Dear Ed...

I wish we had never met. I often think how different my life would be now if that were true. Would I be married? Would I have children? Would I have genuine and meaningful relationships with others? Would I love myself more than I do today? What a different plan I had in place for my life! I feel as though our relationship has robbed me of the last fifteen years. I look back at that time and wonder how so much time has just passed me by. I feel completely cheated...betrayed. For so long I trusted in you! I remember how comforting and reassuring your voice was all those times I felt so completely alone and afraid. You told me everything would be okay if I just trusted in you. And I believed you. Because of this I am more alone than ever. I remember how convincing you were when you told me that you knew what was best for me and noone else could be trusted. Again I believed you. Because of this I shut others out. And I vividly remember all those times when you told me I wasn't good enough unless I was skinny and perfect. That voice is louder than all the others and sometimes is the only one I can hear. For the last time...I believed in you. I have sacrificed so much of myself for so long that I no longer remember who I am. All I know is that I am sick.

Perhaps this is the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life, and it is with a heavy heart that I am ending this relationship. For so long I have sat on the sidelines and watched you play the game for me. I have forgotten how to laugh...how to be content...how to love. You have taken so much from me that for once I fear for my life, and I refuse to die in your arms. I want my life back! I want to be healthy, happy, and peaceful. I want the life that God has planned for me...the life he had planned for me before I was even born.

From now on you are not allowed in my life. Starting now I am going to be the person you never wanted me to be. And I will do whatever it takes to keep you at bay. I will not look at you, talk to you, or even acknowledge your existence. You are dead to me. I wish I could say it was a pleasure knowing you.

This is a break-up letter I wrote to Ed during treatment. I read it aloud during process group, and cried as I did. Just saying those words out loud was more empowering than I could have ever imagined. In light of my recent struggles with food, work, health, etc..., I felt it was time to pull out this letter and read it aloud again. And I also wanted to share it with you so you can understand, on a deeper level, the pain and regrets I carry with me because of my eating disorder. It not only robs you of your physical health...it also robs you of your entire life.

I often still wonder how different my life would be now had I never succumbed to ED. Even though I know that I have been given a brand new chance at life, I still struggle with the "what ifs". I still struggle with letting go of my past, and often relive certain times in my life trying to figure out what I could have done different (this goes along with the whole perfection thing, and always wanting to please others). When I catch myself doing this, I have to remind myself that my past is how I got to where I am today...it shaped the person I am now...mistakes and all. Afterall, mistakes are what help us learn and grow as individuals. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way. But despite the hard road I had to take to get to the current stage in my life, I am happy to be here now, and I like who I am. I like me.

Today's affirmation: "I forgive myself and others, release the past and move forward with love in my heart".