I've finally decided that...

ice cream is my #1 trigger food. I absolutely hate to post this because I know it is going to upset/worry some people...but I had a slight setback last night. Actually, I have had a couple in the last week or so. I know what is causing it...it's the whole summer/bathing suit thing. I am leaving for the river in three days, and I am so worried about the whole thing. Those of you that  know me, know that I absolutley love Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I know it's hard for me to just eat a little bit, but yet I still insist on buying it. In fact, I've even told my psychiatrist this, and he advised me not to buy it at all. Yet I do. I went to the store yesterday and bought two pints. I woke up in the middle of the night hungry (which seems to be a pattern of late), and ate an entire pint. It's strange because I only intended to eat a few bites, which I have done on so many other occasions with no problem, but last night I couldn't stop. One minute I am enjoying the taste of the chocolate, and the next I am inhaling it like there's no tomorrow. The whole situation changed in a matter of seconds. That's typically the way it works on a binge...it's like going from 0 to 90 in no time. The whole time I kept thinking to myself, 'you need to stop now...you need to stop now'...but I was also thinking 'why stop now when you've already consumed too many calories and you know you need to get rid of it'. In my mind, there was no turning back. Once I was finished, I felt so much guilt and shame that I had a really hard time falling back asleep. This morning my stomach hurts as well as my throat. I am so mad at myself.

I don't want anyone to think that I have relapsed, because that is not what this means. In treatment, and in my weekly support group meetings, they say that setbacks are pretty normal. They also say that it does not mean we have fallen off the path of recovery...we've only taken a small step backwards. I am confident of this. I do not feel that I am going back to my old ways by any means. I just faltered a little bit and now I just need to focus on what I learned in treatment. I know what to do...I know how to get back on track. The most important thing, is that I definitely don't need to buy any ice cream for a while. Sorry Ben, sorry Jerry...I need to take a hiatus from your luciously delicous concoctions. They're just not good for me right now.

Today's affirmation: "I will resist anything that takes me off the chosen path of recovery".