One Day at a Time...

"Home wasn't built in a day" - Jane Ace

The dust on the television screen is so thick, we're amazed our family members can even see the programs they watch. The grass in the backyard is so tall, rabbits can hide in it. And our inbox at work is so full it is literally tipping over.

We can be easily overwhelmed by endless housekeeping and professional workloads. We might even have trouble sleeping, wondering how we will ever catch up on our responsibilities. But if we tackle one simple task each time we walk into a room, we can slowly make a dent in the work. More important, we'll be able to sleep well at night, knowing this steady approach will also help us accomplish whatever tomorrow brings.

This daily reflection comes perfectly on the heels of yesterday's post. Lately I have been so focused on all of the "things" I have to get done on a daily/weekly basis, that I have thrown myself into an absolute frenzy. Yesterday I wrote about how sad I am, but after a little reflection of my own (and with some helpful advice from a fellow blogger and friend), I realized that the sadness I'm feeling right now is actually just immense stress. I have been so stressed that I have been punishing myself. Punishing myself for both things that I can control, and worse, for things I cannot. While I can control the cleanliness of my house, I cannot always control what happens at work. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed, that I confuse what I can and cannot control, and this creates a whirlwind of negative emotions. I also tend to overreact (shocker, I know). My mom always called me (and sometimes still does), her "little philly". Phillys are such high-strung horses, that whenever they get taken for a ride, their owners have to put blinders on their eyes so they won't get spooked. Case in point.

Today I was forced to put things into perspective. I have worked my tail off this entire month, doing everything I possibly could to ensure that I would meet my monthly goal and ultimately get paid a commission check. I even stayed really late today to make sure that all of my loans that were supposed to close this month did. It was all in vain apparently. I was one deal short of meeting my goal. One deal!!! What does this mean? First of all, it means that I won't get a commission check...again. But more importantly, it means that there's a very real possibility that I will get written up (since I was given a verbal warning last month). If I do get written up, it means that I cannot bonus for the following month. So, even if I meet my goal in September, I won't get paid for it. It also means that my chances at the job I applied for go out the window (anyone on any type of disciplinary action cannot apply for a new position for six months). So, I will be stuck in my current position for at least six months. Pretty crummy, right? I'd say so. I'm extremely proud of myself though. Once I realized that I had not met my goal, that I was not going to get paid, and that my chances at the new job were gone, I started thinking about all the positive things I had done throughout the month. I worked as much overtime as I could, which will result in a few extra bucks on my next couple of paychecks. I got caught up on my deal submissions, putting myself within the 5-day turnaround time that the department set forth. I cleaned up my inbox, getting the number of emails down to under 50. I made a daily schedule for myself (and my boss) each morning, to keep myself accountable during work, and adhered to it every day without fail. And I worked harder than I ever have before. I can say this truthfully and without hesitation. I know, deep in my heart...even if noone else recognizes it, that there was nothing else I could have possibly done to get that one extra deal this month. And that feels good. Despite all of the negative things that will result from this month, I can hold my head up high and be proud of what I accomplished.

I even carried that perspective home with me. I managed to clean the kitchen tonight and water the backyard. Sure, it's not an earth-shattering accomplishment, but it's a start. And like today's reflection says, you have to start somewhere...accomplishing one task at a time. If I can keep my work and my personal life in perspective at all times, taking on one thing at a time...eventually I won't be so overwhelmed. 

Tonight, I feel like I can sleep well knowing that I'm doing the best that I can. And that's all that matters in the end.

Today's affirmation: "Instead of racing to finish tasks, I'll work calmly and steadily until each job is done".

Silence and Strength

"May the stars carry your sadness away,
May the flowers fill your heart with beauty.
May hope foreve wipe away your tears,
And, above all, may silence make you strong." - Chief Dan George

Often, our first instinct when we're feeling sad is to fill up the empty space around us with people, noise, and activity. "Get out and see other people," our friends tell us. "Keep busy."

But it can be very healing to allow ourselves to feel our sadness fully, in silence and alone, particularly if we look for our solace in nature. Being in the natural world reminds us that everything, including sadness, eventually passes.

For so long now, I have put on a happy face, pretending that things aren't falling apart on the inside. I walk around with a smile on my face so that others don't know how I really feel. I don't want to worry anybody, and I definitely don't want anyone to think I'm a headcase. But I'm tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of trying to be something I'm not...happy. To be completely and brutally honest, I'm sad. My heart is heavy all the time. My eyes fill with tears at the drop of a hat. And I feel this immense and crushing sense of dread. Why? I wish I knew. If I knew, then I would fix it in a heartbeat. But I don't know, and I can't fix it.

Each morning I wake up with this burst of energy...ready to take on the day. I think "today I am going to work extra hard...I'm going to come home and clean the house...I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that". But then work stresses me out, I get tired, and I lose all of the energy I started the day with. I come home and don't know what to do with myself. My house is a disaster, yet I can't seem to find enough energy to clean it. There are so many things that I need to do, yet I can't find any motivation to get them done. Some days, I literally watch the clock...counting down the hours until it's time for bed. Some days, I get tired of waiting, and just go to bed at 7 or 8. There are some days I would much rather be asleep than awake. It scares me. I don't like feeling this way, but I don't know how to make it stop.

Do I want to feel this way? Of course not! Do I want to be truly and legitimately happy? Of course I do! Maybe, like today's reflection says, it's important for me to truly feel my sadness. Maybe there's a reason I'm feeling the way I am. And maybe it's part of God's plan for me to experience my sadness alone. Maybe this is the way I will heal.

May I look at the beauty of nature that surrounds me, and remember that I am not in control. May I see the sky and all of the stars...the trees and all of the beautiful flowers...may I feel the warm breeze on my face, and know that God is in control. May I be reminded that there is a power greater than myself, and know that He has a plan for me.

Today's affirmation: "When I am sad, I will sit quietly and experience my feelings. By letting myself be sad for a while, I prepare myself to move beyond my sadness".

Taking Responsibility...

"God gives the nuts, but He does not crack them" - German Proverb

If only the right opportunity were to come along, we think to ourselves, we could make a real success of things. We look with envy at others we see as being more successful. They must have gotten a big break somewhere along the way.

Chances are that we already have more opportunities than we realize. It's up to us to start recognizing these opportunities and taking advantage of them. This means actually working hard to turn opportunities into success.

I am 100% guilty of this. I look at other people in my company and think to myself that they must have been "in the right place at the right time". I think 'those opportunities will never present themselves to me...I'm just not lucky enough'. But in reality, it has absolutely nothing to do with luck. "Those people"...the ones who are more successful than I am...they are no different than me. They are human beings just like me. They had to start at the bottom at some point and work their way to where they are today. It didn't just happen overnight.

I have spent so much time complaining about my current situation at work, that I have lost sight of my overall goal...to advance in the company. I don't want to be in the same position I am now forever...it is unacceptable...I have higher goals than that. I love my job. I love my company. And I take pride in my work. I want to move up...I want to expand my knowledge...and I want to be the best that I can at my career.

An opportunity (actually two opportunities) presented themselves to me this week. There is a department in the company that I really admire, and have always thought about trying to move into...but positions just don't come available very often. This week two positions opened up. I couldn't believe it! At first I couldn't wait to apply...but the more I thought about it...the more I started to chicken out. I started to doubt my abilities, and I started to talk myself out of applying. I am so afraid of not getting the job...of "failing", that I almost didn't apply. 'How embarassing would it be to not get the job' I thought? People would think less of me...people would judge me. Then I realized how ridiculous I was being. How am I ever going to achieve my goals if I am too afraid to even try? Those "other people" that I admire so much, couldn't have been afraid to try, or they wouldn't be where they are today. You have to be willing to stick your neck out every once in a while if you want to get anywhere in life.

So that's what I did...I applied...not only for one of the positions, but for both! It's a stretch, I know, but I realized it can't hurt anything to just try. If it doesn't work out, it won't be because I didn't try...it will be because it just wasn't meant to be right now. I have been praying so hard for God to show me the way...to show me where He wants me to go. I feel as though I am stuck in a rut, and I have been asking Him to help me get out of it. I feel as though this was a sign from Him. It might not be in His plan for me to actually get the job, but I feel like it is in His plan for me to at least apply for the job. I feel like I am stepping outside of my comfort zone by doing something that intimidates me. And if it doesn't work out, then at least I will be able to hold my head high and say that I at least tried. And honestly, that's all that matters in the end.

Today's affirmation: "Ultimately, the responsibility for my success is on me, no matter what circumstances I face or what difficulties I have to overcome".

Ego and Position...

"Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it" - Colin Powell

"We're proud when we're successful at what we do. Executive, teacher, athlete, parent - we like telling people what we do. It tends to be how we define who we are - to ourselves and others.

But what happens when we retire or become empty-nesters? This can be a wrenching adjustment. We don't quite know how to introduce ourselves without a job attached to our name. Worse, we aren't even sure ourselves who we are. It's good to be invested in our work, as long as we remember that we aren't our work and our work isn't us. It's just something we do".

Oh what a concept! As much as I complain about my job...the hours, the stress, and the pay (especially the pay, or lack there of)...I often don't know what to do with myself when I'm not at work. Today was one of those days. I had one of the most stressful days today...one that nearly gave me a panic attack. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of the office...just to be anywhere but there. Yet I came home, ate dinner, and then couldn't think of anything else to do. As a matter of fact, it's almost 7:00, and I still can't think of anything to do. All I can think about is work. Did I get enough done today? What did I forget to do? What do I have to do tomorrow - will I get it all done? It's pathetic. Work absolutely consumes my mind at all times of the day...I even dream about it.

As I said in a post the other day, I'm in a little bit of trouble at work for my performance. My job is actually on the line. It doesn't make sense, does it? You would think that someone whose job was on the line, would be a slacker. You would think that they didn't care about their job. And you especially wouldn't think that they constantly obsessed over it! Yet that's me. I guess it goes back to the whole "people pleasing" idea. Despite the current situation at work, I still go above and beyond to make sure that I am doing everything right, and that noone is disappointed in me. Sometimes I think I ought to just give up and quit. Some might wonder why I continue to stress myself out to the point of panic? Why I haven't just moved on to greener pastures? That's actually a damn good question. I ask myself that question every day. Am I being an idiot here?

I just wish that, regardless of where I am working or whether I am 100% happy with my job, I could seperate my work and my life. I need to find solace in something other than working. But I just can't seem to find anything that truly makes me happy right now. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have plenty of things that are positive in my life...my wonderful family, my two precious nephews, and a few good friends...but I'm talking about something that is just mine and noone else's. Something that I can focus on that is completely seperate from my work.
I used to enjoy making jewlery, but I can't remember the last time I sat down to make a pair of earrings. I used to like to color...or make collages. But even those pleasurable things seem to create an unbelievable amount of stress now. My mind is just so overwhelmed that, even when I sit down to try and relax, I can't. I feel like I am trapped inside my own head screaming to get out.

If only I could learn to leave work at the office, and leave my personal life at home in the morning...I think my life would be so much better. And if only I could remember the simple pleasures in life...I might be able to calm my brain down when I get home from a long day. I don't know how other people do it...

Today's affirmation: "I love my work, but my life - and who I am - are more than my work. I will make sure that I have other sources of satisfaction".

Tomorrow's Joke...

"The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow" - H.G. Wells

When we're in the midst of a dreadful time, it often helps to remember that one day we'll be able to tell a great story about it, one we'll laugh at. We'll laugh because, in retrospect, what we thought was a crisis really wasn't so serious after all. Or we'll laugh because we made it through the crisis and came out stronger on the other side.

I have been pouring over all of my inspirational books for days now, desperately searching for words, phrases, and prayers to help me keep the nasty, negative and pessimistic attitude I have lurking inside me, at bay. If there's one thing that I don't want, is to look back at this dark time in my life, and wish I would have handled it with more maturity. But that nastiness and negativity is right under the surface...right on the tip of my tongue. It is literally all I can do not to utter a thousand curse words at God right now. It's all I can do to not walk into my director's office and tell him how I really feel. And it's all I can do to keep a smile on my face every day. I am so beat down...both physically and emotionally.

Reading the above daily inspiration, reminds me, again, that this time in my life is only temporary. I know I have said that numerous times already...but reitterating it over and over again helps me actually believe it. And if I have to say it a hundred more times in order to get through this time, you better believe I will do just that.

Today's affirmation: "I'll try to keep my perspective, remembering that even the worst day is only one small moment in my life".

Today I pray: "May God keep me from worrying unduly about small things. May He, instead, open my eyes to the grandeur of His universe and the ceaseless wonders of His earth. May He grant me the breadth of vision which can reduce any small, fretful concern of mine to the size of a fly on a cathedral window".

Strength and Time for Change...

I was reading my "Daily Book of Positive Quotations" book tonight, desperately looking for some much needed words of encouragement, and I happened across these two topics that are exactly what I needed. Today was, hands down, the worst day I have had at my job since starting with the company over four years ago. I know in previous posts, I have touched upon the issues I am, and have been for some time now, dealing with at work. The issues are seperate in nature, but in the end directly affect the other. As I previously mentioned, I have not been receiving commission checks for six months now. This is the result of not meeting my monthly goals that are set forth by management. Not reaching goal = not getting paid. It's as simple as that. You would think that there's a very simple answer to that problem...work harder. Right? Not the case. I have more work to do now, than I ever have had before, and I simply cannot keep up. And I feel completely confident when I say that I have been busting my butt each and every day that I am in that office...from the time I walk in the door at 7:00 am, until the time I leave at 4:00 pm (although lately it's been more like 5:30 or 6:00). But despite all of my hard work, it just simply isn't making a difference. I'm still not getting paid. It's so bad, that last month I didn't have enough money to pay my rent, much less my utilities. I had to borrow money from family, which is such a hard thing to swallow at the age of 31...especially since I have been completely financially stable for the last four years.

I have tried to remain optimistic these last six months...thinking that 'next month things will turn around'...'next month I'm bound to reach goal and get paid'. Well, six months have gone by and still nothing has changed. Today was the icing on the cake. My manager called me into his office and gave me a 'verbal warning'...which those of you that work in the corporate world know is basically the same thing as a written warning. Regardless of if it's verbal or in writing, it's never a good thing. Not to mention, it's extremely humiliating and a complete punch in the gut. I couldn't believe it. I have NEVER gotten in trouble for anything the entire time I've been with the company, and now that I am working harder than ever before, I am getting a warning that I need to improve my production or I could ultimately be let go?? I am in complete disbelief.

The first reflection I read today talked about strength.

"What does not destroy me, makes me stronger" - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Tough times can make us stronger and wiser. Knowing this doesn't really make tough times any easier, though-at least not while we're going through them. But it's worthwile to remind ourselves often of this truth.

Of course, we get stronger not simply because we go through tough times, but because we call upon our best selves to find our way through them. We draw upon our humor, patience, courage, and other qualities and, in doing so, learn the power of our inner resources.

The second reflection talked about a time for change.

" Change before you have to" - Jack Welch

When we have to change, we change. When we have no other choice, we do what we have to do. We may not like it-we may even resent it-but we do it anyway, and we find a way to deal with it.

But what if instead of simply reacting to change, we initiated change ourselves? What if we anticipated the need for change and actively planned for it in both our personal and professional lives? What if we acted before change was forced on us?

Such powerful words...and oh how fitting for my situation. I am dealing with an unbelievable amount of stress, both personally and professionally, and am having to call upon my most powerful inner resources just to make it through the day sometimes. What gets me through most days, is the voice inside of my head that is telling me 'things will get better'. I am doing my best to power through these tough times, and I must say that I am learning alot about myself in the meantime. I know a lot of people who would have given up at this point, but the fact that I can still remain positive and optimistic despite adversity, says alot about my character.

But despite my optimism and my positive attitude, even I can realize when it's time to make a change. I am toying back and forth with two options here. Either I can change the way I am currently working, in an effort to increase my productivity...or I can look for a new job. I really don't want to choose the latter option, but I have a gut feeling that that's the path I will more than likely take. It saddens me beyond words to even think about leaving the company I have loved for more than four years. My heart and soul is in that company (as corny as that sounds), but it has been more than just a "job" for me. I enjoy going to work each day (okay, most days), I enjoy the people I work with, and I actually like the job that I do. I don't want to leave. But if I am doing the very best that I can do each day, and it is still not good enough, then maybe it's time to say "enough is enough" and move on. Afterall, you can only do so much before realizing you're spinning your wheels and getting absolutely nowhere. And like the reflection above said...sometimes it's better to act before change is forced upon us. Unless something drastically changes, and soon, my decision is inevitable.

Please pray for me as I try and figure out the best course of action for myself. I have a difficult decision to make, and I need all the support I can get.

Today's affirmation(s): "I will survive the difficult periods in my life. And after each one, I will be a stronger, more resilient person".

"If change is good-and it can be- maybe I should deliberately push myself to change once in a while".

Getting through...

"The best way out is always through" - Robert Frost

There's no easy way to get out of a difficult period, as much as we may want to find one. We just have to go through it. Rationally, we may know that our pain will lessen over time, but this is little solace at first.

Still, we survive. And we survive by living through our pain-day by day, week by week, month by month. And then, suddenly one day, we're on the other side, looking back, thinking, "That was a rough period, wasn't it? But I made it."

It goes without saying that I've really had a rough time of it lately. With all of the things going on in my personal, as well as my professional life, I easily fell victim to the "why me" syndrome, ultimately leading me to have the world's biggest pity party known to man. My emotions have been that of a roller coaster...up one minute, then down the next. I've been mad as hell, sad to the point of tears, and so down in the dumps that I have feared there is no purpose to my life anymore. My mind races with so many thoughts, that it's hard for me to keep up with them all. I feel like I am stuck in a huge rut, and that I may never get out. I keep asking God why he is testing me like this, and so far I have not received an answer. That's not to say that I have given up, and I will continue to pray for direction from Him until I find my way again. It's hard to remain positive and optimistic though, don't get me wrong. There are some days I just want to give up...some days I don't even want to get out of bed. This is a very scary time for me to say the least.

Today's reflection is perfect. It puts my troubles into perspective. It reminds me that there is never an easy fix to anything in life, especially tough times like these. You just have to continue pushing through each and every day, enduring the difficult times to make it to the other side. I have been tested before by God. I made it through then, and I will make it through this time too. I will survive. I will. I just need to remind myself that this time in my life is only temporary, and that this too will pass. If I can force myself to push through each day (even if I'm kicking and screaming the whole time), eventually I will be on the other side. One day I will wake up and realize that these tough times are over. Hopefully I will be able to look back on this time in my life with pride...pride for making it through and not giving up. I know there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel...I just need to keep my eyes focused on that light...and eventually God will lead me to it. It will happen.

Today's affirmation: "I want things to be better-I want to be better- right away. I hate being in pain. But I can't make the healing go any faster, so I just need to accept that I will heal, with time".

Love within reach...

I've had a great day so far. I woke up and went to Starbucks for a few hours to get some work done. I have made the decision that I will do whatever it takes to a) get caught up on my workload, and b) make sure I receive a commission check this month. So if that means I have to work overtime during the week and also work weekends...I'm going to do it. Anyways, after Starbucks I decided to go to a yoga class at LA Fitness. I recently signed up for classes at the Bikram Yoga studio in Dallas, but have only managed to make it to two classes...mainly because I just haven't had the energy to withstand 90 minutes of intense exercise since I've been sick. I used to go to this particular yoga class every Saturday, and I really loved it...but I got lazy, and just stopped going. For some reason today, I had this burning desire to go back...and I'm so glad I did. Not only was it an excellent class today, but the instructor read something at the end of class that really touched my heart. I just had to know what she was reading, so after class, I went over to her and asked. She showed me this book called "The Daily Book of Positive Quotations" by Linda Picone. She said she found it at Target, so being me, I immediately rushed over to Target to get my own copy. Here's what she read today:

"When we cannot get what we love, we must love what is within our reach" - French Proverb

Learning to love what we have, rather than what we would like to have, is not a matter of giving up or compromising. It's a matter of maturing.

We set out goals high, and we should. We work diligently towards our goals, and we should. But if we don't realize all of our goals, should we live our lives with bitterness and regret? How much richer would our lives be if we could appreciate the blessings that we already have?

This just reinforces what I said the other day...that we should do some "instant bookkeeping" of our lives, and make a list of all the blessings we are fortunate to have. So many times, I look at my life and feel sad about all of the things I don't have...the things I have done in my past...the things I haven't yet accomplished. It literally paralyzes me with fear about the future. I think 'I'm already 31 years old, and there are so many things I should have done by now...I'm running out of time'. But in reality, life does not operate on a specific timeline. There is nothing that says we have to accomplish X, Y, and Z before a specific time. In my break-up letter to Ed, I blamed him for not being married with children. I blamed him for not having more meaningful relationships with others. And I blamed him for robbing me of my own identity. Yes, he did play a large part in some of these things, but in all honesty, it might just be that I was meant to be where I am now at the age of 31. Who's to say that had I not had an eating disorder all this time that I would be married? Or have kids? Who's to say that I would have more friends or be happier in my life?

I am slowly learning to love my life again, and count my blessings each and every day. I'm really trying to focus on the positive things in my life...the blessings God has given me. It's a hard thing to do really. It's so easy to wish my life was different and to think about all of the things I don't have. But if I dwell on what I don't have, and if I am always wishing my life were different, then I will miss out on what I do have. The bottom line is this: I am where I am in my life for a reason. I have so many things to be thankful for...so many reasons to count my blessings. Life is way too short to yearn for things that are ultimately out of our control. The quote at the top of my page sums it up perfectly: "Life is a journey, not a destination".

Today's affirmation: " I will love my life for what it is, rather than regretting it for what it is not"

Dear Ed...

I wish we had never met. I often think how different my life would be now if that were true. Would I be married? Would I have children? Would I have genuine and meaningful relationships with others? Would I love myself more than I do today? What a different plan I had in place for my life! I feel as though our relationship has robbed me of the last fifteen years. I look back at that time and wonder how so much time has just passed me by. I feel completely cheated...betrayed. For so long I trusted in you! I remember how comforting and reassuring your voice was all those times I felt so completely alone and afraid. You told me everything would be okay if I just trusted in you. And I believed you. Because of this I am more alone than ever. I remember how convincing you were when you told me that you knew what was best for me and noone else could be trusted. Again I believed you. Because of this I shut others out. And I vividly remember all those times when you told me I wasn't good enough unless I was skinny and perfect. That voice is louder than all the others and sometimes is the only one I can hear. For the last time...I believed in you. I have sacrificed so much of myself for so long that I no longer remember who I am. All I know is that I am sick.

Perhaps this is the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life, and it is with a heavy heart that I am ending this relationship. For so long I have sat on the sidelines and watched you play the game for me. I have forgotten how to laugh...how to be content...how to love. You have taken so much from me that for once I fear for my life, and I refuse to die in your arms. I want my life back! I want to be healthy, happy, and peaceful. I want the life that God has planned for me...the life he had planned for me before I was even born.

From now on you are not allowed in my life. Starting now I am going to be the person you never wanted me to be. And I will do whatever it takes to keep you at bay. I will not look at you, talk to you, or even acknowledge your existence. You are dead to me. I wish I could say it was a pleasure knowing you.

This is a break-up letter I wrote to Ed during treatment. I read it aloud during process group, and cried as I did. Just saying those words out loud was more empowering than I could have ever imagined. In light of my recent struggles with food, work, health, etc..., I felt it was time to pull out this letter and read it aloud again. And I also wanted to share it with you so you can understand, on a deeper level, the pain and regrets I carry with me because of my eating disorder. It not only robs you of your physical health...it also robs you of your entire life.

I often still wonder how different my life would be now had I never succumbed to ED. Even though I know that I have been given a brand new chance at life, I still struggle with the "what ifs". I still struggle with letting go of my past, and often relive certain times in my life trying to figure out what I could have done different (this goes along with the whole perfection thing, and always wanting to please others). When I catch myself doing this, I have to remind myself that my past is how I got to where I am today...it shaped the person I am now...mistakes and all. Afterall, mistakes are what help us learn and grow as individuals. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way. But despite the hard road I had to take to get to the current stage in my life, I am happy to be here now, and I like who I am. I like me.

Today's affirmation: "I forgive myself and others, release the past and move forward with love in my heart".

It always amazes me how words...

can evoke so much emotion within one's self. I am really trying my hardest to dig my way out of the self-pity I have been wallowing in for so long, and the daily meditations, reflections, and quotes I have been reading the last few days are really beginning to inspire me. Each daily reflection, from my "One Day at a Time" book, for the last week, has been all about self-pity, which is so fitting for my current state of mind. For the last eight months, I have dealt with one health issue after another. I have also been dealing with some major financial setbacks at work, and the combination of the two has really taken its toll on me both physically and emotionally.

To go into a little further detail about my current health struggles, I'll quickly update you on the latest prognosis (as of today). I went back to the doctor this morning for a follow-up appointment to last week's visit. I still have mono (like that would have gone away in a week), and the antibiotics he gave me for the sinus infection didn't work and the infection is still there. He prescribed a new antibiotic, which I will have to take for two weeks, three times a day. I'm a little concerned that a) I have been so susceptible to so many different infections over the last few months, and b) that it usually takes more than one round of antibiotics to clear them up. I expressed this concern to the doctor, and asked if there could possibly be an underlying issue that is causing all of the above. He quickly told me that he "didn't want to go there yet" (whatever that means), and that he had another patient he needed to get to. I was really put off by that. I can't afford to spend any more of my time and money to see a doctor that isn't willing to dig a little deeper to find the root cause of my health problems. But I am trying my hardest (and I mean my hardest) to trust him and be patient. I will give the antibiotics time to work, and will keep praying that they work this time, and that they will get rid of the infection. If they don't work this time, I will insist on being referred to a specialist who is willing to spend more time trying to figure this out. Bottom line is that I am sick of being sick! He did go ahead and send a referral over to an orthopedic back specialist so that I can get a better examination of my back/spine, and hopefully get to the bottom of that pain. So that's good news. I have to go back in one week to this doctor, for yet another follow-up visit, so please pray for me in the meantime. Ask God for healing, and also that He will give me the patience needed to wait this out (honestly, my patience has worn very thin).

Without going into too many details about work (because let's face it...who wants to hear about that), I will briefly say that money is a huge concern for me right now...and has been since returning to work from treatment in February. I am barely scraping by right now, and if it wasn't for the help of my family, I would either be out on the streets, or sitting in my house with no electricty, water, or gas. It's that bad. Again, I have done my absolute best to be patient for the last few months, but it is getting to the point where I just might have to bite the bullet and "explore other options". I know in the Bible it says that God will not give you more than you can handle...but I am losing my faith in that assurance. As scared, frustrated, and stressed out as I am, I am still trying to remain optimistic that things will turn around...and soon. But it may come to the point where I have to face reality and realize that I may need to make some changes. So again, please pray for me and my financial stability.

All of that being said, today's reflection was great. It talked about pulling yourself out of the self-pity trap by doing some "instant bookkeeping". It says that for every entry of misery on the debit side of our ledger, there needs to be a blessing to mark on the credit side (the friends and family we have, the illnesses we don't have, a clean and sober 24-hours, etc...). Furthermore, if we try our hardest, we can easily list a whole string of credits that will far outweigh the debit entries, which inevitably cause our self-pity.

The take-away prayer was this: "May I learn to sort out my debits and credits, and add it all up. May I list my several blessings on the credit side. May the ledger show me, when all is totaled, a fat fund of good things to draw on".

Here is my list of "credits", or blessings:
1. My amazing family
2. The fact that I have a nice place to call home
3. My friends that have stuck by me through the good times and bad
4. My health (seems ironic doesn't it? but I could have cancer, could be paralyzed, or have something far worse than what I currently have that could greatly affect my quality of life)
5. The fact that I am lucky enough to have a job, when there are so many people struggling to find work
6. My precious dog Riley
7. My artistic/crafty qualities that make me unique
8. The fact that I was lucky enough to attend a top-quality treatment facility that saved my life
9. The resources that I have available to me to continue living in recovery
10. The fact that I have an amazing Higher Power who will carry me when I am too weak to walk in His steps, and who will never leave my side...even if I lose my faith in Him.

I realize that I am a very lucky person. There are so many good things in my life, and I ask God that I may never take those things for granted.

Today's affirmation: "If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me, no matter how heavy my heart is or how dark the moment might be...if I can but keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true, that darkness will fade with morning and that this too will pass away. Then nothing can ever disturb me or fill me with uncertain fear...for as sure as night brings dawning, my morning is bound to appear".

I think you'll like this one...

My mom gave me a piece of paper with a quote on it that I really like. I like it so much, that it is hanging in my cubicle at work. Each day I read this quote and it inspires me. Words truly are so powerful.

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strong pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray".

Happy Hump Day!

I have spent so much of my life trying to please others...

that I seem to have lost part of my own identity along the way. In the past I would literally feel sick if I thought that someone was either mad or unhappy with me. I would play and replay conversations over in my head, always thinking I should have said or done something different. And I always felt as though I had to make amends with those people just to ensure they didn't "hate" me or think less of me (I couldn't stand the thought of someone thinking I was anything but perfect). Normally, this would just add more drama to a situation than needed to be, but I couldn't rest until my mind was sure I had made things "right". What other people thought of me was the most important thing in my mind. Let me tell you...this was an exhausting way to live and interact with others.

In treatment I learned that it's okay not to be "perfect" all the time, and that inevitably, at many points in your life, you are going to do something that someone else doesn't like. Someone is bound to disagree with you, your decisions, or your actions...and that is OK. Talk about an eye-opening discovery! I don't have to be perfect? I don't have to worry all the time about what other people think about me? What a relief! Now I say that is was a huge relief to find that out, but I will be completely honest when I say that this is still a daily struggle for me. I have gotten so much better though, and I am now able to let things "go" so much easier than ever before. If someone disagrees with me (God forbid), I am able to take a step back, assess the situation, and move on. This is especially true when I feel confident in my decision or my actions pertaining to a certain situation. I no longer second guess myself as much as I used to. I think alot of this comes from the self-esteem and self-worth that I gained during treatment. I now know that I am completely capable of making my own decisions, even if they are selfish at times, and I can feel good about them without worrying so much what other people may think about those decisions. I am now able to make decisions based on what is best for me.

Yesterday's daily reflection/meditation from my "One Day at a Time" book, talked about how people with addictions constantly seek approval of others. This, no doubt, leads to the dreaded self-pity I talked about in my last post. The take-away prayer for the day was this:

God, make me ever mindful of where I came from and the new goals I have been encouraged to set. May I stop playing to an audience for their approval, since I am fully capable of admiring or appluading myself if I feel I have earned it. Help me make myself attractive from the inside, so it will show through, rather than adorning the outside for effect. I am tired of stage make-up and costumes, God; help me be myself.

I am tired of always feeling the need to please others. I pray for the courage to stand up for myself and do what I feel is right, regardless of what others may think.

Today's affirmation: "I love and approve of myself. I am at peace with my own feelings and my decisions, and I stand tall and free".