Tools for the Journey

In treatment, we were given a booklet that was titled "Tools for the Journey". Inside, it talks about each step in our journey to recovery. There were four steps, or phases: The Castle, The Labyrinth, The Forest, and The Bridge. Everyone starts off in the Castle. Think of it this way...each person is like a prisoner trapped inside the castle trying to escape...in other words, we are being held prisoner by our eating disorders. In order to escape the castle, you had to first admit you had a problem and begin to identify yourself as an addict (yes, people with eating disorders are addicts just like alcoholics, except our drug of choice is food...hence the quotation at the top of my blog adapted from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous). There were also certain things you needed to accomplish during treatment in order to move from the castle to the labyrinth. For instance, you had to be syptom free for three consecutive days. You couldn't chew gum (something people with EDs often do to stave off hunger)...you coudln't shake your legs during process group (another thing we often do to burn calories, although I never had a problem with that)...and you had to use three recovery tools each day, such as peer phone calls, journaling, or using your "Higher Power". Now we all know how stubborn I am, and as I mentioned in an earlier post, I had a hard time utilizing my "tools". So after about two weeks, I managed to move to the next phase in the journey. However, I had a slight relapse after that which put me right back in the damn castle (they don't mess around in treatment).

The reason I am referencing the Journey in this post is because I feel like I have reverted back to the castle and am stuck there, screaming to get out. These past two or three weeks have just been awful. I mentioned earlier that I had a small setback a couple of weeks ago, and since then I haven't been able to get back on track. I have gone from wanting to binge and purge all the time, to not wanting to eat at all. I am so frustrated right now. I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday, and of course they weighed me (damn scale)! I did my best to try and look away from the numbers, but then the nurse said out loud, "well you weigh xxx pounds. Damnit! I haven't weight myself in weeks, and was perfectly fine not knowing my weight, and then she had to ruin it for me. But in her defense, I could have easily asked her not to tell me how much I weighed. So, needless to say, I am fixated on that number...thinking I am as heavy as a whale...and I can't get it out of my head. Sigh.

I don't think I have completely relapsed (and hopefully will not), but I definitely feel like I have taken four major steps backwards. I worked so hard in treatment that I don't want to ruin it all now. So for now, I am sitting in the window at the top of the castle looking down at the labyrinth, wanting to be there so desperately.

Today's affirmation: "If I let myself down by slipping back into old habits, I can gently correct my course without feeling that I have failed".