While I was in treatment...

I came to the sad realization that I have few real friends. Sure, I have alot of people that I like to talk to and hang out with, but only a few people I can call true friends. It's sad. I used to think it was my fault that I had trouble making real connections with other people, and an even harder time keeping relationships...but I now know that it is my disease that is at fault. When you're keeping such a horrible secret, you spend the majority of your time making sure noone gets close enough to find out, so you become an expert at putting up walls to keep others out. I was the best at this. I can't even count the number of relationships that I ruined in the last fifteen years (maybe even longer). Actually, I can remember being in seventh grade and alienating some of my closest girlfriends. And that was the beginning of junior high when you're nervous, awkward, and just trying to find your way...I was super alone. I managed to make my way through the next 6 years with four very close girlfriends, only one of which I can still call my best friend. But then came college, and again, I managed to alienate all of my friends that I made my freshman year. Again, I came out of college with one very good girlfriend that I still remain in contact with (although our contact is few and far between these days).

I don't consider myself a jealous person, but I will be the first to admit that I am truly jealous of other people that have many real, longlasting realtionships with friends from their past. For instance, I follow a lot of other people's blogs, and I see and read about "girl's weekends" where they take a trip with their friends from college...or they get together as mommies now. They talk about how grateful they are for these girls and how their lives wouldn't be the same without them. I don't have that. And is makes me irrate to think how ED ruined another aspect of my life.

So this brings me to my current relationships (and I hope I don't offend anyone who may read this). While in treatment I realized that some of the people I call my "friends" are not such good friends afterall. There were only four people that called to check up on me the entire three months I was gone. I'm sorry, but three months is a long time to be MIA, and for only four people to call and ask how I was doing, is sad. And now that I'm back, there are only a couple of people that ask how I'm doing now. I don't want people to fawn all over me and ask me every two minutes if I'm okay, but every once in a while would be okay with me...just to show me they care. Afterall, that's what friends are for...right? That's another reason I started this blog...it's my way of talking things out (something I can't do with my friends). Not to sound desperate, but I sometimes long for the company of a good friend. Okay, enough...I'm done with that topic (for now at least).

On a positive note, I woke up in a really good mood today and am ready for whatever life throws at me today. So bring it on!!!

Today's affirmation: "Every broken friendship offers lessons to inspire better ones in the future"