Yesterday was a very trying day for me...

my company had a "team building" activity for my department. We all got to leave work at 1:30, and head to a nearby park for the event. Once we got there, we divided into teams for a relay type obstacle course. Now keep in mind that it was right in the middle of the day in the blazing Texas heat...it was over 90 degrees. We were allowed to wear athletic attire since we would be running, etc. Of course I didn't want to wear my jeans because I knew I would be absolutely miserable...so I wore shorts. I hate wearing shorts. Not only do I not like wearing shorts around people I know, I definitely don't like wearing them around a bunch of people I don't. Now I know that I'm not overweight, fat, etc...but I was SO self concious the entire time. I felt like everybody was staring at me and judging me. I just knew that they were saying how ugly and fat my legs were and how unattractive they were. I just knew it. My mind was racing with these horrible, negative thoughts, and it just consumed me. So much so that I really didn't have a good time. All I could think about was getting out of there into the confines of my house...away from the judgement and ridicule. To make matters worse, they cooked hamburgers and hot dogs after the event, and of course I was starving. I hadn't eaten lunch since we left the office so early, and the food smelled so good. But again, my mind was racing and I just couldn't bring myself to eat in front of everyone. I literally froze. On one hand my stomach was telling me that I needed to eat...I wanted to eat. But on the other hand, my brain was telling me that people would judge me if I did eat. It was awful. So there I sat, hot, hungry and conflicted...watching other people enjoy themselves. It was all I could do not to go running in the other direction. I don't know why this is happening to me. Before treatment...before everyone knew my "secret"...I probably wouldn't have had a problem grabbing a plate and chowing down. But ever since people found out about ED, I just can't bring myself to do it. It frustrates me beyond belief! I know that I have to get over this fear...that in order to heal I must force myself to face these daunting challenges...challenges that are so mundane to the rest of the world. It's times like these that make me realize how overpowering ED really is. That no matter how far I've come in the recovery process, I still have a long way to go. It's eye opening.

When I got home I was even more starving, and I was really craving a hamburger. So I went to the grocery store and bought stuff to make my own burger. I invited my mom over for dinner and we both enjoyed a delicous, home cooked, meal. I feel safe eating in front of my family...I know they don't judge.

Each and every day I discover new challenges in my life. I am reminded that life with ED is never going to be easy. But now I know that I can take a step back from these challenges and work through them with a completely new mindset. It amazes me every time how much I have grown in the last few months. I feel empowered...but empowered in a new and good way.

Today's affirmation: "One step at a time. That is how I will get where I am going".

Understanding the nature and extent...

of our disease was a large part of the treatment process. Every Thursday afternoon we had group family therapy sessions, and each patient was required to give the history of their disease to the group. At first, I was mortified, and flat out refused to participate. It really was noone's business how my disease started, and how long I had been sick. I didn't feel like explaining myself. I was in treatment, I was getting the help I needed, so who cared about the past. Right? Wrong. Understanding how and when your eating disorder started is imperative to the recovery process...without that understanding, you can't nor won't get better. And come to find out, relaying this to a room full of people (mostly strangers) really isn't that bad afterall. So in order for you to understand my disease, I feel like it's important for you to understand how and when mine started.

I remember the first time I ever binged and purged like it was yesterday. I was fifteen and a sophomore in high school. It was a weekday afternoon, and I was babysitting down the street from my house. I was in my cheerleading uniform because I had to cheer at a basketball game later that evening...and I was starving. I was starving because I had been dieting for most of the school year. Dieting consisted mostly of fat-free, low calorie foods, and limiting how much of them I ate. Basically eating like a bird. But that afternoon I remember deciding to have a snack. I was only going to eat something small I thought...and it would be something healthy. One minute I was staring into the refrigerator at all of the food, and the next thing I knew I had eaten so much I could barely breathe. I went from one extreme to the other in a matter of minutes. I don't necessarily remember the entire thought process going on in my head after that, but I do remember one thing...I felt this overwhelming urge to get rid of everything I had just eaten. My stomach was so full and distended that I panicked. Sheer panic soared throughout my entire body like and I knew there was only one option at that point. My body was on automatic pilot. I went into the bathroom and I made myself throw up. It was disgusting...painful...scary...and actually pretty hard to pull off the first time (in case you're wondering, making yourself throw up is a learned technique...it doesn't just happen easily). But once I was finished I remember feeling this sick sense of empowerment. It was almost an elation. I thought: 'I can control what goes in and out of my body. I can control my food, how much I eat, and if I eat too much I can easily get rid of it'. I was hooked like a drug addict after snorting that first line...there was no turning back.

That day plays over and over in my head like a broken record. I often wonder what my life would be like today if I had just made a different decision that day...if I had had more self control at that very moment. But now I can't see my life in any other light because my ED is all that has consumed me for more than half of it. I feel like that one decision is the one that has dictated much of my existence for the last fifteen years. It just amazes me.

There is so much more that goes into an ED than just deciding one day to throw up. I definitely didn't wake up that morning and tell myself 'I think I'll become bulimic today'. The first half of my life played a big part in my disease as well, but I'll write about that some other day.

I hope you'll stay with me throughout this blog so you can see how I learn and grow and become the person I've always wanted to be. Thanks for your support too, I couldn't do this without you.

Today's affirmation: "It does not matter what the disease is. There is always room for hope. I am not going to die one of the statistics".

While I was in treatment...

we spent a lot of time using affirmations as a way to boost our morale. I still rely heavily on them whenever I'm feeling sad, frustrated or overwhelmed. Here are some that I really like...enjoy!

Though noone can go back and make a new start, anyone can start from now and make a new end.

To be upset over what I don't have is to waste what I do have.

I forgive myself and others, release the past, and move forward with love in my heart.

I will not be embarassed by my pain. I will go through it with dignity. It will enhance me.

I will resist anything that takes me off the chosen path of recovery.

I am in charge. I am responsible for the direction of my boat!

Noone can make me a victim unless I allow them to.

I am naturally beautiful when I am myself.

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life. It is a clean slate. I will begin it totally refreshed and just live it.

When I look back at my past I will look tenderly and gently at all that I have been through. I will be proud of my accomplishments and how far I have come.

I deserve to recover.

I'm sitting here at work...

wondering how long I can pretend that I'm actually working before anyone notices I'm staring off in to space. The morning got off to a rocky start after tossing and turning all...night...long. I think I may have slept like three hours total. At one point I was up playing "Wurdle" on my iPhone...I'm completely and hopelessly addicted to that game. That, and Facebook, Bejeweled and Words with Friends. I can't even remember what life was like before my iPhone...what a sad existence. Anyways, I didn't get in to the office until 10:45 and I may have accomplished one task so far. Is it five o'clock yet??

On another random note...my right pointer finger's nail is turning this awful sickly shade of yellow. One day it was normal...and the next day I noticed it was yellow. Hmmm, what could cause your fingernail to turn yellow? Oh right...smoking. Yes my friends, I will shamelessly admit that I am a smoker. I have been for quite some time now. I guess in my mind it was a way to stay skinny (along with Diet Coke and coffee) for all those years. But now, well, I am just a smoker. Damn, I really hate saying that, but it's the gospel. I love it, want it...need it. Ugh. I really don't want to become one of those old wrinkly ladies who sits in her arm chair...Diet Coke, cigarette, and remote control in hand...and watches tv and chain smokes all day. So gross. But, I can't seem to quit. I actually quit once for about three months, and it was wonderous. I could breathe better...I felt better...and I definitely smelled better. But then, well, I gave in...again. So here I am with a yellow fingernail and a pack of cigarettes wondering when I will ever give up this nasty habit...

Today's affirmation: "Walking away from something that is bad for me is not quitting"

I'm beginning to wonder...

if people think I'm a hypochondriac. I mean, every time I turn around there is something wrong with me. The latest issue, as I've blogged about already, is my kidney stones. I went in to surgery last Thursday extremely optimistic that I would be kidney stone free afterwards. No such luck. The doctor tells me as I'm waking up from the anesthesia that he was unable to even reach my left kidney (the one with five stones) because my urethra was too small, and he risked puncturing it if he tried to force his way in. Now he warned me that this could be a potential complication before surgery, but said that the chances of this happening was slim to none, so he wasn't worried about it. But as I'm slowly coming to my senses in the recovery room, he continues to tell me that he has placed a stent in my urethra to try and stretch it out for the next surgery. The next what? That's right...I have to have the same surgery in two weeks! While I couldn't believe what he was telling me, some small part of me was thinking how typical it was that something had gone wrong. It seems like every time there is even the slightest chance of something going wrong...it does. And I'm not saying that to sound melodramatic...I'm saying that from experience. If something can go wrong...no matter how small the chance...it usually will.

But the main reason I think people consider me a hypochondriac, is because for the last year or so my health has been the reason for many cancelled invitations to happy hours, dinners, game nights, etc. It's not that I don't want to go...it's just that I physically don't feel well enough to go. And the latest event to be cancelled is actually a party that I was having at my new house. I already postponed the party once because too many people were going to be out of town that weekend, but now I just have to flat out cancel it. I am so upset about this, and am even hesitant to send out the email advising of such. I know I shouldn't care what other people think about me...but this is getting ridiculous. I am afraid that people will think I am just making this up, and that they may never accept another invitation to a party at my house again. Okay, so maybe I'm being a little over dramatic about the whole thing, but I did cancel the big Christmas party this year because I was in the hospital for Dengae Fever.

I guess maybe 15 years of doing damage to my body is finally catching up with me. I really can't expect my health to be instantly restored once I entered recovery. And honestly, I shouldn't worry about what other people think because I have spent so much of my life doing just that. My main focus right now is me. I am finally allowing myself to be selfish for once, and my only concern is my health. It has to be. It's an odd feeling to allow yourself to be selfish...but it's a freeing thing all at the same time. It sure does cut down on the amount of stress in my life.

Today's affirmation: "I will be more understanding of the needs of others when I am able to care for my own".

While I was in treatment...

I came to the sad realization that I have few real friends. Sure, I have alot of people that I like to talk to and hang out with, but only a few people I can call true friends. It's sad. I used to think it was my fault that I had trouble making real connections with other people, and an even harder time keeping relationships...but I now know that it is my disease that is at fault. When you're keeping such a horrible secret, you spend the majority of your time making sure noone gets close enough to find out, so you become an expert at putting up walls to keep others out. I was the best at this. I can't even count the number of relationships that I ruined in the last fifteen years (maybe even longer). Actually, I can remember being in seventh grade and alienating some of my closest girlfriends. And that was the beginning of junior high when you're nervous, awkward, and just trying to find your way...I was super alone. I managed to make my way through the next 6 years with four very close girlfriends, only one of which I can still call my best friend. But then came college, and again, I managed to alienate all of my friends that I made my freshman year. Again, I came out of college with one very good girlfriend that I still remain in contact with (although our contact is few and far between these days).

I don't consider myself a jealous person, but I will be the first to admit that I am truly jealous of other people that have many real, longlasting realtionships with friends from their past. For instance, I follow a lot of other people's blogs, and I see and read about "girl's weekends" where they take a trip with their friends from college...or they get together as mommies now. They talk about how grateful they are for these girls and how their lives wouldn't be the same without them. I don't have that. And is makes me irrate to think how ED ruined another aspect of my life.

So this brings me to my current relationships (and I hope I don't offend anyone who may read this). While in treatment I realized that some of the people I call my "friends" are not such good friends afterall. There were only four people that called to check up on me the entire three months I was gone. I'm sorry, but three months is a long time to be MIA, and for only four people to call and ask how I was doing, is sad. And now that I'm back, there are only a couple of people that ask how I'm doing now. I don't want people to fawn all over me and ask me every two minutes if I'm okay, but every once in a while would be okay with me...just to show me they care. Afterall, that's what friends are for...right? That's another reason I started this blog...it's my way of talking things out (something I can't do with my friends). Not to sound desperate, but I sometimes long for the company of a good friend. Okay, enough...I'm done with that topic (for now at least).

On a positive note, I woke up in a really good mood today and am ready for whatever life throws at me today. So bring it on!!!

Today's affirmation: "Every broken friendship offers lessons to inspire better ones in the future"

I just realized...

I forgot to post my decision regarding the surgery for my kidney stones. I've decided to go ahead and have it...in fact, the surgery is this Thursday. It's soon, I know! I talked it over with my family and my doctor, and ultimately the decision came down to what I thought would be best for me. It wasn't that hard of a decision, afterall, when I weighed the pros and cons. I can't afford (in the literal sense of the word) to miss a bunch of work when these stones do decide to pass, and honestly, I just don't want to deal with the hassle of it...the ER visits, the pain mediciation, and most of all the PAIN! The surgery isn't that big of a deal, or at least I thought so, until my doctor told me it would take three hours. What? I've had my tonsils out in less time than that! I mean it's not major open heart surgery, or anything like that, but I guess it's a little complicated just because of the way they have to get to the kidneys, etc. So please pray that the surgery will go well, and I'll have a smooth recovery.

It's funny because when I was in treatment, my treatment team talked about the "tools of recovery" all day long. They pretty much tried to brainwash us with them. Okay, so not really, but I swear, the answer to any question was "have you used your tools today"? Gag. I'm not one for that hokey pokey type nonsense, and believe me when I tell you that I fought with them for weeks about those damn tools. I didn't want to use their tools, and I definitely didn't need their tools...I was going to get in recovery my own way (are you starting to sense that I had a hard time adapting to their rules?). The #1 tool they pushed us to utilize was journaling. I can honestly say that I did not journal once the entire 9 weeks I was there. I just wasn't going to do it.

They also pushed other tools like peer phone calls, praying to your "Higher Power", deep breathing, etc. I really didn't have a hard time utilizing the other tools, because they didn't require much work. Sounds lazy, I know. Now that I look back on my time there, I really wish I had journaled more (okay, at all). I wish I could go back and read through those journal entries and see how far I've come...see the things that I was working through and what I still find that I need to work on even after treatment. I also have come to understand why I never journaled. Now this is going to sound crazy, but trust me when I say that it makes perfect sense in my head. I never journaled because I didn't think it would be perfect. I thought that I wouldn't be able to come up with the perfect words to put down on paper. And then I would have to look at this imperfect mess of a journal, and it would drive me crazy. Probably crazy to the point that I would have to tear out all the pages and start over. I know...it seems silly. But I have OCD and a severe case of perfectionism...almost to the point that it's crippling sometimes. It keeps me from wanting to do certain things in fear that I won't be good enough at it, or I'll start something and then obesess over it until it's perfect. I hate that about myself. So that's the main reason I started this blog...as my journal. This way, I can write down everything that's on my mind, but I can edit it as I go...haha. No really, this is helping me tremendously. Better late than never, right?

Today's affirmation: "I will not be intimidated"

WAMBA

One day I was walking down this old dirt road when suddenly, I saw this bright light and I heard this loud, ringing in my ear and then I heard the voice:

"I am WAMBA, the Big Bottomed Bellied Boobie Goddess".

she said:

"My thighs are thick and thunderous.

My waist is wide and wonderous.

My belly's rounded room, holds the full and glowing moon.

And my hips so soft and wide, hold the universe inside.

The mountains of my breasts are a living treasure chest.

And these legs are mighty stumps to support this mountainous rump.

Now, some would try to strip and starve me.

Some would try to mold and carve me.

But there is nothing more belittling than that narrow minded whittling.

I ain't gonna do no breast reduction.

Ain't gonna do no liposuction.

And your new "low fat" diet, I ain't gonna buy it.

My thighs are thick and thunderous.

My waist is wide and wonderous.

This body that was sent to me, is the form that it is meant to be".

UH HUH!!!

-Joules Graves

We read this so many times in treatment, and it is one of my favorite poems now. We even made "WAMBA" dolls. It's so true though...women spend so much time on their appearance. They try to mold themselves into something that the world thinks they should be...skinny and beautiful. In some cultures it is considered unattractive to be skinny...big is better...big is beautiful. I sometimes wish I lived in one of those cultures. I also sometimes (okay, often) wish I lived in Colorado. When I was working in Estes Park, I wore tie-dye t-shirts, jeans, and a bandana every day, and noone cared less. It was so great. In Dallas, I feel like I need to fit in with everyone else...like I need to be something I'm just not. It's sad. Don't get me wrong though...I do love nice clothes...especially shoes and jewelry. But I am way more into being comfortable than fashionable. I guess that's why I never wear any makeup. I'm just as happy in jeans and a t-shirt. But whenever I am feeling bad about myself, I try to channel WAMBA so that I can remember that I am beautiful just the way God made me.

Today's affirmation: "I am beautiful regardless of my size".

I typically hate these types of things...

but today I was just in the mood...

Meals I Want Right Now:
1. Lupe Tortilla's Fajitas
2. Yogurt from Orange Cup
3. Anything from Pei Wei

Songs I Like Today:
1. Paramore-Decode
2. Kesha-Your Love is My Drug
3. Lady Antebellum – Need You Now

On My DVR:
1. Intervention
2. ...
3. ...

Next In My Movie Queue:
1. Avatar
2. Precious
3. The Lovely Bones

Magazines Waiting To Be Read:
1. Southern Living
2. Star (don't judge me)
3. Martha Stewart Living

Current Most Used iPhone App:
1. Facebook
2. Wurdle
3. Words with Friends

Current Favorite Timewasters (not blogs) :
1. Facebook.com
2. Betterhomesandgardens.com
3. Ehow.com

Wearing Right Now:
1. My favorite skirt from Target
2. White sleevless shirt
3. Awesome brown heels

Things On Today’s To-Do List:
1. Finish planting my flowers before they die in their little pots
2. Try to stay off Facebook while at work
3. Trim monkey grass in front yard (it is out of control!)

The Last 3 Things Added To My Bucket List:
1. Skydiving
2. Scuba dive in Australia
3. Learn to play the guitar

Now it's your turn to play!

Out of the Closet

No, not in that way! I mean that not only did I start this blog by outing my secret, I just posted on Facebook that I had started a new blog. Yikes! So now everyone will really know. Oh well...to be in recovery you can't be afraid of who you are. It's amazing though, people are genuinely supportive when you're honest...I don't give them enough credit. Maybe that's why I never told anyone for so long...I was afraid of being judged. I've found throughout this entire process that people are not that different from you...everyone has some issue their dealing with. It's nice to know you're not really that alone afterall.

Work has been absolutely crazy for the last week. I was so fed up with everything yesterday, that I honestly wanted to quit. Now I love my job, and have been here for almost four years, and never once have I even toyed with the idea of quitting. But yesterday was just the worst day I've had in Lord knows how long. First of all, I work on salary plus commission, but I haven't gotten a commission check in four months! That means I've been living off of my salary alone, which isn't much after taxes are factored in. I know, I know...lots of people manage to survive just fine on their salary, but when you've grown accustomed to a certain way of life, it's culture shock when that's taken away. Second of all, my bosses seem to think I have nothing to do, so they keep giving me these projects to work on. That would be great and all if I really had nothing to do...but I do. I have enough work to keep me busy throughout the entire day. Now I'm not super slammed where I can barely keep my head above water, but if I pace myself I can stay busy all day until it's time to go home. But now that I have all of these other things to do, I am going to be so busy to the point that I can barely keep up. I consider myself a very good/hard worker, and I always do my best at whatever task is at hand, but considering everything else that's going on in my life, I would much rather do without all the added stress. I'm just worried that I am going to be so overwhelmed that the urges to practive my ED are going to come back ten-fold. I've really done my best to alleviate any unnecessary stressors in my life, and so far I've suceeded. Until now. I am trying to remain positive, and have been praying for the patience needed to push through this difficult time. This morning I woke up with a good attitude and felt ready to take on the day. It's amazing to me the power of prayer. Please pray with me that I will continue to have a positive attitude each and every day.

Today's affirmation: "I control my own attitude"

I have been so emotional lately...

I mean, I tear up at everything it seems...in fact I could probably start crying right now just writing this post. I think it all started when I had to meet face to face with my manager and explain to him why I have so many doctor's appointments. He's a friend of mine and we have the same mutual group of friends, so it was just awkward all around. And the fact that he wasn't very sensitive to what I was trying to explain to him made matters worse. In his defense though, he did email me later that day to let me know he would work really hard to try and be more sensitive/respectful. Progress. But nonetheless, I have begun to feel very embarrassed by me ED. I feel like people are watching my every move. What am I wearing that day? Do I look like I've gained or lost a couple of pounds? What am I eating? Those types of things. As a matter of fact, we had a baby shower at work last Friday, and of course there was food. Everyone was there, including the directors. Well I happened to be one of the first to grab a plate of food. When I walked by the managers and directors, I saw their eyes go from my face to my plate of food, then back to my face again. I wanted to crawl in the biggest hole and die. My face turned bright red, and my eyes filled with tears. My appetite went away instantaneously...I ended up waiting until noone was around to eat the little bit that I did. It was mortifying. Not such a big deal you might be thinking, but for someone with an ED, it can be the end of the world. Anyone who suffers from an ED will know exactly what I am referring to.

I also seem to be in a place right now where I am either not eating, or I'm eating whatever I want and not giving a crap about it. I can't seem to find the middle of the road when it comes to food. I can't tell a difference in my weight, and I absolutely refuse to weigh myself right now...all I know is that my clothes still fit. What stresses me out the most right now is the fact that bathing suit season is pretty much here already. I look back at pictures from last summer and I think I look awesome. My collar bone is protruding, my hip bones are prominent, and my thighs don't touch. Sick, I know...but it's my ideal shape. I know I can't look like that anymore and it makes me mad and sad at the same time. I wan't to scream at the top of my lungs "why can't I just be normal"!?! It's so frustrating. For the first month or two when I was fresh out of treatment, I felt like I was on top of the world...like I was invincible. I guess you could say I was in a little rehab "bubble". Well let's just say that bubble has finally burst and I am learning what it's like to be in the real world with an ED. There are so many challenges to face, and some come at you from nowhere. I sometimes forget what they taught me in treament, and I feel like a lost little puppy. This last week was especially bad.

It's Monday, again, and I'm trying to be optimistic that this will be a good week in terms of food/weight/body image. We'll see...

Today's affirmation: "My self-worth does not change whether I gain or lose a pound"