Silence and Strength

"May the stars carry your sadness away,
May the flowers fill your heart with beauty.
May hope foreve wipe away your tears,
And, above all, may silence make you strong." - Chief Dan George

Often, our first instinct when we're feeling sad is to fill up the empty space around us with people, noise, and activity. "Get out and see other people," our friends tell us. "Keep busy."

But it can be very healing to allow ourselves to feel our sadness fully, in silence and alone, particularly if we look for our solace in nature. Being in the natural world reminds us that everything, including sadness, eventually passes.

For so long now, I have put on a happy face, pretending that things aren't falling apart on the inside. I walk around with a smile on my face so that others don't know how I really feel. I don't want to worry anybody, and I definitely don't want anyone to think I'm a headcase. But I'm tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of trying to be something I'm not...happy. To be completely and brutally honest, I'm sad. My heart is heavy all the time. My eyes fill with tears at the drop of a hat. And I feel this immense and crushing sense of dread. Why? I wish I knew. If I knew, then I would fix it in a heartbeat. But I don't know, and I can't fix it.

Each morning I wake up with this burst of energy...ready to take on the day. I think "today I am going to work extra hard...I'm going to come home and clean the house...I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that". But then work stresses me out, I get tired, and I lose all of the energy I started the day with. I come home and don't know what to do with myself. My house is a disaster, yet I can't seem to find enough energy to clean it. There are so many things that I need to do, yet I can't find any motivation to get them done. Some days, I literally watch the clock...counting down the hours until it's time for bed. Some days, I get tired of waiting, and just go to bed at 7 or 8. There are some days I would much rather be asleep than awake. It scares me. I don't like feeling this way, but I don't know how to make it stop.

Do I want to feel this way? Of course not! Do I want to be truly and legitimately happy? Of course I do! Maybe, like today's reflection says, it's important for me to truly feel my sadness. Maybe there's a reason I'm feeling the way I am. And maybe it's part of God's plan for me to experience my sadness alone. Maybe this is the way I will heal.

May I look at the beauty of nature that surrounds me, and remember that I am not in control. May I see the sky and all of the stars...the trees and all of the beautiful flowers...may I feel the warm breeze on my face, and know that God is in control. May I be reminded that there is a power greater than myself, and know that He has a plan for me.

Today's affirmation: "When I am sad, I will sit quietly and experience my feelings. By letting myself be sad for a while, I prepare myself to move beyond my sadness".