Ego and Position...

"Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it" - Colin Powell

"We're proud when we're successful at what we do. Executive, teacher, athlete, parent - we like telling people what we do. It tends to be how we define who we are - to ourselves and others.

But what happens when we retire or become empty-nesters? This can be a wrenching adjustment. We don't quite know how to introduce ourselves without a job attached to our name. Worse, we aren't even sure ourselves who we are. It's good to be invested in our work, as long as we remember that we aren't our work and our work isn't us. It's just something we do".

Oh what a concept! As much as I complain about my job...the hours, the stress, and the pay (especially the pay, or lack there of)...I often don't know what to do with myself when I'm not at work. Today was one of those days. I had one of the most stressful days today...one that nearly gave me a panic attack. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of the office...just to be anywhere but there. Yet I came home, ate dinner, and then couldn't think of anything else to do. As a matter of fact, it's almost 7:00, and I still can't think of anything to do. All I can think about is work. Did I get enough done today? What did I forget to do? What do I have to do tomorrow - will I get it all done? It's pathetic. Work absolutely consumes my mind at all times of the day...I even dream about it.

As I said in a post the other day, I'm in a little bit of trouble at work for my performance. My job is actually on the line. It doesn't make sense, does it? You would think that someone whose job was on the line, would be a slacker. You would think that they didn't care about their job. And you especially wouldn't think that they constantly obsessed over it! Yet that's me. I guess it goes back to the whole "people pleasing" idea. Despite the current situation at work, I still go above and beyond to make sure that I am doing everything right, and that noone is disappointed in me. Sometimes I think I ought to just give up and quit. Some might wonder why I continue to stress myself out to the point of panic? Why I haven't just moved on to greener pastures? That's actually a damn good question. I ask myself that question every day. Am I being an idiot here?

I just wish that, regardless of where I am working or whether I am 100% happy with my job, I could seperate my work and my life. I need to find solace in something other than working. But I just can't seem to find anything that truly makes me happy right now. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have plenty of things that are positive in my life...my wonderful family, my two precious nephews, and a few good friends...but I'm talking about something that is just mine and noone else's. Something that I can focus on that is completely seperate from my work.
I used to enjoy making jewlery, but I can't remember the last time I sat down to make a pair of earrings. I used to like to color...or make collages. But even those pleasurable things seem to create an unbelievable amount of stress now. My mind is just so overwhelmed that, even when I sit down to try and relax, I can't. I feel like I am trapped inside my own head screaming to get out.

If only I could learn to leave work at the office, and leave my personal life at home in the morning...I think my life would be so much better. And if only I could remember the simple pleasures in life...I might be able to calm my brain down when I get home from a long day. I don't know how other people do it...

Today's affirmation: "I love my work, but my life - and who I am - are more than my work. I will make sure that I have other sources of satisfaction".