Where to start this post...

So my day started off great (although I was later to work than I intended to be). I worked my rear off all day trying to get as much done as I possibly could before the end of the day. I have this huge project due (it was actually due today, but I didn't get finished), so I focused all my attention on that and ignored all the other daily tasks that I am normally required to do. I didn't answer my phone and I let the emails pile up...much to my dismay. If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's a full inbox of unread messages. But today I just didn't have a choice. At 5:00 my day took a turn for the worse. At this point I was getting ready to wind things down, even though I was only halfway through this project. Let's face it...11 hour days are exhausting. Yeah, so I didn't finish, but I'm choosing to look at it as the glass is half full...trying to remain positive.

So right as I'm finishing up my last task for the day, I get this odd text message from Jeremy. He has been in DC all week for work, was supposed to fly home tonight, and we had plans tomorrow night for a friend's birthday. He proceeds to tell me that his flight has been cancelled and he might be stuck in DC for the weekend. Hmmm, it's not winter, so there's no chance of him getting snowed in. There's no hurricanes in the DC area that I know of, so no chance of bad weather keeping him stranded. So why the cancelled flight? And why does he not seem upset about it after he told me all week long that he was so ready to come home? He must think that I'm the biggest idiot on the face of the planet...that I would actually believe this crap? So I get on the internet and check two things: 1) how far of a flight it is from DC to Cincinnati, OH where his recent ex-girlfriend lives, and 2) if in fact there were any cancelled fight departing from both airports, all major carriers, and to all cities. The first thing I found was that it is only a 48 minute flight from DC to Cincinnati. The second thing I find is that in both airports, to all cities, on all airlines, there are ZERO cancellations. I was in complete shock...I had just caught him in a boldfaced lie!! But why?

To make a long story short, I confront him about his blatant lies, and he tells me that he wants to get back together with his ex. He then continues on telling me that 'he's a jerk (for lack of a better and more appropriate word)', that 'he can never be the person I want him to be or need him to be', and that 'I deserve better'. First of all, don't patronize me! I am not a child and I think at 31 I can handle the truth. He goes on to tell me that 'you can't help who you love, no matter how hard you try' and that 'he and Robin are meant to be together'. Are you being serious right now?? HE came back into MY life after two years of no contact...HE asked ME for a second chance. At that point in my life, two months ago, I was perfectly content being single, and was finally focusing on me for the first time in my life. I didn't need a boyfriend. But I caught a small glimpse of a changed man, who seemed genuine when he told me that he would do anything to prove to me that he was different. I've decided that he's a really, really good actor to pull that off and for me to believe him (trust me, I am your #1 skeptic when it comes to things like this...I don't trust easily especially when you've hurt me once already).

By the end of the conversation, which was all via text messages, I finally told him that he was right...I do deserve better than him. I mean, come on for Pete's sake, he didn't even have the courtesy to call me! How old are we again? I told him (and not in my nicest words) that I didn't want to hear any more of his excuses for why he was ending things, and that I would appreciate it if he never contacted me again. Bam! I was so proud of myself. Don't get me wrong, I was literally shaking from anger and fighting back tears the whole time, but I felt good about what I said.

I am full of so many mixed emotions right now. I am in the anger/denial stage. I'm mad at him for being such an incredible jerk, and mad at myself that I got sucked into another relationship with him after he broke my heart two years ago for similar reasons. I'm in denial only because it is still so new...I went from having a boyfriend one minute to being single the next. I got dumped...again...twice by the same guy. I feel so foolish. And then of course I'm sad. Sad that it's over, because even if he wasn't having fun, I was. And just confused. My head is spinning.

After talking to my mom for a long time, as well as my good friend Anna, I feel somewhat better. The one thing that I am going to take away from this experience, is the confirmation that I need to continue focusing on me...I need to fix me. I've relapsed and that is unacceptable. And absolutely no guy is going to prevent me from doing what I need to do to stay in recovery. Don't get me wrong, I am still mad as hell, but I am going to use this fuel to light a fire inside of myself to get back on track. I deserve to be happy, healthy, whole, and I deserve to live my best life that God has planned for me. So there...take that Jeremy! I don't need you, and I definitely deserve better than you if this is really who you are.

Today's affirmation: "There is no turning back, especially when the journey gets rough. I have gotten another chance at life. How many really have that chance? Recovery doesn't fix everything, but it makes it possible".