I just realized...

I forgot to post my decision regarding the surgery for my kidney stones. I've decided to go ahead and have it...in fact, the surgery is this Thursday. It's soon, I know! I talked it over with my family and my doctor, and ultimately the decision came down to what I thought would be best for me. It wasn't that hard of a decision, afterall, when I weighed the pros and cons. I can't afford (in the literal sense of the word) to miss a bunch of work when these stones do decide to pass, and honestly, I just don't want to deal with the hassle of it...the ER visits, the pain mediciation, and most of all the PAIN! The surgery isn't that big of a deal, or at least I thought so, until my doctor told me it would take three hours. What? I've had my tonsils out in less time than that! I mean it's not major open heart surgery, or anything like that, but I guess it's a little complicated just because of the way they have to get to the kidneys, etc. So please pray that the surgery will go well, and I'll have a smooth recovery.

It's funny because when I was in treatment, my treatment team talked about the "tools of recovery" all day long. They pretty much tried to brainwash us with them. Okay, so not really, but I swear, the answer to any question was "have you used your tools today"? Gag. I'm not one for that hokey pokey type nonsense, and believe me when I tell you that I fought with them for weeks about those damn tools. I didn't want to use their tools, and I definitely didn't need their tools...I was going to get in recovery my own way (are you starting to sense that I had a hard time adapting to their rules?). The #1 tool they pushed us to utilize was journaling. I can honestly say that I did not journal once the entire 9 weeks I was there. I just wasn't going to do it.

They also pushed other tools like peer phone calls, praying to your "Higher Power", deep breathing, etc. I really didn't have a hard time utilizing the other tools, because they didn't require much work. Sounds lazy, I know. Now that I look back on my time there, I really wish I had journaled more (okay, at all). I wish I could go back and read through those journal entries and see how far I've come...see the things that I was working through and what I still find that I need to work on even after treatment. I also have come to understand why I never journaled. Now this is going to sound crazy, but trust me when I say that it makes perfect sense in my head. I never journaled because I didn't think it would be perfect. I thought that I wouldn't be able to come up with the perfect words to put down on paper. And then I would have to look at this imperfect mess of a journal, and it would drive me crazy. Probably crazy to the point that I would have to tear out all the pages and start over. I know...it seems silly. But I have OCD and a severe case of perfectionism...almost to the point that it's crippling sometimes. It keeps me from wanting to do certain things in fear that I won't be good enough at it, or I'll start something and then obesess over it until it's perfect. I hate that about myself. So that's the main reason I started this blog...as my journal. This way, I can write down everything that's on my mind, but I can edit it as I go...haha. No really, this is helping me tremendously. Better late than never, right?

Today's affirmation: "I will not be intimidated"