm not sure how to sort them out yet. But we have dinner plans on Saturday, so we'll see how that goes. I will say that he looked really good, and it didn't take long for me to remember how cute he was. So I'll keep you updated on everything and let you know how dinner goes this weekend.

Today's affirmation: "I am naturally beautiful when I am myself".

I am happy to report...

that I am currently kidney stone-free! Yep, that's right...I have zero stones right now. Friday I had my second surgery on my left kidney, and they were able to grab all the stones in there. They left a stent in there to prevent any swelling and/or infection, and as of yesterday that is gone as well. I am feeling great! It has been a few months since I have felt good, so I am really eating it up. Makes me realize we should never take our health for granted.

On a side note, something interesting happened the other day. I got a text from a guy I dated almost two years ago. Now I haven't talked to this guy since we broke up, and let's just say that as soon as he told me he wanted to put his career first above me and everything else, things didn't end too well. In the text he apologizes for being such a lousy human being and for treating me the way he did. Okay, so maybe he doesn't really say the lousy human being part, but he basically says that he was a jerk and he's sorry. He also says that he thinks about me often and would like to take me to dinner. What?! I mean, it's been two years...isn't our entire relationship just water under the bridge at this point? My initial reaction was that of shock and awe...I literally just stared at the text for about 15 minutes. But then after I read, re-read, and RE-READ the text, I decided 'why not'...I'll let him take me to dinner. Can't hurt anything, right? We decided that Saturday would be best for dinner, and that we would talk later in the week to decide where, etc. Yesterday, I get another text from him asking if he could bring me dinner tonight. What? Saturday is only a few days away...can he not wait to see me? I decided that he must not be able to wait, and is desperate to see me. Okay, so again I am being melodramatic, but it makes for a more interesting story. Anyway, again I say yes, so we now have dinner plans tonight and Saturday. How do two people go from not talking at all, to having two dinner dates in one week?

Now normally all of this would be super exciting and dramatic for me, but ever since treatment I have been so focused on myself, that I haven't even given dating a second thought. My treatment team strongly suggests not dating for an entire year after entering recovery. At first I thought that was ridiculous (along with most of the other stuff they told me in there), but now that I think about it, it actually makes pretty good sense. I'm not sure how strict they are on the whole "one year" thing, but I think the idea is that you not date for a while so you can focus on your recovery first, before adding in any unnecessary stressors back into your life.

Now I know what you're thinking..."it's just dinner, not a marriage proposal"! Yeah you're right, but to me it's a big deal because this will be my first date since leaving treatment and entering recovery. I just keep wondering why this is happening now. Is this a good thing?  Should I be excited, nervous, or indifferent about the whole thing? My mind is racing with thoughts, and I've found myself getting all worked up over nothing. It's the nature of the disease. But once I remember my main focus right now...recovery...my world comes back into focus. All I really need to know, is that God has a plan for me, and this date is part of his plan. There is a good reason Jeremy has entered back into my life at this point in my recovery process. I can't wait to find out why though.

Today's affirmation: "I will not feel guilty for caring for myself".

Yesterday was a very trying day for me...

my company had a "team building" activity for my department. We all got to leave work at 1:30, and head to a nearby park for the event. Once we got there, we divided into teams for a relay type obstacle course. Now keep in mind that it was right in the middle of the day in the blazing Texas heat...it was over 90 degrees. We were allowed to wear athletic attire since we would be running, etc. Of course I didn't want to wear my jeans because I knew I would be absolutely miserable...so I wore shorts. I hate wearing shorts. Not only do I not like wearing shorts around people I know, I definitely don't like wearing them around a bunch of people I don't. Now I know that I'm not overweight, fat, etc...but I was SO self concious the entire time. I felt like everybody was staring at me and judging me. I just knew that they were saying how ugly and fat my legs were and how unattractive they were. I just knew it. My mind was racing with these horrible, negative thoughts, and it just consumed me. So much so that I really didn't have a good time. All I could think about was getting out of there into the confines of my house...away from the judgement and ridicule. To make matters worse, they cooked hamburgers and hot dogs after the event, and of course I was starving. I hadn't eaten lunch since we left the office so early, and the food smelled so good. But again, my mind was racing and I just couldn't bring myself to eat in front of everyone. I literally froze. On one hand my stomach was telling me that I needed to eat...I wanted to eat. But on the other hand, my brain was telling me that people would judge me if I did eat. It was awful. So there I sat, hot, hungry and conflicted...watching other people enjoy themselves. It was all I could do not to go running in the other direction. I don't know why this is happening to me. Before treatment...before everyone knew my "secret"...I probably wouldn't have had a problem grabbing a plate and chowing down. But ever since people found out about ED, I just can't bring myself to do it. It frustrates me beyond belief! I know that I have to get over this fear...that in order to heal I must force myself to face these daunting challenges...challenges that are so mundane to the rest of the world. It's times like these that make me realize how overpowering ED really is. That no matter how far I've come in the recovery process, I still have a long way to go. It's eye opening.

When I got home I was even more starving, and I was really craving a hamburger. So I went to the grocery store and bought stuff to make my own burger. I invited my mom over for dinner and we both enjoyed a delicous, home cooked, meal. I feel safe eating in front of my family...I know they don't judge.

Each and every day I discover new challenges in my life. I am reminded that life with ED is never going to be easy. But now I know that I can take a step back from these challenges and work through them with a completely new mindset. It amazes me every time how much I have grown in the last few months. I feel empowered...but empowered in a new and good way.

Today's affirmation: "One step at a time. That is how I will get where I am going".

Understanding the nature and extent...

of our disease was a large part of the treatment process. Every Thursday afternoon we had group family therapy sessions, and each patient was required to give the history of their disease to the group. At first, I was mortified, and flat out refused to participate. It really was noone's business how my disease started, and how long I had been sick. I didn't feel like explaining myself. I was in treatment, I was getting the help I needed, so who cared about the past. Right? Wrong. Understanding how and when your eating disorder started is imperative to the recovery process...without that understanding, you can't nor won't get better. And come to find out, relaying this to a room full of people (mostly strangers) really isn't that bad afterall. So in order for you to understand my disease, I feel like it's important for you to understand how and when mine started.

I remember the first time I ever binged and purged like it was yesterday. I was fifteen and a sophomore in high school. It was a weekday afternoon, and I was babysitting down the street from my house. I was in my cheerleading uniform because I had to cheer at a basketball game later that evening...and I was starving. I was starving because I had been dieting for most of the school year. Dieting consisted mostly of fat-free, low calorie foods, and limiting how much of them I ate. Basically eating like a bird. But that afternoon I remember deciding to have a snack. I was only going to eat something small I thought...and it would be something healthy. One minute I was staring into the refrigerator at all of the food, and the next thing I knew I had eaten so much I could barely breathe. I went from one extreme to the other in a matter of minutes. I don't necessarily remember the entire thought process going on in my head after that, but I do remember one thing...I felt this overwhelming urge to get rid of everything I had just eaten. My stomach was so full and distended that I panicked. Sheer panic soared throughout my entire body like and I knew there was only one option at that point. My body was on automatic pilot. I went into the bathroom and I made myself throw up. It was disgusting...painful...scary...and actually pretty hard to pull off the first time (in case you're wondering, making yourself throw up is a learned technique...it doesn't just happen easily). But once I was finished I remember feeling this sick sense of empowerment. It was almost an elation. I thought: 'I can control what goes in and out of my body. I can control my food, how much I eat, and if I eat too much I can easily get rid of it'. I was hooked like a drug addict after snorting that first line...there was no turning back.

That day plays over and over in my head like a broken record. I often wonder what my life would be like today if I had just made a different decision that day...if I had had more self control at that very moment. But now I can't see my life in any other light because my ED is all that has consumed me for more than half of it. I feel like that one decision is the one that has dictated much of my existence for the last fifteen years. It just amazes me.

There is so much more that goes into an ED than just deciding one day to throw up. I definitely didn't wake up that morning and tell myself 'I think I'll become bulimic today'. The first half of my life played a big part in my disease as well, but I'll write about that some other day.

I hope you'll stay with me throughout this blog so you can see how I learn and grow and become the person I've always wanted to be. Thanks for your support too, I couldn't do this without you.

Today's affirmation: "It does not matter what the disease is. There is always room for hope. I am not going to die one of the statistics".

While I was in treatment...

we spent a lot of time using affirmations as a way to boost our morale. I still rely heavily on them whenever I'm feeling sad, frustrated or overwhelmed. Here are some that I really like...enjoy!

Though noone can go back and make a new start, anyone can start from now and make a new end.

To be upset over what I don't have is to waste what I do have.

I forgive myself and others, release the past, and move forward with love in my heart.

I will not be embarassed by my pain. I will go through it with dignity. It will enhance me.

I will resist anything that takes me off the chosen path of recovery.

I am in charge. I am responsible for the direction of my boat!

Noone can make me a victim unless I allow them to.

I am naturally beautiful when I am myself.

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life. It is a clean slate. I will begin it totally refreshed and just live it.

When I look back at my past I will look tenderly and gently at all that I have been through. I will be proud of my accomplishments and how far I have come.

I deserve to recover.

I'm sitting here at work...

wondering how long I can pretend that I'm actually working before anyone notices I'm staring off in to space. The morning got off to a rocky start after tossing and turning all...night...long. I think I may have slept like three hours total. At one point I was up playing "Wurdle" on my iPhone...I'm completely and hopelessly addicted to that game. That, and Facebook, Bejeweled and Words with Friends. I can't even remember what life was like before my iPhone...what a sad existence. Anyways, I didn't get in to the office until 10:45 and I may have accomplished one task so far. Is it five o'clock yet??

On another random note...my right pointer finger's nail is turning this awful sickly shade of yellow. One day it was normal...and the next day I noticed it was yellow. Hmmm, what could cause your fingernail to turn yellow? Oh right...smoking. Yes my friends, I will shamelessly admit that I am a smoker. I have been for quite some time now. I guess in my mind it was a way to stay skinny (along with Diet Coke and coffee) for all those years. But now, well, I am just a smoker. Damn, I really hate saying that, but it's the gospel. I love it, want it...need it. Ugh. I really don't want to become one of those old wrinkly ladies who sits in her arm chair...Diet Coke, cigarette, and remote control in hand...and watches tv and chain smokes all day. So gross. But, I can't seem to quit. I actually quit once for about three months, and it was wonderous. I could breathe better...I felt better...and I definitely smelled better. But then, well, I gave in...again. So here I am with a yellow fingernail and a pack of cigarettes wondering when I will ever give up this nasty habit...

Today's affirmation: "Walking away from something that is bad for me is not quitting"