Skinny Jeans

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love clothes and have quite a collection hanging in my closet. It's funny though, even with all the variety I have, I tend to wear the same things over and over again. One of the things I love the most (besides tank tops...I must own close to 50 or so) are jeans. Seven For All Mankind, Joes Jeans, Express, Lucky Brand, etc...you name it, and I love them. Before treatment, I could fit into all of them. In fact, most days they were too big and would almost fall off of me. I loved this. It was like a big accomplishment to me. Big jeans = skinny Brooke. If ever they started to feel "snug", just meant that I wasn't skinny enough and needed to lose a few pounds. I would literally throw a fit if this happened...throwing the jeans on the floor like a two year-old...jumping up and down...cursing at myself for being so "fat". It was pretty immature to be honest. In a way, I measured my self-worth by how I looked in my jeans.

During treatment we talked about how most people with EDs own a collection of "skinny clothes"...clothes that were obviously not our size...clothes that we desperately tried to fit into (by means unnecessary). We talked about how we needed to get rid of these skinny clothes because we were getting healthy (aka gaining weight), and keeping them would only keep us sick. They compared this to an alcoholic. Why would someone, who's trying to get sober, keep a stash of alcohol in the house? Why would they tempt themselves like this? It's pure insanity. Skinny clothes are the same way for people with an ED. It's just a daily reminder of the way we used to be...the way we want to still be. The treatment team suggested we all bring our skinny clothes (most of which were jeans for everyone) and have a burning party. Gasp! I just couldn't even fathom burning my most prized posessions! First of all, I wasn't ready to let go of them...and second of all, that is just such a waste of money. Okay, so the money part is not really a huge deal. I mean, it's just fabric afterall...easily replaceable. What it really boiled down to was not wanting to let go of those clothes.

After I was released from treatment (I had gained a good, healthy ten pounds) I did go through my closet and weed out some of the things that were just not appropriate for my new body anymore. Clothes that I used to wear that made me feel proud of how skinny I was. You can ask my mom and sister...I got rid of alot of stuff! But...the skinny jeans stayed. I just could not bring myself to part with them...and still haven't to this day (four months later). I hadn't even tried any of them on, because I knew that would lead to one of my two year-old tantrums. Hadn't tried any of them on until this morning. I don't know what came over me while I was getting ready for work. I think I thought that maybe...just maybe...I would be able to fit into them because I haven't really been eating that much over the last few weeks. Boy was I wrong! Each pair I tried on was so tight...so uncomfortable...so not my size anymore. I can't tell you the rage that overtook my body this morning...the feelings of disgust, hatred, and frustration towards my body. I was livid. So, I ended up putting on the only pair of jeans that fit me right now. The same jeans I wear every day. No, they're not the cutest, most fashionable pair, but they're comfortable. And, to top it off, they're a little too big on me (mostly because they're stretched out from wearing them so much). People are probably wondering if I even own another pair of jeans. But at this point I really don't care what other people think. I do need to confess, however, that some of the jeans I own do "fit" me...they're just not big like I like them. And in my sick mind, if they're not too big, then they're too small. I could probably wear half of the pairs I own, and look just fine...but I can't stand for anything to squeeze me even just a little bit. If I am wearing something that is squeezing me, then I will be miserable all...day...long. I will obsess about it so much that I won't be able to focus on anything else. It's sad.

I know what you're thinking (so mom and Alexis, you don't have to say a word)...I need to get rid of these awful articles of clothing that make me want to starve myself. But I am just not ready yet. They said in treatment that it may take some time...that one day we will be ready to part with our "sick clothes". I know they're right...I am just not there yet. So for now, they will sit in my closet...tucked away and out of sight...until I am healthy enough to donate them (or possibly burn them). Recovery is not easy...it is a lifelong battle.

Today's affirmation: "If I expect recovery to be easy, I will become frustrated. The easy stuff doesn't teach us much...what is difficult and challenging enhances my growth".