The world's biggest pity party...

I recently went back and read through some of my more recent blog posts, and I noticed a common theme amongst them: they are negative, depressing, and pitiful. It seems like I have been having the world's biggest pity party for myself, however, I'm the only one who showed up to the party. Don't get me wrong...the last couple of months have been extremely difficult and trying (actually, since November of last year, my life has been one big struggle)...but I think my own pitiful attitude greatly affected the way I handled certain situations.

I don't want this next paragraph to seem like I'm continuing on with the negativity, but in order to get to my point, I feel I need to share what has happened just within the last week (or at least since my last post about Jeremy). About a week and a half ago, I made an appointment with a general internal medicine doctor, just to establish care (so that I have a primary care physician to call upon when I have a cold, the flu, etc...), but also to express some concerns I had regarding the way I have been feeling for a couple of months or longer. He spent a really long time asking me questions, and getting my medical history (and let's face it, I have quite a lengthy one). I was completely upfront about my eating disorder, because I feel as though alot of my past medical problems are directly correlated to Ed. If there's one thing I have learned throughout this entire recovery process is that, in order to heal, I cannot be ashamed of my eating disorder, and that I need to be completely honest about it (and not just with doctors). People will either be accepting of who I am...eating disorder and all...or they won't, and there's nothing I can do about it, and I definitely don't need to feel ashamed of who I am. Anyhow, the doctor then asked me if I had any current health concerns I wanted to share. I explained to him that I have just not been feeling well, but really couldn't pinpoint anything specific. I told him that I have had a fever of 100.5 for over three weeks, with a slight sore throat and a dull headache. I also told him that my back has been really hurting me lately, and that it was extremely sore. He decided to do a CBC to check for any abnormalties, and see if he could get an explanation for the random fever. So it turns out that I have (and apparently have had for a couple of months) mono. He said that explains the general feeling of malaise, the sore throat and the headache...but it didn't really explain the fever. He asked me to come back for another visit. After that visit, he determined that I had a sinus infection as well as the mono. He decided to do some chest xrays to rule out any respiratory infections, such as pnuemonia, and also decided to go ahead and take some xrays of my back at the same time. I got a call from his nurse yesterday. She tells me that I have scoliosis and mild arthritis in my spine. What?!? In the last week, I have been told that I have mono, a sinus infection, scoliosis, and arthritis. I'm trying not to sound melodramatic here, but come on...that's alot for anyone to handle in one week!

You might be wondering what all of this means. Well, the mono is in the "convalescent stage", which means that I should be getting better. It can still take up to another four months for me to feel 100% better and have all of my energy back (I knew there was a reason that I was so tired all the time), but I am over the intitial "sick" stage. So that's pretty positive news. He put me on some heavy duty antibiotics for the sinus infection to see if we could knock it out, and hopefully knock out the fever at the same time (he's hoping that's the reason for the unexplained fever). I go back this Wednesday for another follow up visit to check and see if the infection is gone. He said that if the sinus infection is gone, but my fever is still there, then he wants to call an infectious disease doctor. Apparently, when you have a fever of "unknown origin" for an extended period of time...and there's no infection or anything that could be causing it...that's the next course of action. I'm a little freaked out by this, but am keeping my fingers crossed that we don't have to go that route. As for the back problems, I am not sure yet what the course of action will be...I plan on talking to him about that on Wednesday as well. I do know that I am still in quite a bit of pain, and will probably need to see a back specialist.

So yeah, this last week has not been a good one to say the least. On top of all of the health issues, I am having some really big issues at work (but I am not going to go into that at all). I absolutely lost it yesterday afternoon. I was crying hysterically, was extremely agitated, and was having some pretty scary urges to be destructive. I felt like punching something and maybe breaking a knuckle, or kicking something and maybe breaking a toe. I just thought that maybe if I hurt something, it would make me feel better. Luckily, I realized I was being irrational, and decided to turn my destructive thoughts into productive ones...so I cleaned my house. I also talked to both my mom and sister for a long time. They asked me what they could do to help me right at that moment, and I said that I just needed to vent all of my frustrations. My poor mom really got the brunt of all that frustration, but she handled it like a champ. After just talking, crying, talking, and crying some more, I had finally said everything that had been on my mind for days (if not longer). It actually made me feel better just to get it all of my chest. I really was having a HUGE pity party.

So that finally gets me to the point of this entire post (sorry it took me so long to get here). I am done feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of feeling sick all the time. I'm tired of not taking care of myself. I'm tired of being negative all the time. And I'm done with all of the pity parties. I have come to the realization that God is testing me (and he's putting me through some pretty tough tests to be completely honest), and there's a reason behind all of this. I have always been a firm believer that God has a unique plan for each and every one of us, but somehow along the way I have lost sight of that, and in turn have lost some of my faith in Him. I don't know at this point where my life is going to lead me, but I know that it has to be somewhere better than where I am now. As frustrated as I am with my current situation, I am a little bit excited and anxious to see where God is leading me. I realize that I need to pray a little harder, have a little more faith, and be alot more trusting of Him. I ask that you also pray a little harder for me. I need all of the support I can get right now...from my family, my friends, and even silent strangers that God has placed in my life as part of my life plan.

I have a book called "One Day at a Time", which is a daily meditation/reflection book for recovering addicts. Yesterday's reflection talked about self-pity. It was pretty fitting if you ask me. It talked about the "why me" and "poor me" syndrome of people with addictions. The take-away prayer for the day was this:

"When self-pity has me droopy and inert, may I look up, look around, and perk up. Self-pity, God wills, vanishes in the light of other people's shared troubles. May I always wish for friends honest enough to confront me if they see me digging my way back down into my old pity pot"

Today's reflection was even more fitting. It talked about the "me-me-me" syndrome. It said that when you are so self-absorbed in your own pity, that you lose touch with practically everything around you. It asked me a very poignant question: "Am I living in the problem rather than the answer"? The take-away prayer for today's reflection is this:

"I pray that my preoccupation with self, which is wound up tight as a Maypole, may unwind itself and let its streamers fly again for others to catch and hold. May the thin familiar wail of me-me-me become a chorus of us-us-us, as we in the fellowship pick apart of self-fulness and look at it together"

My own take-away from those two reflections is that I will not recover if I am stuck wallowing in my own self-pity.

Today's affirmation: "Turn self-involvement into involement, and change the me-me-me into us-us-us".

Where to start this post...

So my day started off great (although I was later to work than I intended to be). I worked my rear off all day trying to get as much done as I possibly could before the end of the day. I have this huge project due (it was actually due today, but I didn't get finished), so I focused all my attention on that and ignored all the other daily tasks that I am normally required to do. I didn't answer my phone and I let the emails pile up...much to my dismay. If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's a full inbox of unread messages. But today I just didn't have a choice. At 5:00 my day took a turn for the worse. At this point I was getting ready to wind things down, even though I was only halfway through this project. Let's face it...11 hour days are exhausting. Yeah, so I didn't finish, but I'm choosing to look at it as the glass is half full...trying to remain positive.

So right as I'm finishing up my last task for the day, I get this odd text message from Jeremy. He has been in DC all week for work, was supposed to fly home tonight, and we had plans tomorrow night for a friend's birthday. He proceeds to tell me that his flight has been cancelled and he might be stuck in DC for the weekend. Hmmm, it's not winter, so there's no chance of him getting snowed in. There's no hurricanes in the DC area that I know of, so no chance of bad weather keeping him stranded. So why the cancelled flight? And why does he not seem upset about it after he told me all week long that he was so ready to come home? He must think that I'm the biggest idiot on the face of the planet...that I would actually believe this crap? So I get on the internet and check two things: 1) how far of a flight it is from DC to Cincinnati, OH where his recent ex-girlfriend lives, and 2) if in fact there were any cancelled fight departing from both airports, all major carriers, and to all cities. The first thing I found was that it is only a 48 minute flight from DC to Cincinnati. The second thing I find is that in both airports, to all cities, on all airlines, there are ZERO cancellations. I was in complete shock...I had just caught him in a boldfaced lie!! But why?

To make a long story short, I confront him about his blatant lies, and he tells me that he wants to get back together with his ex. He then continues on telling me that 'he's a jerk (for lack of a better and more appropriate word)', that 'he can never be the person I want him to be or need him to be', and that 'I deserve better'. First of all, don't patronize me! I am not a child and I think at 31 I can handle the truth. He goes on to tell me that 'you can't help who you love, no matter how hard you try' and that 'he and Robin are meant to be together'. Are you being serious right now?? HE came back into MY life after two years of no contact...HE asked ME for a second chance. At that point in my life, two months ago, I was perfectly content being single, and was finally focusing on me for the first time in my life. I didn't need a boyfriend. But I caught a small glimpse of a changed man, who seemed genuine when he told me that he would do anything to prove to me that he was different. I've decided that he's a really, really good actor to pull that off and for me to believe him (trust me, I am your #1 skeptic when it comes to things like this...I don't trust easily especially when you've hurt me once already).

By the end of the conversation, which was all via text messages, I finally told him that he was right...I do deserve better than him. I mean, come on for Pete's sake, he didn't even have the courtesy to call me! How old are we again? I told him (and not in my nicest words) that I didn't want to hear any more of his excuses for why he was ending things, and that I would appreciate it if he never contacted me again. Bam! I was so proud of myself. Don't get me wrong, I was literally shaking from anger and fighting back tears the whole time, but I felt good about what I said.

I am full of so many mixed emotions right now. I am in the anger/denial stage. I'm mad at him for being such an incredible jerk, and mad at myself that I got sucked into another relationship with him after he broke my heart two years ago for similar reasons. I'm in denial only because it is still so new...I went from having a boyfriend one minute to being single the next. I got dumped...again...twice by the same guy. I feel so foolish. And then of course I'm sad. Sad that it's over, because even if he wasn't having fun, I was. And just confused. My head is spinning.

After talking to my mom for a long time, as well as my good friend Anna, I feel somewhat better. The one thing that I am going to take away from this experience, is the confirmation that I need to continue focusing on me...I need to fix me. I've relapsed and that is unacceptable. And absolutely no guy is going to prevent me from doing what I need to do to stay in recovery. Don't get me wrong, I am still mad as hell, but I am going to use this fuel to light a fire inside of myself to get back on track. I deserve to be happy, healthy, whole, and I deserve to live my best life that God has planned for me. So there...take that Jeremy! I don't need you, and I definitely deserve better than you if this is really who you are.

Today's affirmation: "There is no turning back, especially when the journey gets rough. I have gotten another chance at life. How many really have that chance? Recovery doesn't fix everything, but it makes it possible".

Ed = 1, Brooke = 0

Ed has completely taken ahold of me yet again. As much as I've been kicking and screaming, trying to resist his grasp, I have found myself getting weaker and weaker...until finally he has won this most recent battle. I went from not wanting to eat anything at all, to wanting to eat everything in sight.

I've been thinking for the last few days...trying to come up with a way to get back ontop...to get back on track. The first step, I've decided, is going to be to start going back to my meetings twice a week. I've been avoiding them like the plague because a) I've been lazy, and b) I've been too ashamed to explain why I've been away for so long. But, I know that I need to surround myself with people again...the same people who helped me get into recovery the first time. I realize that these people are not my enemy...ED is.

Each time I slip back into old habits, my mom's face pops into my head. I remember each Thursday that she took off of work to be there for me in family therapy. Each time she listened, learned, and took notes in order to help me get better. I remember when she, my sister, and brother-in-law gave me a pendant that says "Fear not, for I am with you". I cried. I remember the last family therapy session she attended...I remember how she told me with tears in her eyes that she was so proud of me. I don't think she'd be proud of me now.

So the second step I've decided is going to be to stay with my mom for a few days. At first I thought I needed to check myself into the inpatient ward at the hospital...just to have constant supervision from doctors and to get myself back on a meal plan. But with work being so crazy busy, I realized I just cannot do that right now. And honestly, I don't think that's what I need. I have the tools to get back on track...I know what to do. I just need someone to eat with me (to make sure I eat), and to be around someone so I don't give into my urges to purge. I think that if I can get a good week under my belt, I can do the rest on my own. And no, I'm not being stubborn, I'm just saying that I know what I need to do to stay in recovery.

So that's the game plan for now. I will definitely keep you updated on my progress. I just ask that you please keep me in your thoughts and prayers for a while. I am asking God for conviction, motivation, and courage to fight this awful and deadly disease. ED will not control my life!

Today's affirmation: "I can do recovery; I am willing to work my recovery".

I just haven't been in the mood to blog lately (2 of 2)...

I don't know what I would do without my family...they are my foundation, my rock, my salvation. As you know from previous posts, I haven't been doing very well with my eating. I have developed a love/hate relationship with food. Some mornings I wake up starving, but when I think about eating something, my stomach turns and I get nauseous. Other mornings I wake up not hungry at all, and it continues like that throughout the day. I have gotten back into the habit of just having coffee in the morning (along with my morning cigarettes), and then a Diet Coke for lunch. By the time the afternoon rolls around I am sick with hunger. I get home and stare into the refridgerator, wanting to eat something, but can't seem to force myself to take a bite...of anything. It's sickening. If it weren't for my mom and sister, I would go days without eating. My mom has been eating dinner with me almost every night for two weeks...and my sister has even brought me dinner a few times (usually some of whatever she is making for her family). This really has been my saving grace. I must say I've had some pretty tasty meals lately (Pei Wei tonight for instance)! Even though I'm eating food, and putting nourishment into my body, I am feeling guilty about it the whole time. It is all I can do to refrain from purging. I wish I could go back in time and start a new relationship with food...develop a healthy respect for it, rather than a loathing for it. I still don't understand (no matter how much treatment I went through) why I have this unhealthy relationship with something God intended to be good. I may never understand it to be honest. But I am just so thankful to have such a wonderful, patient, and understanding family.

On a side note, my friend, Erin, from treatment is in town for a month or so. She goes to school in California, so once she coined out of treatment, it was back to the West coast for her. This is the one person I connected with the most while in treatment...someone I relate to, respect, and care for deeply. She is an amazing Christian woman dealing with her own issues with food (completely different from mine). I am thrilled to death that I get to see her soon! At first I wanted to avoid her because I'm not doing that great ED wise...but then I realized if anyone will understand, it's Erin. So I plan on being completely honest with her about what I'm going through, and look to her for support and advice. This is one reason I haven't been going to my support meetings...because I'm ashamed. Ashamed of falling back into the grips of ED. Ironic don't you think? The one place that I can go to for support, where I'm surrounded by other people who know exactly what I'm going through, is the one place I am shying away from. This is exactly what ED does...he controls your life...he wants you to be ashamed so you will isolate yourself from people who care. Well I say 'no more being ashamed'!!! I am who I am. I have an eating disorder. I am human just like everyone else, and I am NOT perfect by any means. I will falter. But I will pick myself back up and persevere down the road of recovery. I can do it!

Today's affirmation: "Each day I am more able to love and forgive myself".

I just haven't been in the mood to blog lately (1 of 2)...

It's not that I don't have a lot going on in my life right now, or that I don't have much to say...I just feel like I have been in such a funk lately that people might not want to read my blog anymore if I posted how I truly feel some days. I'm still in a little bit of a funk, but feel like I am slowly coming out of it.

First of all, I developed this random fever that stayed with me for nine days. Nine days!! It was only 100.5, but it was enough to make me feel terrible (which didn't help my mood either). The bad thing about it was that there was really nothing wrong. I had a slight sore throat, a mild headache, and the fever...but nothing substantial enough to put my finger on. So I was just "sick", but not really sick...if that makes any sense at all. The fever is finally gone, so I am starting to feel better...slowly. I have an appointment with my urologist on Wednesday as a follow-up to my kidney surgery, so I'm going to mention it to them just to rule out anything with my kidneys. Lord, let's hope that there's nothing else wrong with them. If he tells me that there's something else wrong, I'm just going to tell him to remove both of them...and I'm serious (okay not really, but I'll be really upset).

Jeremy and I got into a slightly heated conversation about the "no kids" thing the other day. I asked him why he doesn't want any, and he spouted off a few valid (although lame in my opinion) reasons. For instance, he says they are too expensive. I told him you don't need to be a millionare in order to have children. He disagreed. He said kids take away from the valuable time you get to spend with your wife. I told him that kids only bring you closer together as a husband and wife. He disagreed. He also said that he just doesn't like kids. Well that point was put to the test the other night on the 4th of July. His parents had a party, and we stopped by for a little while. The second we walked in the door, two little boys ran up to Jeremy and wanted to "play wrestle". Jeremy immediately started playing with them, and he was amazing! The way he interacted with these kids melted my heart. It completely contradicted what he said about not liking them. When I asked him why he said he doesn't like kids, when clearly he does, he said it's because he gets to give them back to their parents at the end of the night. Hogwash. I honestly think he is just being stubborn. I know that is something really strange to be stubborn about, but I just think he's full of it. So...needless to say, I am not going to let this come between us at this time. We have both agreed to disagree for now. Now in six months, if we're getting more and more serious, and he still vehemently says he doesn't want kids...then I may need to make a decision at that point. But I'm having too much fun right now to break this off on a "what if" scenario.

Work has been another factor in my "funk" lately. I really try hard not to complain about my job because I absolutely love the company I work for, and it's the people I work with that keep me there. Granted, ever since we took a bailout from the government, things have gone down the toilet...but I just try to count my blessings that I still have my job. I have played many different roles since I started four years ago, the most recent (and longest lasting) role has been working with our internal lending branches to refinance homeowners (short refinances). I started this role right when the project rolled out two years ago and noone knew what they were doing...I love this role...and I am good at this role. I take pride in all of this. But about two months ago, I was given additional work because the refinance referrals were slowing down, and the bosses didn't think I had enough to do in an eight hour work day. About three weeks after the additional work was piled on, thing picked back up in the refinance world and I became slammed. The additional work was not taken away, so I found myself doing two jobs at once...dividing up my day between the two. Apparently, I have not been very successful at doing this because my boss told me the other day he was disappointed in my recent performance. I was heartbroken. Like I said, I take pride in being a good and valuable employee, and have never once (in my four year tenure) had a boss tell me I was doing a less than par job. My initial reaction was to be defensive and mad...but after thinking it through, I decided to be a big girl and take the criticism constructively. So, for the last few days, I have been working my butt off trying to prove that I can handle anything they throw at me...trying to redeem my good name. I'm stressed to say the least. But I'm trying to remain optimistic...looking for the silver lining in this whole thing (something I wouldn't have been able to do before treatment).

Well, like I said in the beginning of this post, I knew it would become really long...so let's call this "1 of 2".

More to this post later...

Today's affirmation: "Today I will develop my optimistic attitude: I am in charge of my life".