Sweet Vivian

Please pray for this precious little girl, Vivian. I have known Vivian her entire life, and her family for over 17 years. This family is beyond amazing, and they hold a very special place in my heart. Sweet Vivian is dangerously ill and on a ventilator in the PICU. I won't go into any more details, as you can read about her here: http://www.weaselsjourney.com/
Please say a special prayer that God will heal this child and offer comfort and understanding for the family. I truly believe in the power of prayer and the plans that God has set in place for each and every one of us.

Brooke

I am so frustrated right now...

and need some unbiased advice. This could've waited until tomorrow morning to post, but if I don't blog about it now I may not be able to sleep tonight. As you know, Jeremy came back into my life, unexpectedly, about three weeks ago. Wait, make that a month ago. Man, where does the time go? We have been hanging out, going out on dates, talking on the phone every night, and texting each other during the day. Things are going great. It almost feels as though we never broke up in the first place...even though it's been over two years since we last dated. We both decided that, even though it feels natural to pick things up where we left off, to take things slow and start off by getting to know each other again. He just got out of a relationship (with a horrible human being by the way), and I am obviously going through my own healing process.

Because I was upfront and honest with him from the beginning about ED, he has been open and honest with me about things in his life. It's really been great...until recently. There is one issue that he has brought up on numerous occasions (tonight being one of them), that I cannot seem to wrap my head around. He does not want kids. At all. Go ahead...gasp or say "wow" because I sure did the first time it was brought up. I have always wanted to be a mommy from the time I was a little girl. I imagined having three kids, a couple of pets, and a husband that shared my love for both of the above. But he doesn't want that. At first I thought he was just being a smart ass...trying to be macho or whatever. I thought to myself...'if I happen to be the "One", and we get married, he'll change his mind'. But the more it gets brought up, the more I am beginning to realize he is dead serious. He does not want kids. I don't know what to do about this. On the one hand, this is the best thing that has happened to me in oh so long...and I don't want to end it after only four weeks because of something that he might change his mind about later on down the road. But on the other hand, if he never changes his mind, I might waste precious time with someone who doesn't share my same ideals. My head is spinning. I mean, should I really be concerned at this stage in the relationship? Should I give it more time, so we can get to know each other better and then make a decision? Should I get out now?

Tonight after I asked him if he was dead serious about the "no kids" thing...I wanted to purge so badly. I wanted to punish myself, even though I had done nothing wrong. ED was telling me that I would feel better if I threw up my dinner. I vehemently told ED to go where the sun don't shine, so yay for me. But I am still super upset over this. I honestly don't know what I should do.

I am open for suggestions, so please leave a comment.

And no affirmation right now...I am too grumpy.

Skinny Jeans

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love clothes and have quite a collection hanging in my closet. It's funny though, even with all the variety I have, I tend to wear the same things over and over again. One of the things I love the most (besides tank tops...I must own close to 50 or so) are jeans. Seven For All Mankind, Joes Jeans, Express, Lucky Brand, etc...you name it, and I love them. Before treatment, I could fit into all of them. In fact, most days they were too big and would almost fall off of me. I loved this. It was like a big accomplishment to me. Big jeans = skinny Brooke. If ever they started to feel "snug", just meant that I wasn't skinny enough and needed to lose a few pounds. I would literally throw a fit if this happened...throwing the jeans on the floor like a two year-old...jumping up and down...cursing at myself for being so "fat". It was pretty immature to be honest. In a way, I measured my self-worth by how I looked in my jeans.

During treatment we talked about how most people with EDs own a collection of "skinny clothes"...clothes that were obviously not our size...clothes that we desperately tried to fit into (by means unnecessary). We talked about how we needed to get rid of these skinny clothes because we were getting healthy (aka gaining weight), and keeping them would only keep us sick. They compared this to an alcoholic. Why would someone, who's trying to get sober, keep a stash of alcohol in the house? Why would they tempt themselves like this? It's pure insanity. Skinny clothes are the same way for people with an ED. It's just a daily reminder of the way we used to be...the way we want to still be. The treatment team suggested we all bring our skinny clothes (most of which were jeans for everyone) and have a burning party. Gasp! I just couldn't even fathom burning my most prized posessions! First of all, I wasn't ready to let go of them...and second of all, that is just such a waste of money. Okay, so the money part is not really a huge deal. I mean, it's just fabric afterall...easily replaceable. What it really boiled down to was not wanting to let go of those clothes.

After I was released from treatment (I had gained a good, healthy ten pounds) I did go through my closet and weed out some of the things that were just not appropriate for my new body anymore. Clothes that I used to wear that made me feel proud of how skinny I was. You can ask my mom and sister...I got rid of alot of stuff! But...the skinny jeans stayed. I just could not bring myself to part with them...and still haven't to this day (four months later). I hadn't even tried any of them on, because I knew that would lead to one of my two year-old tantrums. Hadn't tried any of them on until this morning. I don't know what came over me while I was getting ready for work. I think I thought that maybe...just maybe...I would be able to fit into them because I haven't really been eating that much over the last few weeks. Boy was I wrong! Each pair I tried on was so tight...so uncomfortable...so not my size anymore. I can't tell you the rage that overtook my body this morning...the feelings of disgust, hatred, and frustration towards my body. I was livid. So, I ended up putting on the only pair of jeans that fit me right now. The same jeans I wear every day. No, they're not the cutest, most fashionable pair, but they're comfortable. And, to top it off, they're a little too big on me (mostly because they're stretched out from wearing them so much). People are probably wondering if I even own another pair of jeans. But at this point I really don't care what other people think. I do need to confess, however, that some of the jeans I own do "fit" me...they're just not big like I like them. And in my sick mind, if they're not too big, then they're too small. I could probably wear half of the pairs I own, and look just fine...but I can't stand for anything to squeeze me even just a little bit. If I am wearing something that is squeezing me, then I will be miserable all...day...long. I will obsess about it so much that I won't be able to focus on anything else. It's sad.

I know what you're thinking (so mom and Alexis, you don't have to say a word)...I need to get rid of these awful articles of clothing that make me want to starve myself. But I am just not ready yet. They said in treatment that it may take some time...that one day we will be ready to part with our "sick clothes". I know they're right...I am just not there yet. So for now, they will sit in my closet...tucked away and out of sight...until I am healthy enough to donate them (or possibly burn them). Recovery is not easy...it is a lifelong battle.

Today's affirmation: "If I expect recovery to be easy, I will become frustrated. The easy stuff doesn't teach us much...what is difficult and challenging enhances my growth".

Favorite Quotes

Since it's Friday and rainy, I'm feeling kind of lazy...so I don't have much to blog about. I thought I'd share some of my favorite quotes with you. It always amazes me the power of words...to lift you up when you're feeling down...empower you when you feel powerless...to give you hope when you're feeling hopeless. Hope you enjoy these words like I do.

"Be who you are...say what you feel...those who mind don't matter...and those who matter don't mind" -Dr. Suess

"May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be"

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you've always imagined"

"You have to laugh at yourself, because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't" -Indigo Girls

"Work like you don't need the money...dance like noone's watching...love like you've never been hurt"

"Life is a journey, not a destination"

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly"

"I suffer from CDO. It's like OCD...but in alphabetical order, the way it should be"

Happy Friday everyone!!

Tools for the Journey

In treatment, we were given a booklet that was titled "Tools for the Journey". Inside, it talks about each step in our journey to recovery. There were four steps, or phases: The Castle, The Labyrinth, The Forest, and The Bridge. Everyone starts off in the Castle. Think of it this way...each person is like a prisoner trapped inside the castle trying to escape...in other words, we are being held prisoner by our eating disorders. In order to escape the castle, you had to first admit you had a problem and begin to identify yourself as an addict (yes, people with eating disorders are addicts just like alcoholics, except our drug of choice is food...hence the quotation at the top of my blog adapted from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous). There were also certain things you needed to accomplish during treatment in order to move from the castle to the labyrinth. For instance, you had to be syptom free for three consecutive days. You couldn't chew gum (something people with EDs often do to stave off hunger)...you coudln't shake your legs during process group (another thing we often do to burn calories, although I never had a problem with that)...and you had to use three recovery tools each day, such as peer phone calls, journaling, or using your "Higher Power". Now we all know how stubborn I am, and as I mentioned in an earlier post, I had a hard time utilizing my "tools". So after about two weeks, I managed to move to the next phase in the journey. However, I had a slight relapse after that which put me right back in the damn castle (they don't mess around in treatment).

The reason I am referencing the Journey in this post is because I feel like I have reverted back to the castle and am stuck there, screaming to get out. These past two or three weeks have just been awful. I mentioned earlier that I had a small setback a couple of weeks ago, and since then I haven't been able to get back on track. I have gone from wanting to binge and purge all the time, to not wanting to eat at all. I am so frustrated right now. I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday, and of course they weighed me (damn scale)! I did my best to try and look away from the numbers, but then the nurse said out loud, "well you weigh xxx pounds. Damnit! I haven't weight myself in weeks, and was perfectly fine not knowing my weight, and then she had to ruin it for me. But in her defense, I could have easily asked her not to tell me how much I weighed. So, needless to say, I am fixated on that number...thinking I am as heavy as a whale...and I can't get it out of my head. Sigh.

I don't think I have completely relapsed (and hopefully will not), but I definitely feel like I have taken four major steps backwards. I worked so hard in treatment that I don't want to ruin it all now. So for now, I am sitting in the window at the top of the castle looking down at the labyrinth, wanting to be there so desperately.

Today's affirmation: "If I let myself down by slipping back into old habits, I can gently correct my course without feeling that I have failed".

This could explain so much...

My friend sent me this article yesterday, and I thought it was pretty interesting.
http://www.aolhealth.com/2010/06/16/study-human-brain-naturally-distorts-body-image

It is so true that people with EDs see their bodies so much differently than the rest of the world. People tell me all the time, "you're so tiny". But when I look in the mirror, I do not see a tiny person...I see a large, unattractive person. Even when I see pictures of myself, I still see the same thing. It's odd though...I can look at other girls and think they are beautiful...regardless of their size. I just wish that I could see the same beauty in my own reflection.

Read the article, and let me know your thoughts.

Today's affirmation: "I will not be hard on myself today".

Just because I am having an especially hard day today...

I thought I'd post some extra affirmations.

" The shape of my body does not change who I am"

"I have the courage to eat today"

"Eating regularly helps my mind and body to function normally"

" I deserve to feel good about my body"

"I invite into my life people who support and nurture me"

"I give myself premission to ask for comfort and support"

"I am supported and loved by unseen friends and mentors"

"I am thankful for what I have"

"I have the courage to live in the moment"

"I live in the present"

"I take one thing at a time"

"I am feminine in the finest sense of the word"

"I am worthwile and capable even though I make mistakes"

I need some major support right now...

They told us in treatment that it's not uncommon for someone with an ED to switch the type of disease they have. So someone who is anorexic, and is forced to eat massive amounts of food in treatment, might become bulimic in order to control their food intake...and vice versa. I always said that there was no way I could ever become anorexic because, well let's face it,  I love food too much. But lately it seems like I am slipping into those types of anorexic behaviors. Last week was such a mess for me at work...I couldn't focus on anything to save my life. I was forgetful, distracted, and extremely restless during the day. It was so bad that my boss, and one of my good friends asked me what was wrong. I was diagnosed with adult onset ADD about two years ago, and began taking medicine to help me get through the day (prescribed by my psychiatrist by the way). What a difference it made! Within a few days I was focused, proactive, and my productivity at work increased tenfold. It really was a night and day difference. But when I entered treatment at Presby, they changed all of my medications, and one of the ones they took away was my ADD medicine. The type of drug I was taking was a stimulant...pretty much like taking pure speed. It was also an appetite suppressant...obviously something that I didn't need while they were trying to re-feed my body. At first, I didn't really notice that much of a difference not being on the medicine. Of course I was eating six meals a day and drinking plenty of fluids to stay hydrated. My body was functioning on a level that it hadn't in years...I felt great. But once I got back into the real world, I slowly fell off my meal plan...stopped drinking as much water and milk...and ultimately started to feel lethargic once again. To make a long story short, my ADD came back. So last Monday I decided to take one of my pills (I still have almost a whole prescription left). I immediately felt the stimulation and was able to get so much accomplished last week at awork...it was great. But needless to say, my appetite diminished completely. I think I may have eaten three whole meals the entire week. I snacked on stuff here and there throughout the day...but just couldn't bring myself to eat a whole meal. It's funny when you have an ED. It only takes one day of not eating...feeling the effects of your flat stomach...the elation you feel when you put on your clothes and they are a little bit bigger than the day before...and just the sense of power you get from not eating to fall right back into old habits. I went to a pool party yesterday, and felt so confident in my bikini because my stomach was as flat as a board. I almost felt high. It's so sick, I know...but it just goes to show you how baffling and cunning this disease really is.

So here it is, Sunday around 5:00 and I haven't eaten one single thing all day. I just cannot bring myself to put anything in my mouth. I don't want to feel full, and I definitely don't want to regain the few pounds I have lost this last week. But at the same time I'm scared...scared of what is happening to me right now. I don't want to fall back into old habits, and I definitely don't want to relapse completely and end up back in treatment. I'm not sure what kind of support I need right now. I don't want people asking me every two minutes, "so what have you eaten today"..."how many times have you eaten today, Brooke". That will drive me nuts, and I may just deck someone in the face (okay, not really), but I will become super defensive. So I'm not sure what I'm asking for here...I just know that something has to change, and quick. Most of all, I just needed to be honest about what is going on, because if there's one, and one thing only, that I took away from treatment it's that our secrets keep us sick.

Today's affirmation: "I ask for help when I need it".

Even skinny girls have cellulite!!

I know what you're thinking...'how mean is that', right? But it's the truth! Even itty bitty skinny girls have cellulite! I was in Starbucks the other day, and this really tiny girl came in wearing workout attire, and her shorts (or lack there of) were super short. Not that I was checking her out or anything, but I was studying her (like I do most of the time when I see a really skinny girl). She seemed to have this perfect little body...but when she turned around, you could see cellulite on the backs of her thighs. And the best part is...that she didn't seem ashamed of it at all. I was in awe...and I kept looking at her (without trying to be too obvious) because I just couldn't believe that even she wasn't perfect.

Furthermore, we went to the river this weekend, and yes, I got in my bathing suit in front of the 10 guys in our group (plus the 100 or so other people at the river). It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be (shocker, I know). The couple of days before the trip, I did a lot of self-talk, telling myself that everything was going to be okay and that I just needed to own my body. Of course, I was still nervous as hell, and was dreading it like the plague...but I did it...and I OWNED it! And you know what? I had an absolute blast. Once I got past the initial awkwardness, and relaxed a little (maybe the couple of beers I had had something to do with it too), I was actually able to have a really good time and truly enjoy myself. I have this bad habit of comparing myself to others, and thinking that everyone else looks ten times better than I do on any given day...but this is the conclusion that I've come to: noone is perfect. Of course I know that subconciously, but conciously ED tells me that I'm wrong, and I'm the only one with flaws. But after seeing everyone in their bathing suits this weekend, and after seeing that girl in Starbucks, I can say that I feel a little bit better about my own body. We are all different...height, weight, etc...and we all are all beautiful in our own unique way. This is huge for me! I'm really looking forward to the rest of the summer...pool parties, the lake, etc...because I feel that I will be able to really have fun and not be so consumed with the negative thoughts that ED tries to put in my head. So take that ED. Brooke = 1...ED = 0!

Today's affirmation: "I am grateful for who I am".

I've finally decided that...

ice cream is my #1 trigger food. I absolutely hate to post this because I know it is going to upset/worry some people...but I had a slight setback last night. Actually, I have had a couple in the last week or so. I know what is causing it...it's the whole summer/bathing suit thing. I am leaving for the river in three days, and I am so worried about the whole thing. Those of you that  know me, know that I absolutley love Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I know it's hard for me to just eat a little bit, but yet I still insist on buying it. In fact, I've even told my psychiatrist this, and he advised me not to buy it at all. Yet I do. I went to the store yesterday and bought two pints. I woke up in the middle of the night hungry (which seems to be a pattern of late), and ate an entire pint. It's strange because I only intended to eat a few bites, which I have done on so many other occasions with no problem, but last night I couldn't stop. One minute I am enjoying the taste of the chocolate, and the next I am inhaling it like there's no tomorrow. The whole situation changed in a matter of seconds. That's typically the way it works on a binge...it's like going from 0 to 90 in no time. The whole time I kept thinking to myself, 'you need to stop now...you need to stop now'...but I was also thinking 'why stop now when you've already consumed too many calories and you know you need to get rid of it'. In my mind, there was no turning back. Once I was finished, I felt so much guilt and shame that I had a really hard time falling back asleep. This morning my stomach hurts as well as my throat. I am so mad at myself.

I don't want anyone to think that I have relapsed, because that is not what this means. In treatment, and in my weekly support group meetings, they say that setbacks are pretty normal. They also say that it does not mean we have fallen off the path of recovery...we've only taken a small step backwards. I am confident of this. I do not feel that I am going back to my old ways by any means. I just faltered a little bit and now I just need to focus on what I learned in treatment. I know what to do...I know how to get back on track. The most important thing, is that I definitely don't need to buy any ice cream for a while. Sorry Ben, sorry Jerry...I need to take a hiatus from your luciously delicous concoctions. They're just not good for me right now.

Today's affirmation: "I will resist anything that takes me off the chosen path of recovery".

For the first time in months...

I have plans this weekend! Ever since treatment, I have been holing up in my house taking it easy. I've had offers to do things now and then, but really haven't had the energy or motivation to take them up. But Jeremy asked me to watch a movie tonight, and then tomorrow night we have those dinner plans. Not only do I have plans tonight, but two nights in a row. Amazing. Scratch that...I have plans next weekend too! It's my friend Dusty's birthday and his wife, Allison, has rented a house on the river in New Braunfels. There's a large group of us going, so it should be a really good time. I'm actually really excited about it. It's nice to be social again...one can only be a hermit for so long.

There's something about the summer. Maybe it's the long days...when you get out of work at 5:00 and there's still four hours of daylight left. Or maybe it's the hot weather...it makes people want to be outdoors more. It could be that there are so many more things going on in the summer...pool parties, baseball games, three major holidays, etc. I LOVE summertime! The only part that I dread about the summertime is being in a bathing suit. I can't remember the last time I have felt 100% comfortable in one. But it's odd...for someone who hates being in a bathing suit so much...I own more than 15 suits. Go figure. Although I'm really excited about next weekend at the river, I am terrified of putting my new body in a suit. I went to Target today to look at their selection, and I found one that I really liked. But I am so self-concious right now that I picked a pair of bottoms that were two sizes too big for me...just because I didn't want there to be any pinching or squeezing in unnecessary places. I got to the counter and realized how stupid that was, so I decided not to get it. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to wear that weekend...I feel like I won't look good in anything. I've also been super wary of what I've been eating all week. ED wanted me to cut out carbs completely and only eat fruits and vegetables because they are made mostly of water. Well that lasted all of two days until I caved and ate a banana muffin this morning. Ed keeps telling me that I am as large as a whale, and people will laugh at me. I know this is not true...but I just can't help it. It's so frustrating! My treatment team said that positive body image is always the last thing to come, and sometimes it can take years to develop. Well at this rate I'll be 40 by the time that happens.

Today's affirmation: "I am beautiful regardless of my size".

Last night was great...

Jeremy showed up at my house with a bottle of wine and an orchid for me. He said he wanted to get me a plant that wouldn't die in the next couple of days, and the lady at the store said orchids were great house plants. It's absolutely beautiful. I've always loved orchids, but have never bought one because I was afraid I would kill it. I'm a little nervous about taking care of it because I tend to be a plant killer. So we'll see if I can keep this little guy alive for at least a week or two.

I was really nervous before he showed up, mainly because I haven't seen him in so long and I felt like I was going to need to impress him all over again. Silly, I know since he's the one that called me. But nonetheless I was worried that I didn't look good...and I felt insecure since I have put on a little bit of weight since we last saw each other. I must have changed clothes three or four times. I finally decided on a pair of grey pajama-like pants and a t-shirt because they were the least revealing and I knew I would be comfortable. He showed up in a suit (he had just come from work). Needless to say, I was just a bit underdressed. The whole night I kept thinking that he was looking at me and thinking 'wow, she's really gotten big since we dated'. I haven't, and I know that, but ED was in the back of my mind voicing his opinion loud and clear. I wanted to scream.

We talked for a couple of hours over a bottle of wine, and it was almost as if we had just met. Then we ate dinner (Mi Cocina...yum), and talked a little while longer. I finally couldn't stand it anymore and I just flat out asked him 'why are you here...why did you call me'. I know it was blunt, but I just had to know, and I felt like those questions were hanging in the air all night. He said that he has missed me and has thought about me alot over the last 18 months. He said that he wants to be in a relationship where someone compliments him and he them. That sounded great and all, but I was still a little resistant. I asked him what has changed since we dated, and how he feels he is different. His explanation was pretty legit, and I really felt like he was being sincere...but I'm still a little wary. It's weird...I honestly thought I would feel this overwhelming rush of emotion...like I would fall in love with him all over again. But I didn't. That's not to say that I didn't feel anything, but it just wasn't what I was expecting. I guess because I'm still not sure this is a good idea...I'm not sure if I have anything to offer him at this point in my life. I'm just overwhelmed with all these thoughts and feelings, and I'm not sure how to sort them out yet. But we have dinner plans on Saturday, so we'll see how that goes. I will say that he looked really good, and it didn't take long for me to remember how cute he was. So I'll keep you updated on everything and let you know how dinner goes this weekend.

Today's affirmation: "I am naturally beautiful when I am myself".

I am happy to report...

that I am currently kidney stone-free! Yep, that's right...I have zero stones right now. Friday I had my second surgery on my left kidney, and they were able to grab all the stones in there. They left a stent in there to prevent any swelling and/or infection, and as of yesterday that is gone as well. I am feeling great! It has been a few months since I have felt good, so I am really eating it up. Makes me realize we should never take our health for granted.

On a side note, something interesting happened the other day. I got a text from a guy I dated almost two years ago. Now I haven't talked to this guy since we broke up, and let's just say that as soon as he told me he wanted to put his career first above me and everything else, things didn't end too well. In the text he apologizes for being such a lousy human being and for treating me the way he did. Okay, so maybe he doesn't really say the lousy human being part, but he basically says that he was a jerk and he's sorry. He also says that he thinks about me often and would like to take me to dinner. What?! I mean, it's been two years...isn't our entire relationship just water under the bridge at this point? My initial reaction was that of shock and awe...I literally just stared at the text for about 15 minutes. But then after I read, re-read, and RE-READ the text, I decided 'why not'...I'll let him take me to dinner. Can't hurt anything, right? We decided that Saturday would be best for dinner, and that we would talk later in the week to decide where, etc. Yesterday, I get another text from him asking if he could bring me dinner tonight. What? Saturday is only a few days away...can he not wait to see me? I decided that he must not be able to wait, and is desperate to see me. Okay, so again I am being melodramatic, but it makes for a more interesting story. Anyway, again I say yes, so we now have dinner plans tonight and Saturday. How do two people go from not talking at all, to having two dinner dates in one week?

Now normally all of this would be super exciting and dramatic for me, but ever since treatment I have been so focused on myself, that I haven't even given dating a second thought. My treatment team strongly suggests not dating for an entire year after entering recovery. At first I thought that was ridiculous (along with most of the other stuff they told me in there), but now that I think about it, it actually makes pretty good sense. I'm not sure how strict they are on the whole "one year" thing, but I think the idea is that you not date for a while so you can focus on your recovery first, before adding in any unnecessary stressors back into your life.

Now I know what you're thinking..."it's just dinner, not a marriage proposal"! Yeah you're right, but to me it's a big deal because this will be my first date since leaving treatment and entering recovery. I just keep wondering why this is happening now. Is this a good thing?  Should I be excited, nervous, or indifferent about the whole thing? My mind is racing with thoughts, and I've found myself getting all worked up over nothing. It's the nature of the disease. But once I remember my main focus right now...recovery...my world comes back into focus. All I really need to know, is that God has a plan for me, and this date is part of his plan. There is a good reason Jeremy has entered back into my life at this point in my recovery process. I can't wait to find out why though.

Today's affirmation: "I will not feel guilty for caring for myself".