Ed = 1, Brooke = 0

Ed has completely taken ahold of me yet again. As much as I've been kicking and screaming, trying to resist his grasp, I have found myself getting weaker and weaker...until finally he has won this most recent battle. I went from not wanting to eat anything at all, to wanting to eat everything in sight.

I've been thinking for the last few days...trying to come up with a way to get back ontop...to get back on track. The first step, I've decided, is going to be to start going back to my meetings twice a week. I've been avoiding them like the plague because a) I've been lazy, and b) I've been too ashamed to explain why I've been away for so long. But, I know that I need to surround myself with people again...the same people who helped me get into recovery the first time. I realize that these people are not my enemy...ED is.

Each time I slip back into old habits, my mom's face pops into my head. I remember each Thursday that she took off of work to be there for me in family therapy. Each time she listened, learned, and took notes in order to help me get better. I remember when she, my sister, and brother-in-law gave me a pendant that says "Fear not, for I am with you". I cried. I remember the last family therapy session she attended...I remember how she told me with tears in her eyes that she was so proud of me. I don't think she'd be proud of me now.

So the second step I've decided is going to be to stay with my mom for a few days. At first I thought I needed to check myself into the inpatient ward at the hospital...just to have constant supervision from doctors and to get myself back on a meal plan. But with work being so crazy busy, I realized I just cannot do that right now. And honestly, I don't think that's what I need. I have the tools to get back on track...I know what to do. I just need someone to eat with me (to make sure I eat), and to be around someone so I don't give into my urges to purge. I think that if I can get a good week under my belt, I can do the rest on my own. And no, I'm not being stubborn, I'm just saying that I know what I need to do to stay in recovery.

So that's the game plan for now. I will definitely keep you updated on my progress. I just ask that you please keep me in your thoughts and prayers for a while. I am asking God for conviction, motivation, and courage to fight this awful and deadly disease. ED will not control my life!

Today's affirmation: "I can do recovery; I am willing to work my recovery".