I just haven't been in the mood to blog lately (2 of 2)...

I don't know what I would do without my family...they are my foundation, my rock, my salvation. As you know from previous posts, I haven't been doing very well with my eating. I have developed a love/hate relationship with food. Some mornings I wake up starving, but when I think about eating something, my stomach turns and I get nauseous. Other mornings I wake up not hungry at all, and it continues like that throughout the day. I have gotten back into the habit of just having coffee in the morning (along with my morning cigarettes), and then a Diet Coke for lunch. By the time the afternoon rolls around I am sick with hunger. I get home and stare into the refridgerator, wanting to eat something, but can't seem to force myself to take a bite...of anything. It's sickening. If it weren't for my mom and sister, I would go days without eating. My mom has been eating dinner with me almost every night for two weeks...and my sister has even brought me dinner a few times (usually some of whatever she is making for her family). This really has been my saving grace. I must say I've had some pretty tasty meals lately (Pei Wei tonight for instance)! Even though I'm eating food, and putting nourishment into my body, I am feeling guilty about it the whole time. It is all I can do to refrain from purging. I wish I could go back in time and start a new relationship with food...develop a healthy respect for it, rather than a loathing for it. I still don't understand (no matter how much treatment I went through) why I have this unhealthy relationship with something God intended to be good. I may never understand it to be honest. But I am just so thankful to have such a wonderful, patient, and understanding family.

On a side note, my friend, Erin, from treatment is in town for a month or so. She goes to school in California, so once she coined out of treatment, it was back to the West coast for her. This is the one person I connected with the most while in treatment...someone I relate to, respect, and care for deeply. She is an amazing Christian woman dealing with her own issues with food (completely different from mine). I am thrilled to death that I get to see her soon! At first I wanted to avoid her because I'm not doing that great ED wise...but then I realized if anyone will understand, it's Erin. So I plan on being completely honest with her about what I'm going through, and look to her for support and advice. This is one reason I haven't been going to my support meetings...because I'm ashamed. Ashamed of falling back into the grips of ED. Ironic don't you think? The one place that I can go to for support, where I'm surrounded by other people who know exactly what I'm going through, is the one place I am shying away from. This is exactly what ED does...he controls your life...he wants you to be ashamed so you will isolate yourself from people who care. Well I say 'no more being ashamed'!!! I am who I am. I have an eating disorder. I am human just like everyone else, and I am NOT perfect by any means. I will falter. But I will pick myself back up and persevere down the road of recovery. I can do it!

Today's affirmation: "Each day I am more able to love and forgive myself".