For the first time in months...

I have plans this weekend! Ever since treatment, I have been holing up in my house taking it easy. I've had offers to do things now and then, but really haven't had the energy or motivation to take them up. But Jeremy asked me to watch a movie tonight, and then tomorrow night we have those dinner plans. Not only do I have plans tonight, but two nights in a row. Amazing. Scratch that...I have plans next weekend too! It's my friend Dusty's birthday and his wife, Allison, has rented a house on the river in New Braunfels. There's a large group of us going, so it should be a really good time. I'm actually really excited about it. It's nice to be social again...one can only be a hermit for so long.

There's something about the summer. Maybe it's the long days...when you get out of work at 5:00 and there's still four hours of daylight left. Or maybe it's the hot weather...it makes people want to be outdoors more. It could be that there are so many more things going on in the summer...pool parties, baseball games, three major holidays, etc. I LOVE summertime! The only part that I dread about the summertime is being in a bathing suit. I can't remember the last time I have felt 100% comfortable in one. But it's odd...for someone who hates being in a bathing suit so much...I own more than 15 suits. Go figure. Although I'm really excited about next weekend at the river, I am terrified of putting my new body in a suit. I went to Target today to look at their selection, and I found one that I really liked. But I am so self-concious right now that I picked a pair of bottoms that were two sizes too big for me...just because I didn't want there to be any pinching or squeezing in unnecessary places. I got to the counter and realized how stupid that was, so I decided not to get it. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to wear that weekend...I feel like I won't look good in anything. I've also been super wary of what I've been eating all week. ED wanted me to cut out carbs completely and only eat fruits and vegetables because they are made mostly of water. Well that lasted all of two days until I caved and ate a banana muffin this morning. Ed keeps telling me that I am as large as a whale, and people will laugh at me. I know this is not true...but I just can't help it. It's so frustrating! My treatment team said that positive body image is always the last thing to come, and sometimes it can take years to develop. Well at this rate I'll be 40 by the time that happens.

Today's affirmation: "I am beautiful regardless of my size".