I have spent so much of my life trying to please others...

that I seem to have lost part of my own identity along the way. In the past I would literally feel sick if I thought that someone was either mad or unhappy with me. I would play and replay conversations over in my head, always thinking I should have said or done something different. And I always felt as though I had to make amends with those people just to ensure they didn't "hate" me or think less of me (I couldn't stand the thought of someone thinking I was anything but perfect). Normally, this would just add more drama to a situation than needed to be, but I couldn't rest until my mind was sure I had made things "right". What other people thought of me was the most important thing in my mind. Let me tell you...this was an exhausting way to live and interact with others.

In treatment I learned that it's okay not to be "perfect" all the time, and that inevitably, at many points in your life, you are going to do something that someone else doesn't like. Someone is bound to disagree with you, your decisions, or your actions...and that is OK. Talk about an eye-opening discovery! I don't have to be perfect? I don't have to worry all the time about what other people think about me? What a relief! Now I say that is was a huge relief to find that out, but I will be completely honest when I say that this is still a daily struggle for me. I have gotten so much better though, and I am now able to let things "go" so much easier than ever before. If someone disagrees with me (God forbid), I am able to take a step back, assess the situation, and move on. This is especially true when I feel confident in my decision or my actions pertaining to a certain situation. I no longer second guess myself as much as I used to. I think alot of this comes from the self-esteem and self-worth that I gained during treatment. I now know that I am completely capable of making my own decisions, even if they are selfish at times, and I can feel good about them without worrying so much what other people may think about those decisions. I am now able to make decisions based on what is best for me.

Yesterday's daily reflection/meditation from my "One Day at a Time" book, talked about how people with addictions constantly seek approval of others. This, no doubt, leads to the dreaded self-pity I talked about in my last post. The take-away prayer for the day was this:

God, make me ever mindful of where I came from and the new goals I have been encouraged to set. May I stop playing to an audience for their approval, since I am fully capable of admiring or appluading myself if I feel I have earned it. Help me make myself attractive from the inside, so it will show through, rather than adorning the outside for effect. I am tired of stage make-up and costumes, God; help me be myself.

I am tired of always feeling the need to please others. I pray for the courage to stand up for myself and do what I feel is right, regardless of what others may think.

Today's affirmation: "I love and approve of myself. I am at peace with my own feelings and my decisions, and I stand tall and free".