The world's biggest pity party...

I recently went back and read through some of my more recent blog posts, and I noticed a common theme amongst them: they are negative, depressing, and pitiful. It seems like I have been having the world's biggest pity party for myself, however, I'm the only one who showed up to the party. Don't get me wrong...the last couple of months have been extremely difficult and trying (actually, since November of last year, my life has been one big struggle)...but I think my own pitiful attitude greatly affected the way I handled certain situations.

I don't want this next paragraph to seem like I'm continuing on with the negativity, but in order to get to my point, I feel I need to share what has happened just within the last week (or at least since my last post about Jeremy). About a week and a half ago, I made an appointment with a general internal medicine doctor, just to establish care (so that I have a primary care physician to call upon when I have a cold, the flu, etc...), but also to express some concerns I had regarding the way I have been feeling for a couple of months or longer. He spent a really long time asking me questions, and getting my medical history (and let's face it, I have quite a lengthy one). I was completely upfront about my eating disorder, because I feel as though alot of my past medical problems are directly correlated to Ed. If there's one thing I have learned throughout this entire recovery process is that, in order to heal, I cannot be ashamed of my eating disorder, and that I need to be completely honest about it (and not just with doctors). People will either be accepting of who I am...eating disorder and all...or they won't, and there's nothing I can do about it, and I definitely don't need to feel ashamed of who I am. Anyhow, the doctor then asked me if I had any current health concerns I wanted to share. I explained to him that I have just not been feeling well, but really couldn't pinpoint anything specific. I told him that I have had a fever of 100.5 for over three weeks, with a slight sore throat and a dull headache. I also told him that my back has been really hurting me lately, and that it was extremely sore. He decided to do a CBC to check for any abnormalties, and see if he could get an explanation for the random fever. So it turns out that I have (and apparently have had for a couple of months) mono. He said that explains the general feeling of malaise, the sore throat and the headache...but it didn't really explain the fever. He asked me to come back for another visit. After that visit, he determined that I had a sinus infection as well as the mono. He decided to do some chest xrays to rule out any respiratory infections, such as pnuemonia, and also decided to go ahead and take some xrays of my back at the same time. I got a call from his nurse yesterday. She tells me that I have scoliosis and mild arthritis in my spine. What?!? In the last week, I have been told that I have mono, a sinus infection, scoliosis, and arthritis. I'm trying not to sound melodramatic here, but come on...that's alot for anyone to handle in one week!

You might be wondering what all of this means. Well, the mono is in the "convalescent stage", which means that I should be getting better. It can still take up to another four months for me to feel 100% better and have all of my energy back (I knew there was a reason that I was so tired all the time), but I am over the intitial "sick" stage. So that's pretty positive news. He put me on some heavy duty antibiotics for the sinus infection to see if we could knock it out, and hopefully knock out the fever at the same time (he's hoping that's the reason for the unexplained fever). I go back this Wednesday for another follow up visit to check and see if the infection is gone. He said that if the sinus infection is gone, but my fever is still there, then he wants to call an infectious disease doctor. Apparently, when you have a fever of "unknown origin" for an extended period of time...and there's no infection or anything that could be causing it...that's the next course of action. I'm a little freaked out by this, but am keeping my fingers crossed that we don't have to go that route. As for the back problems, I am not sure yet what the course of action will be...I plan on talking to him about that on Wednesday as well. I do know that I am still in quite a bit of pain, and will probably need to see a back specialist.

So yeah, this last week has not been a good one to say the least. On top of all of the health issues, I am having some really big issues at work (but I am not going to go into that at all). I absolutely lost it yesterday afternoon. I was crying hysterically, was extremely agitated, and was having some pretty scary urges to be destructive. I felt like punching something and maybe breaking a knuckle, or kicking something and maybe breaking a toe. I just thought that maybe if I hurt something, it would make me feel better. Luckily, I realized I was being irrational, and decided to turn my destructive thoughts into productive ones...so I cleaned my house. I also talked to both my mom and sister for a long time. They asked me what they could do to help me right at that moment, and I said that I just needed to vent all of my frustrations. My poor mom really got the brunt of all that frustration, but she handled it like a champ. After just talking, crying, talking, and crying some more, I had finally said everything that had been on my mind for days (if not longer). It actually made me feel better just to get it all of my chest. I really was having a HUGE pity party.

So that finally gets me to the point of this entire post (sorry it took me so long to get here). I am done feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of feeling sick all the time. I'm tired of not taking care of myself. I'm tired of being negative all the time. And I'm done with all of the pity parties. I have come to the realization that God is testing me (and he's putting me through some pretty tough tests to be completely honest), and there's a reason behind all of this. I have always been a firm believer that God has a unique plan for each and every one of us, but somehow along the way I have lost sight of that, and in turn have lost some of my faith in Him. I don't know at this point where my life is going to lead me, but I know that it has to be somewhere better than where I am now. As frustrated as I am with my current situation, I am a little bit excited and anxious to see where God is leading me. I realize that I need to pray a little harder, have a little more faith, and be alot more trusting of Him. I ask that you also pray a little harder for me. I need all of the support I can get right now...from my family, my friends, and even silent strangers that God has placed in my life as part of my life plan.

I have a book called "One Day at a Time", which is a daily meditation/reflection book for recovering addicts. Yesterday's reflection talked about self-pity. It was pretty fitting if you ask me. It talked about the "why me" and "poor me" syndrome of people with addictions. The take-away prayer for the day was this:

"When self-pity has me droopy and inert, may I look up, look around, and perk up. Self-pity, God wills, vanishes in the light of other people's shared troubles. May I always wish for friends honest enough to confront me if they see me digging my way back down into my old pity pot"

Today's reflection was even more fitting. It talked about the "me-me-me" syndrome. It said that when you are so self-absorbed in your own pity, that you lose touch with practically everything around you. It asked me a very poignant question: "Am I living in the problem rather than the answer"? The take-away prayer for today's reflection is this:

"I pray that my preoccupation with self, which is wound up tight as a Maypole, may unwind itself and let its streamers fly again for others to catch and hold. May the thin familiar wail of me-me-me become a chorus of us-us-us, as we in the fellowship pick apart of self-fulness and look at it together"

My own take-away from those two reflections is that I will not recover if I am stuck wallowing in my own self-pity.

Today's affirmation: "Turn self-involvement into involement, and change the me-me-me into us-us-us".