Strength and Time for Change...

I was reading my "Daily Book of Positive Quotations" book tonight, desperately looking for some much needed words of encouragement, and I happened across these two topics that are exactly what I needed. Today was, hands down, the worst day I have had at my job since starting with the company over four years ago. I know in previous posts, I have touched upon the issues I am, and have been for some time now, dealing with at work. The issues are seperate in nature, but in the end directly affect the other. As I previously mentioned, I have not been receiving commission checks for six months now. This is the result of not meeting my monthly goals that are set forth by management. Not reaching goal = not getting paid. It's as simple as that. You would think that there's a very simple answer to that problem...work harder. Right? Not the case. I have more work to do now, than I ever have had before, and I simply cannot keep up. And I feel completely confident when I say that I have been busting my butt each and every day that I am in that office...from the time I walk in the door at 7:00 am, until the time I leave at 4:00 pm (although lately it's been more like 5:30 or 6:00). But despite all of my hard work, it just simply isn't making a difference. I'm still not getting paid. It's so bad, that last month I didn't have enough money to pay my rent, much less my utilities. I had to borrow money from family, which is such a hard thing to swallow at the age of 31...especially since I have been completely financially stable for the last four years.

I have tried to remain optimistic these last six months...thinking that 'next month things will turn around'...'next month I'm bound to reach goal and get paid'. Well, six months have gone by and still nothing has changed. Today was the icing on the cake. My manager called me into his office and gave me a 'verbal warning'...which those of you that work in the corporate world know is basically the same thing as a written warning. Regardless of if it's verbal or in writing, it's never a good thing. Not to mention, it's extremely humiliating and a complete punch in the gut. I couldn't believe it. I have NEVER gotten in trouble for anything the entire time I've been with the company, and now that I am working harder than ever before, I am getting a warning that I need to improve my production or I could ultimately be let go?? I am in complete disbelief.

The first reflection I read today talked about strength.

"What does not destroy me, makes me stronger" - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Tough times can make us stronger and wiser. Knowing this doesn't really make tough times any easier, though-at least not while we're going through them. But it's worthwile to remind ourselves often of this truth.

Of course, we get stronger not simply because we go through tough times, but because we call upon our best selves to find our way through them. We draw upon our humor, patience, courage, and other qualities and, in doing so, learn the power of our inner resources.

The second reflection talked about a time for change.

" Change before you have to" - Jack Welch

When we have to change, we change. When we have no other choice, we do what we have to do. We may not like it-we may even resent it-but we do it anyway, and we find a way to deal with it.

But what if instead of simply reacting to change, we initiated change ourselves? What if we anticipated the need for change and actively planned for it in both our personal and professional lives? What if we acted before change was forced on us?

Such powerful words...and oh how fitting for my situation. I am dealing with an unbelievable amount of stress, both personally and professionally, and am having to call upon my most powerful inner resources just to make it through the day sometimes. What gets me through most days, is the voice inside of my head that is telling me 'things will get better'. I am doing my best to power through these tough times, and I must say that I am learning alot about myself in the meantime. I know a lot of people who would have given up at this point, but the fact that I can still remain positive and optimistic despite adversity, says alot about my character.

But despite my optimism and my positive attitude, even I can realize when it's time to make a change. I am toying back and forth with two options here. Either I can change the way I am currently working, in an effort to increase my productivity...or I can look for a new job. I really don't want to choose the latter option, but I have a gut feeling that that's the path I will more than likely take. It saddens me beyond words to even think about leaving the company I have loved for more than four years. My heart and soul is in that company (as corny as that sounds), but it has been more than just a "job" for me. I enjoy going to work each day (okay, most days), I enjoy the people I work with, and I actually like the job that I do. I don't want to leave. But if I am doing the very best that I can do each day, and it is still not good enough, then maybe it's time to say "enough is enough" and move on. Afterall, you can only do so much before realizing you're spinning your wheels and getting absolutely nowhere. And like the reflection above said...sometimes it's better to act before change is forced upon us. Unless something drastically changes, and soon, my decision is inevitable.

Please pray for me as I try and figure out the best course of action for myself. I have a difficult decision to make, and I need all the support I can get.

Today's affirmation(s): "I will survive the difficult periods in my life. And after each one, I will be a stronger, more resilient person".

"If change is good-and it can be- maybe I should deliberately push myself to change once in a while".