Yesterday was a very trying day for me...

my company had a "team building" activity for my department. We all got to leave work at 1:30, and head to a nearby park for the event. Once we got there, we divided into teams for a relay type obstacle course. Now keep in mind that it was right in the middle of the day in the blazing Texas heat...it was over 90 degrees. We were allowed to wear athletic attire since we would be running, etc. Of course I didn't want to wear my jeans because I knew I would be absolutely miserable...so I wore shorts. I hate wearing shorts. Not only do I not like wearing shorts around people I know, I definitely don't like wearing them around a bunch of people I don't. Now I know that I'm not overweight, fat, etc...but I was SO self concious the entire time. I felt like everybody was staring at me and judging me. I just knew that they were saying how ugly and fat my legs were and how unattractive they were. I just knew it. My mind was racing with these horrible, negative thoughts, and it just consumed me. So much so that I really didn't have a good time. All I could think about was getting out of there into the confines of my house...away from the judgement and ridicule. To make matters worse, they cooked hamburgers and hot dogs after the event, and of course I was starving. I hadn't eaten lunch since we left the office so early, and the food smelled so good. But again, my mind was racing and I just couldn't bring myself to eat in front of everyone. I literally froze. On one hand my stomach was telling me that I needed to eat...I wanted to eat. But on the other hand, my brain was telling me that people would judge me if I did eat. It was awful. So there I sat, hot, hungry and conflicted...watching other people enjoy themselves. It was all I could do not to go running in the other direction. I don't know why this is happening to me. Before treatment...before everyone knew my "secret"...I probably wouldn't have had a problem grabbing a plate and chowing down. But ever since people found out about ED, I just can't bring myself to do it. It frustrates me beyond belief! I know that I have to get over this fear...that in order to heal I must force myself to face these daunting challenges...challenges that are so mundane to the rest of the world. It's times like these that make me realize how overpowering ED really is. That no matter how far I've come in the recovery process, I still have a long way to go. It's eye opening.

When I got home I was even more starving, and I was really craving a hamburger. So I went to the grocery store and bought stuff to make my own burger. I invited my mom over for dinner and we both enjoyed a delicous, home cooked, meal. I feel safe eating in front of my family...I know they don't judge.

Each and every day I discover new challenges in my life. I am reminded that life with ED is never going to be easy. But now I know that I can take a step back from these challenges and work through them with a completely new mindset. It amazes me every time how much I have grown in the last few months. I feel empowered...but empowered in a new and good way.

Today's affirmation: "One step at a time. That is how I will get where I am going".