I have been so emotional lately...

I mean, I tear up at everything it seems...in fact I could probably start crying right now just writing this post. I think it all started when I had to meet face to face with my manager and explain to him why I have so many doctor's appointments. He's a friend of mine and we have the same mutual group of friends, so it was just awkward all around. And the fact that he wasn't very sensitive to what I was trying to explain to him made matters worse. In his defense though, he did email me later that day to let me know he would work really hard to try and be more sensitive/respectful. Progress. But nonetheless, I have begun to feel very embarrassed by me ED. I feel like people are watching my every move. What am I wearing that day? Do I look like I've gained or lost a couple of pounds? What am I eating? Those types of things. As a matter of fact, we had a baby shower at work last Friday, and of course there was food. Everyone was there, including the directors. Well I happened to be one of the first to grab a plate of food. When I walked by the managers and directors, I saw their eyes go from my face to my plate of food, then back to my face again. I wanted to crawl in the biggest hole and die. My face turned bright red, and my eyes filled with tears. My appetite went away instantaneously...I ended up waiting until noone was around to eat the little bit that I did. It was mortifying. Not such a big deal you might be thinking, but for someone with an ED, it can be the end of the world. Anyone who suffers from an ED will know exactly what I am referring to.

I also seem to be in a place right now where I am either not eating, or I'm eating whatever I want and not giving a crap about it. I can't seem to find the middle of the road when it comes to food. I can't tell a difference in my weight, and I absolutely refuse to weigh myself right now...all I know is that my clothes still fit. What stresses me out the most right now is the fact that bathing suit season is pretty much here already. I look back at pictures from last summer and I think I look awesome. My collar bone is protruding, my hip bones are prominent, and my thighs don't touch. Sick, I know...but it's my ideal shape. I know I can't look like that anymore and it makes me mad and sad at the same time. I wan't to scream at the top of my lungs "why can't I just be normal"!?! It's so frustrating. For the first month or two when I was fresh out of treatment, I felt like I was on top of the world...like I was invincible. I guess you could say I was in a little rehab "bubble". Well let's just say that bubble has finally burst and I am learning what it's like to be in the real world with an ED. There are so many challenges to face, and some come at you from nowhere. I sometimes forget what they taught me in treament, and I feel like a lost little puppy. This last week was especially bad.

It's Monday, again, and I'm trying to be optimistic that this will be a good week in terms of food/weight/body image. We'll see...

Today's affirmation: "My self-worth does not change whether I gain or lose a pound"