I need some major support right now...

They told us in treatment that it's not uncommon for someone with an ED to switch the type of disease they have. So someone who is anorexic, and is forced to eat massive amounts of food in treatment, might become bulimic in order to control their food intake...and vice versa. I always said that there was no way I could ever become anorexic because, well let's face it,  I love food too much. But lately it seems like I am slipping into those types of anorexic behaviors. Last week was such a mess for me at work...I couldn't focus on anything to save my life. I was forgetful, distracted, and extremely restless during the day. It was so bad that my boss, and one of my good friends asked me what was wrong. I was diagnosed with adult onset ADD about two years ago, and began taking medicine to help me get through the day (prescribed by my psychiatrist by the way). What a difference it made! Within a few days I was focused, proactive, and my productivity at work increased tenfold. It really was a night and day difference. But when I entered treatment at Presby, they changed all of my medications, and one of the ones they took away was my ADD medicine. The type of drug I was taking was a stimulant...pretty much like taking pure speed. It was also an appetite suppressant...obviously something that I didn't need while they were trying to re-feed my body. At first, I didn't really notice that much of a difference not being on the medicine. Of course I was eating six meals a day and drinking plenty of fluids to stay hydrated. My body was functioning on a level that it hadn't in years...I felt great. But once I got back into the real world, I slowly fell off my meal plan...stopped drinking as much water and milk...and ultimately started to feel lethargic once again. To make a long story short, my ADD came back. So last Monday I decided to take one of my pills (I still have almost a whole prescription left). I immediately felt the stimulation and was able to get so much accomplished last week at awork...it was great. But needless to say, my appetite diminished completely. I think I may have eaten three whole meals the entire week. I snacked on stuff here and there throughout the day...but just couldn't bring myself to eat a whole meal. It's funny when you have an ED. It only takes one day of not eating...feeling the effects of your flat stomach...the elation you feel when you put on your clothes and they are a little bit bigger than the day before...and just the sense of power you get from not eating to fall right back into old habits. I went to a pool party yesterday, and felt so confident in my bikini because my stomach was as flat as a board. I almost felt high. It's so sick, I know...but it just goes to show you how baffling and cunning this disease really is.

So here it is, Sunday around 5:00 and I haven't eaten one single thing all day. I just cannot bring myself to put anything in my mouth. I don't want to feel full, and I definitely don't want to regain the few pounds I have lost this last week. But at the same time I'm scared...scared of what is happening to me right now. I don't want to fall back into old habits, and I definitely don't want to relapse completely and end up back in treatment. I'm not sure what kind of support I need right now. I don't want people asking me every two minutes, "so what have you eaten today"..."how many times have you eaten today, Brooke". That will drive me nuts, and I may just deck someone in the face (okay, not really), but I will become super defensive. So I'm not sure what I'm asking for here...I just know that something has to change, and quick. Most of all, I just needed to be honest about what is going on, because if there's one, and one thing only, that I took away from treatment it's that our secrets keep us sick.

Today's affirmation: "I ask for help when I need it".