No Longer Intimidated

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt

Confidence bubbles up from within. Nothing anyone says or does can shake a truly confident core. When we feel inferior or intimidated, it is usually because we have put our sense of confidence in someone else's hands. Their judgements about our work or who we are suddenly have great sway over our own confidence. Longing for approval, we seek it from somone else, forgetting that it was in our power all along.

First of all, I apologize for the lack of blogging lately, but I have been busy on a new project (more to come later in the post)!

I am writing this post with extremely mixed emotions. I won't sugarcoat it for you...I am livid right now. I'm fed up with a certain person at work, and today I have come to the realization that I simply cannot count on this person to help me in the way that I need them to (or in the way that they should help me due to their position in the company). I think it was in my last post that I mentioned a new job opportunity had presented itself to me at work. Obviously, several weeks have gone by since I took the plunge and applied...and they still haven't filled the position, nor have I gotten any type of response in regards to why. I had just about given up hope, when another opportunity came about. The department that I applied for was hosting what they call a "roundtable presentation" last week. So of course I signed up eagerly. I thought, 'this will be the perfect chance to show my face, show them my interest in the department, and hopefully make some much needed connections for the future. So I went.

The presentation was very informative, and I actually learned quite a bit about the department as a whole...many things I did not know coming in to the session. What took me by surprise, was that the manager making the presentation knew who I was without me even introducing myself to her. She addressed me by name, and made eye contact with me while speaking. I was floored...I felt truly special. At the end of the session, they had a 5 question quiz. If you were the first to raise your hand and answer the question correct, you won a prize. I was totally into it, because let's face it, I'm really pretty competitive (not to mention I wanted to make a good impression). I answered the second question right and won a keychain (aren't you jealous?). Well I also answered the fourth question right, and won something so amazing I couldn't believe it. I won the opportunity to travel with this department to one of their upcoming events and see, firsthand, what they really do on a daily basis. I was floored! I couldn't wait to tell my boss about my prize, and express to him how honored I was to be offered this great opportunity.

As soon as I got back to my desk, I immediately went over to his desk to tell him all about it. My elation was soon gone when he started drilling me about why I thought this was such a great thing, and why I would want to go. Really??? I couldn't believe that I was having to justify my reasoning behind wanting to go. After I got back to my desk, I felt so defeated...so angry. I figured I would just go home, sleep on it, and resume my optimism the next day. When I got into the office the next day, I had an email from the manager of that department telling me that they were so excited that I was getting to come with them on a trip, and asking me which city I would be most interested in traveling to. As if that wasn't fantastic enough, today I had another email from a different manager offering me two choices of upcoming events that I could choose from. Things were just getting better and better. I felt so happy that they seemed just as excited as I was about the whole situation...I felt like they were seeking me out, instead of the other way around. This hasn't happened to me in so long, and I can't even describe what a morale boost that was.

Again, I emailed my boss to tell him the great news, and ask him what he thought would be the best event for me to attend. No response. The entire day went by without him even acknowleding that I had emailed him. So, trying to be proactive, I went to his desk to follow up. To make a long story short, he said I couldn't go on either trip. What?!? He said that I have too much work to do, and there's no way they would let me go with my current workload. For those of you who are in the mortgage industry, and especially those of you who either currently work for my company, or have in the past...you know that that same workload is always going to be there...and there will never be a time when you're considered "caught up". And to top it all off, he rudely stated "this trip has nothing to do with your job...it's a "perk". I was absolutely blown away by his lack of compassion, support, and just plain rudeness. He is my boss. He is supposed to be on my side. He is supposed to do what he can, as a manger, to help me reach my career goals. He's supposed to...but he's not. I was so incredibly angry, that I just had to walk away...I was shaking and on the verge of tears. I cannot understand why anyone would intentionally try to sabotage another person's chances at such a wonderful opportunity. I hate using the word "fair"...because I truly believe that life isn't fair...but in this particular circumstance, I do not think he is being fair at all.

How is this going to look to the managers in the other department when I have to tell them "no"? Are they going to think I'm not interested? Are they going to lose interest in me? I am so worried that this is going to ruin any chances of me ever getting a job there.

After talking to my mom for a long time tonight (and venting all of my frustrations to her), she helped me realize that he is not going to change. He is not going to all of a sudden bend over backwards to help me out. It's just not going to happen. So, that being said, I have decided to play his "game" as long as I need to. I'm going to go to work with a smile on my face every day...do what is asked of me...make sure that I give him no reason to hold me back in the future. And when I am presented with another opportunity to travel with the team (because I refuse to let him keep my from doing this), if he says no, then I will go over his head to someone who will let me.

I feel in my gut, that this chance was presented to me for a reason, and that an awesome opportunity lies in wait. It may not be right this second, but I just feel that sometime in the near future, something amazing is going to happen for me...a new door is going to open, and I will finally get what I deserve. I feel like I have earned this opportunity, and I am not going to let anyone take it away from me. The morale of the story is this: don't count on others to make you feel confident, or let them bring you down. Confidence comes from within, and I feel more confident than I have in months...and I am not going to let someone else ruin this for me (boss or no boss). I've had enough. I'm taking this matter into my own hands.

On a happier note, I have been working on my very own shop on Etsy.com. I have been wanting to seel things on there for years, but was just never confident enough to take the risk. Well I finally decided that wishing and hoping was never going to get me anywhere, and that I was ready to at least try it out and see how it went. Sooo, I have been making things like crazy over the last month, and I finally got a few things listed for sale. There are only three things for sale right now (trial and error projects I like to call them), but I have several more things ready to be posted. I am super excited that I am finally doing this, and really hope that it will be a success. So go online to Etsy.com and check out my store: Studio2626. The link is Studio2626.etsy.com. And keep checking back for new items!

Today's affirmation: "I take back my confidence. I will not let another person's opinions shake my core sense of worth"!

One Day at a Time...

"Home wasn't built in a day" - Jane Ace

The dust on the television screen is so thick, we're amazed our family members can even see the programs they watch. The grass in the backyard is so tall, rabbits can hide in it. And our inbox at work is so full it is literally tipping over.

We can be easily overwhelmed by endless housekeeping and professional workloads. We might even have trouble sleeping, wondering how we will ever catch up on our responsibilities. But if we tackle one simple task each time we walk into a room, we can slowly make a dent in the work. More important, we'll be able to sleep well at night, knowing this steady approach will also help us accomplish whatever tomorrow brings.

This daily reflection comes perfectly on the heels of yesterday's post. Lately I have been so focused on all of the "things" I have to get done on a daily/weekly basis, that I have thrown myself into an absolute frenzy. Yesterday I wrote about how sad I am, but after a little reflection of my own (and with some helpful advice from a fellow blogger and friend), I realized that the sadness I'm feeling right now is actually just immense stress. I have been so stressed that I have been punishing myself. Punishing myself for both things that I can control, and worse, for things I cannot. While I can control the cleanliness of my house, I cannot always control what happens at work. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed, that I confuse what I can and cannot control, and this creates a whirlwind of negative emotions. I also tend to overreact (shocker, I know). My mom always called me (and sometimes still does), her "little philly". Phillys are such high-strung horses, that whenever they get taken for a ride, their owners have to put blinders on their eyes so they won't get spooked. Case in point.

Today I was forced to put things into perspective. I have worked my tail off this entire month, doing everything I possibly could to ensure that I would meet my monthly goal and ultimately get paid a commission check. I even stayed really late today to make sure that all of my loans that were supposed to close this month did. It was all in vain apparently. I was one deal short of meeting my goal. One deal!!! What does this mean? First of all, it means that I won't get a commission check...again. But more importantly, it means that there's a very real possibility that I will get written up (since I was given a verbal warning last month). If I do get written up, it means that I cannot bonus for the following month. So, even if I meet my goal in September, I won't get paid for it. It also means that my chances at the job I applied for go out the window (anyone on any type of disciplinary action cannot apply for a new position for six months). So, I will be stuck in my current position for at least six months. Pretty crummy, right? I'd say so. I'm extremely proud of myself though. Once I realized that I had not met my goal, that I was not going to get paid, and that my chances at the new job were gone, I started thinking about all the positive things I had done throughout the month. I worked as much overtime as I could, which will result in a few extra bucks on my next couple of paychecks. I got caught up on my deal submissions, putting myself within the 5-day turnaround time that the department set forth. I cleaned up my inbox, getting the number of emails down to under 50. I made a daily schedule for myself (and my boss) each morning, to keep myself accountable during work, and adhered to it every day without fail. And I worked harder than I ever have before. I can say this truthfully and without hesitation. I know, deep in my heart...even if noone else recognizes it, that there was nothing else I could have possibly done to get that one extra deal this month. And that feels good. Despite all of the negative things that will result from this month, I can hold my head up high and be proud of what I accomplished.

I even carried that perspective home with me. I managed to clean the kitchen tonight and water the backyard. Sure, it's not an earth-shattering accomplishment, but it's a start. And like today's reflection says, you have to start somewhere...accomplishing one task at a time. If I can keep my work and my personal life in perspective at all times, taking on one thing at a time...eventually I won't be so overwhelmed. 

Tonight, I feel like I can sleep well knowing that I'm doing the best that I can. And that's all that matters in the end.

Today's affirmation: "Instead of racing to finish tasks, I'll work calmly and steadily until each job is done".

Silence and Strength

"May the stars carry your sadness away,
May the flowers fill your heart with beauty.
May hope foreve wipe away your tears,
And, above all, may silence make you strong." - Chief Dan George

Often, our first instinct when we're feeling sad is to fill up the empty space around us with people, noise, and activity. "Get out and see other people," our friends tell us. "Keep busy."

But it can be very healing to allow ourselves to feel our sadness fully, in silence and alone, particularly if we look for our solace in nature. Being in the natural world reminds us that everything, including sadness, eventually passes.

For so long now, I have put on a happy face, pretending that things aren't falling apart on the inside. I walk around with a smile on my face so that others don't know how I really feel. I don't want to worry anybody, and I definitely don't want anyone to think I'm a headcase. But I'm tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of trying to be something I'm not...happy. To be completely and brutally honest, I'm sad. My heart is heavy all the time. My eyes fill with tears at the drop of a hat. And I feel this immense and crushing sense of dread. Why? I wish I knew. If I knew, then I would fix it in a heartbeat. But I don't know, and I can't fix it.

Each morning I wake up with this burst of energy...ready to take on the day. I think "today I am going to work extra hard...I'm going to come home and clean the house...I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that". But then work stresses me out, I get tired, and I lose all of the energy I started the day with. I come home and don't know what to do with myself. My house is a disaster, yet I can't seem to find enough energy to clean it. There are so many things that I need to do, yet I can't find any motivation to get them done. Some days, I literally watch the clock...counting down the hours until it's time for bed. Some days, I get tired of waiting, and just go to bed at 7 or 8. There are some days I would much rather be asleep than awake. It scares me. I don't like feeling this way, but I don't know how to make it stop.

Do I want to feel this way? Of course not! Do I want to be truly and legitimately happy? Of course I do! Maybe, like today's reflection says, it's important for me to truly feel my sadness. Maybe there's a reason I'm feeling the way I am. And maybe it's part of God's plan for me to experience my sadness alone. Maybe this is the way I will heal.

May I look at the beauty of nature that surrounds me, and remember that I am not in control. May I see the sky and all of the stars...the trees and all of the beautiful flowers...may I feel the warm breeze on my face, and know that God is in control. May I be reminded that there is a power greater than myself, and know that He has a plan for me.

Today's affirmation: "When I am sad, I will sit quietly and experience my feelings. By letting myself be sad for a while, I prepare myself to move beyond my sadness".

Taking Responsibility...

"God gives the nuts, but He does not crack them" - German Proverb

If only the right opportunity were to come along, we think to ourselves, we could make a real success of things. We look with envy at others we see as being more successful. They must have gotten a big break somewhere along the way.

Chances are that we already have more opportunities than we realize. It's up to us to start recognizing these opportunities and taking advantage of them. This means actually working hard to turn opportunities into success.

I am 100% guilty of this. I look at other people in my company and think to myself that they must have been "in the right place at the right time". I think 'those opportunities will never present themselves to me...I'm just not lucky enough'. But in reality, it has absolutely nothing to do with luck. "Those people"...the ones who are more successful than I am...they are no different than me. They are human beings just like me. They had to start at the bottom at some point and work their way to where they are today. It didn't just happen overnight.

I have spent so much time complaining about my current situation at work, that I have lost sight of my overall goal...to advance in the company. I don't want to be in the same position I am now forever...it is unacceptable...I have higher goals than that. I love my job. I love my company. And I take pride in my work. I want to move up...I want to expand my knowledge...and I want to be the best that I can at my career.

An opportunity (actually two opportunities) presented themselves to me this week. There is a department in the company that I really admire, and have always thought about trying to move into...but positions just don't come available very often. This week two positions opened up. I couldn't believe it! At first I couldn't wait to apply...but the more I thought about it...the more I started to chicken out. I started to doubt my abilities, and I started to talk myself out of applying. I am so afraid of not getting the job...of "failing", that I almost didn't apply. 'How embarassing would it be to not get the job' I thought? People would think less of me...people would judge me. Then I realized how ridiculous I was being. How am I ever going to achieve my goals if I am too afraid to even try? Those "other people" that I admire so much, couldn't have been afraid to try, or they wouldn't be where they are today. You have to be willing to stick your neck out every once in a while if you want to get anywhere in life.

So that's what I did...I applied...not only for one of the positions, but for both! It's a stretch, I know, but I realized it can't hurt anything to just try. If it doesn't work out, it won't be because I didn't try...it will be because it just wasn't meant to be right now. I have been praying so hard for God to show me the way...to show me where He wants me to go. I feel as though I am stuck in a rut, and I have been asking Him to help me get out of it. I feel as though this was a sign from Him. It might not be in His plan for me to actually get the job, but I feel like it is in His plan for me to at least apply for the job. I feel like I am stepping outside of my comfort zone by doing something that intimidates me. And if it doesn't work out, then at least I will be able to hold my head high and say that I at least tried. And honestly, that's all that matters in the end.

Today's affirmation: "Ultimately, the responsibility for my success is on me, no matter what circumstances I face or what difficulties I have to overcome".

Ego and Position...

"Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it" - Colin Powell

"We're proud when we're successful at what we do. Executive, teacher, athlete, parent - we like telling people what we do. It tends to be how we define who we are - to ourselves and others.

But what happens when we retire or become empty-nesters? This can be a wrenching adjustment. We don't quite know how to introduce ourselves without a job attached to our name. Worse, we aren't even sure ourselves who we are. It's good to be invested in our work, as long as we remember that we aren't our work and our work isn't us. It's just something we do".

Oh what a concept! As much as I complain about my job...the hours, the stress, and the pay (especially the pay, or lack there of)...I often don't know what to do with myself when I'm not at work. Today was one of those days. I had one of the most stressful days today...one that nearly gave me a panic attack. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of the office...just to be anywhere but there. Yet I came home, ate dinner, and then couldn't think of anything else to do. As a matter of fact, it's almost 7:00, and I still can't think of anything to do. All I can think about is work. Did I get enough done today? What did I forget to do? What do I have to do tomorrow - will I get it all done? It's pathetic. Work absolutely consumes my mind at all times of the day...I even dream about it.

As I said in a post the other day, I'm in a little bit of trouble at work for my performance. My job is actually on the line. It doesn't make sense, does it? You would think that someone whose job was on the line, would be a slacker. You would think that they didn't care about their job. And you especially wouldn't think that they constantly obsessed over it! Yet that's me. I guess it goes back to the whole "people pleasing" idea. Despite the current situation at work, I still go above and beyond to make sure that I am doing everything right, and that noone is disappointed in me. Sometimes I think I ought to just give up and quit. Some might wonder why I continue to stress myself out to the point of panic? Why I haven't just moved on to greener pastures? That's actually a damn good question. I ask myself that question every day. Am I being an idiot here?

I just wish that, regardless of where I am working or whether I am 100% happy with my job, I could seperate my work and my life. I need to find solace in something other than working. But I just can't seem to find anything that truly makes me happy right now. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have plenty of things that are positive in my life...my wonderful family, my two precious nephews, and a few good friends...but I'm talking about something that is just mine and noone else's. Something that I can focus on that is completely seperate from my work.
I used to enjoy making jewlery, but I can't remember the last time I sat down to make a pair of earrings. I used to like to color...or make collages. But even those pleasurable things seem to create an unbelievable amount of stress now. My mind is just so overwhelmed that, even when I sit down to try and relax, I can't. I feel like I am trapped inside my own head screaming to get out.

If only I could learn to leave work at the office, and leave my personal life at home in the morning...I think my life would be so much better. And if only I could remember the simple pleasures in life...I might be able to calm my brain down when I get home from a long day. I don't know how other people do it...

Today's affirmation: "I love my work, but my life - and who I am - are more than my work. I will make sure that I have other sources of satisfaction".

Tomorrow's Joke...

"The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow" - H.G. Wells

When we're in the midst of a dreadful time, it often helps to remember that one day we'll be able to tell a great story about it, one we'll laugh at. We'll laugh because, in retrospect, what we thought was a crisis really wasn't so serious after all. Or we'll laugh because we made it through the crisis and came out stronger on the other side.

I have been pouring over all of my inspirational books for days now, desperately searching for words, phrases, and prayers to help me keep the nasty, negative and pessimistic attitude I have lurking inside me, at bay. If there's one thing that I don't want, is to look back at this dark time in my life, and wish I would have handled it with more maturity. But that nastiness and negativity is right under the surface...right on the tip of my tongue. It is literally all I can do not to utter a thousand curse words at God right now. It's all I can do to not walk into my director's office and tell him how I really feel. And it's all I can do to keep a smile on my face every day. I am so beat down...both physically and emotionally.

Reading the above daily inspiration, reminds me, again, that this time in my life is only temporary. I know I have said that numerous times already...but reitterating it over and over again helps me actually believe it. And if I have to say it a hundred more times in order to get through this time, you better believe I will do just that.

Today's affirmation: "I'll try to keep my perspective, remembering that even the worst day is only one small moment in my life".

Today I pray: "May God keep me from worrying unduly about small things. May He, instead, open my eyes to the grandeur of His universe and the ceaseless wonders of His earth. May He grant me the breadth of vision which can reduce any small, fretful concern of mine to the size of a fly on a cathedral window".

Strength and Time for Change...

I was reading my "Daily Book of Positive Quotations" book tonight, desperately looking for some much needed words of encouragement, and I happened across these two topics that are exactly what I needed. Today was, hands down, the worst day I have had at my job since starting with the company over four years ago. I know in previous posts, I have touched upon the issues I am, and have been for some time now, dealing with at work. The issues are seperate in nature, but in the end directly affect the other. As I previously mentioned, I have not been receiving commission checks for six months now. This is the result of not meeting my monthly goals that are set forth by management. Not reaching goal = not getting paid. It's as simple as that. You would think that there's a very simple answer to that problem...work harder. Right? Not the case. I have more work to do now, than I ever have had before, and I simply cannot keep up. And I feel completely confident when I say that I have been busting my butt each and every day that I am in that office...from the time I walk in the door at 7:00 am, until the time I leave at 4:00 pm (although lately it's been more like 5:30 or 6:00). But despite all of my hard work, it just simply isn't making a difference. I'm still not getting paid. It's so bad, that last month I didn't have enough money to pay my rent, much less my utilities. I had to borrow money from family, which is such a hard thing to swallow at the age of 31...especially since I have been completely financially stable for the last four years.

I have tried to remain optimistic these last six months...thinking that 'next month things will turn around'...'next month I'm bound to reach goal and get paid'. Well, six months have gone by and still nothing has changed. Today was the icing on the cake. My manager called me into his office and gave me a 'verbal warning'...which those of you that work in the corporate world know is basically the same thing as a written warning. Regardless of if it's verbal or in writing, it's never a good thing. Not to mention, it's extremely humiliating and a complete punch in the gut. I couldn't believe it. I have NEVER gotten in trouble for anything the entire time I've been with the company, and now that I am working harder than ever before, I am getting a warning that I need to improve my production or I could ultimately be let go?? I am in complete disbelief.

The first reflection I read today talked about strength.

"What does not destroy me, makes me stronger" - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Tough times can make us stronger and wiser. Knowing this doesn't really make tough times any easier, though-at least not while we're going through them. But it's worthwile to remind ourselves often of this truth.

Of course, we get stronger not simply because we go through tough times, but because we call upon our best selves to find our way through them. We draw upon our humor, patience, courage, and other qualities and, in doing so, learn the power of our inner resources.

The second reflection talked about a time for change.

" Change before you have to" - Jack Welch

When we have to change, we change. When we have no other choice, we do what we have to do. We may not like it-we may even resent it-but we do it anyway, and we find a way to deal with it.

But what if instead of simply reacting to change, we initiated change ourselves? What if we anticipated the need for change and actively planned for it in both our personal and professional lives? What if we acted before change was forced on us?

Such powerful words...and oh how fitting for my situation. I am dealing with an unbelievable amount of stress, both personally and professionally, and am having to call upon my most powerful inner resources just to make it through the day sometimes. What gets me through most days, is the voice inside of my head that is telling me 'things will get better'. I am doing my best to power through these tough times, and I must say that I am learning alot about myself in the meantime. I know a lot of people who would have given up at this point, but the fact that I can still remain positive and optimistic despite adversity, says alot about my character.

But despite my optimism and my positive attitude, even I can realize when it's time to make a change. I am toying back and forth with two options here. Either I can change the way I am currently working, in an effort to increase my productivity...or I can look for a new job. I really don't want to choose the latter option, but I have a gut feeling that that's the path I will more than likely take. It saddens me beyond words to even think about leaving the company I have loved for more than four years. My heart and soul is in that company (as corny as that sounds), but it has been more than just a "job" for me. I enjoy going to work each day (okay, most days), I enjoy the people I work with, and I actually like the job that I do. I don't want to leave. But if I am doing the very best that I can do each day, and it is still not good enough, then maybe it's time to say "enough is enough" and move on. Afterall, you can only do so much before realizing you're spinning your wheels and getting absolutely nowhere. And like the reflection above said...sometimes it's better to act before change is forced upon us. Unless something drastically changes, and soon, my decision is inevitable.

Please pray for me as I try and figure out the best course of action for myself. I have a difficult decision to make, and I need all the support I can get.

Today's affirmation(s): "I will survive the difficult periods in my life. And after each one, I will be a stronger, more resilient person".

"If change is good-and it can be- maybe I should deliberately push myself to change once in a while".

Getting through...

"The best way out is always through" - Robert Frost

There's no easy way to get out of a difficult period, as much as we may want to find one. We just have to go through it. Rationally, we may know that our pain will lessen over time, but this is little solace at first.

Still, we survive. And we survive by living through our pain-day by day, week by week, month by month. And then, suddenly one day, we're on the other side, looking back, thinking, "That was a rough period, wasn't it? But I made it."

It goes without saying that I've really had a rough time of it lately. With all of the things going on in my personal, as well as my professional life, I easily fell victim to the "why me" syndrome, ultimately leading me to have the world's biggest pity party known to man. My emotions have been that of a roller coaster...up one minute, then down the next. I've been mad as hell, sad to the point of tears, and so down in the dumps that I have feared there is no purpose to my life anymore. My mind races with so many thoughts, that it's hard for me to keep up with them all. I feel like I am stuck in a huge rut, and that I may never get out. I keep asking God why he is testing me like this, and so far I have not received an answer. That's not to say that I have given up, and I will continue to pray for direction from Him until I find my way again. It's hard to remain positive and optimistic though, don't get me wrong. There are some days I just want to give up...some days I don't even want to get out of bed. This is a very scary time for me to say the least.

Today's reflection is perfect. It puts my troubles into perspective. It reminds me that there is never an easy fix to anything in life, especially tough times like these. You just have to continue pushing through each and every day, enduring the difficult times to make it to the other side. I have been tested before by God. I made it through then, and I will make it through this time too. I will survive. I will. I just need to remind myself that this time in my life is only temporary, and that this too will pass. If I can force myself to push through each day (even if I'm kicking and screaming the whole time), eventually I will be on the other side. One day I will wake up and realize that these tough times are over. Hopefully I will be able to look back on this time in my life with pride...pride for making it through and not giving up. I know there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel...I just need to keep my eyes focused on that light...and eventually God will lead me to it. It will happen.

Today's affirmation: "I want things to be better-I want to be better- right away. I hate being in pain. But I can't make the healing go any faster, so I just need to accept that I will heal, with time".

Love within reach...

I've had a great day so far. I woke up and went to Starbucks for a few hours to get some work done. I have made the decision that I will do whatever it takes to a) get caught up on my workload, and b) make sure I receive a commission check this month. So if that means I have to work overtime during the week and also work weekends...I'm going to do it. Anyways, after Starbucks I decided to go to a yoga class at LA Fitness. I recently signed up for classes at the Bikram Yoga studio in Dallas, but have only managed to make it to two classes...mainly because I just haven't had the energy to withstand 90 minutes of intense exercise since I've been sick. I used to go to this particular yoga class every Saturday, and I really loved it...but I got lazy, and just stopped going. For some reason today, I had this burning desire to go back...and I'm so glad I did. Not only was it an excellent class today, but the instructor read something at the end of class that really touched my heart. I just had to know what she was reading, so after class, I went over to her and asked. She showed me this book called "The Daily Book of Positive Quotations" by Linda Picone. She said she found it at Target, so being me, I immediately rushed over to Target to get my own copy. Here's what she read today:

"When we cannot get what we love, we must love what is within our reach" - French Proverb

Learning to love what we have, rather than what we would like to have, is not a matter of giving up or compromising. It's a matter of maturing.

We set out goals high, and we should. We work diligently towards our goals, and we should. But if we don't realize all of our goals, should we live our lives with bitterness and regret? How much richer would our lives be if we could appreciate the blessings that we already have?

This just reinforces what I said the other day...that we should do some "instant bookkeeping" of our lives, and make a list of all the blessings we are fortunate to have. So many times, I look at my life and feel sad about all of the things I don't have...the things I have done in my past...the things I haven't yet accomplished. It literally paralyzes me with fear about the future. I think 'I'm already 31 years old, and there are so many things I should have done by now...I'm running out of time'. But in reality, life does not operate on a specific timeline. There is nothing that says we have to accomplish X, Y, and Z before a specific time. In my break-up letter to Ed, I blamed him for not being married with children. I blamed him for not having more meaningful relationships with others. And I blamed him for robbing me of my own identity. Yes, he did play a large part in some of these things, but in all honesty, it might just be that I was meant to be where I am now at the age of 31. Who's to say that had I not had an eating disorder all this time that I would be married? Or have kids? Who's to say that I would have more friends or be happier in my life?

I am slowly learning to love my life again, and count my blessings each and every day. I'm really trying to focus on the positive things in my life...the blessings God has given me. It's a hard thing to do really. It's so easy to wish my life was different and to think about all of the things I don't have. But if I dwell on what I don't have, and if I am always wishing my life were different, then I will miss out on what I do have. The bottom line is this: I am where I am in my life for a reason. I have so many things to be thankful for...so many reasons to count my blessings. Life is way too short to yearn for things that are ultimately out of our control. The quote at the top of my page sums it up perfectly: "Life is a journey, not a destination".

Today's affirmation: " I will love my life for what it is, rather than regretting it for what it is not"

Dear Ed...

I wish we had never met. I often think how different my life would be now if that were true. Would I be married? Would I have children? Would I have genuine and meaningful relationships with others? Would I love myself more than I do today? What a different plan I had in place for my life! I feel as though our relationship has robbed me of the last fifteen years. I look back at that time and wonder how so much time has just passed me by. I feel completely cheated...betrayed. For so long I trusted in you! I remember how comforting and reassuring your voice was all those times I felt so completely alone and afraid. You told me everything would be okay if I just trusted in you. And I believed you. Because of this I am more alone than ever. I remember how convincing you were when you told me that you knew what was best for me and noone else could be trusted. Again I believed you. Because of this I shut others out. And I vividly remember all those times when you told me I wasn't good enough unless I was skinny and perfect. That voice is louder than all the others and sometimes is the only one I can hear. For the last time...I believed in you. I have sacrificed so much of myself for so long that I no longer remember who I am. All I know is that I am sick.

Perhaps this is the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life, and it is with a heavy heart that I am ending this relationship. For so long I have sat on the sidelines and watched you play the game for me. I have forgotten how to laugh...how to be content...how to love. You have taken so much from me that for once I fear for my life, and I refuse to die in your arms. I want my life back! I want to be healthy, happy, and peaceful. I want the life that God has planned for me...the life he had planned for me before I was even born.

From now on you are not allowed in my life. Starting now I am going to be the person you never wanted me to be. And I will do whatever it takes to keep you at bay. I will not look at you, talk to you, or even acknowledge your existence. You are dead to me. I wish I could say it was a pleasure knowing you.

This is a break-up letter I wrote to Ed during treatment. I read it aloud during process group, and cried as I did. Just saying those words out loud was more empowering than I could have ever imagined. In light of my recent struggles with food, work, health, etc..., I felt it was time to pull out this letter and read it aloud again. And I also wanted to share it with you so you can understand, on a deeper level, the pain and regrets I carry with me because of my eating disorder. It not only robs you of your physical health...it also robs you of your entire life.

I often still wonder how different my life would be now had I never succumbed to ED. Even though I know that I have been given a brand new chance at life, I still struggle with the "what ifs". I still struggle with letting go of my past, and often relive certain times in my life trying to figure out what I could have done different (this goes along with the whole perfection thing, and always wanting to please others). When I catch myself doing this, I have to remind myself that my past is how I got to where I am today...it shaped the person I am now...mistakes and all. Afterall, mistakes are what help us learn and grow as individuals. Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way. But despite the hard road I had to take to get to the current stage in my life, I am happy to be here now, and I like who I am. I like me.

Today's affirmation: "I forgive myself and others, release the past and move forward with love in my heart".

It always amazes me how words...

can evoke so much emotion within one's self. I am really trying my hardest to dig my way out of the self-pity I have been wallowing in for so long, and the daily meditations, reflections, and quotes I have been reading the last few days are really beginning to inspire me. Each daily reflection, from my "One Day at a Time" book, for the last week, has been all about self-pity, which is so fitting for my current state of mind. For the last eight months, I have dealt with one health issue after another. I have also been dealing with some major financial setbacks at work, and the combination of the two has really taken its toll on me both physically and emotionally.

To go into a little further detail about my current health struggles, I'll quickly update you on the latest prognosis (as of today). I went back to the doctor this morning for a follow-up appointment to last week's visit. I still have mono (like that would have gone away in a week), and the antibiotics he gave me for the sinus infection didn't work and the infection is still there. He prescribed a new antibiotic, which I will have to take for two weeks, three times a day. I'm a little concerned that a) I have been so susceptible to so many different infections over the last few months, and b) that it usually takes more than one round of antibiotics to clear them up. I expressed this concern to the doctor, and asked if there could possibly be an underlying issue that is causing all of the above. He quickly told me that he "didn't want to go there yet" (whatever that means), and that he had another patient he needed to get to. I was really put off by that. I can't afford to spend any more of my time and money to see a doctor that isn't willing to dig a little deeper to find the root cause of my health problems. But I am trying my hardest (and I mean my hardest) to trust him and be patient. I will give the antibiotics time to work, and will keep praying that they work this time, and that they will get rid of the infection. If they don't work this time, I will insist on being referred to a specialist who is willing to spend more time trying to figure this out. Bottom line is that I am sick of being sick! He did go ahead and send a referral over to an orthopedic back specialist so that I can get a better examination of my back/spine, and hopefully get to the bottom of that pain. So that's good news. I have to go back in one week to this doctor, for yet another follow-up visit, so please pray for me in the meantime. Ask God for healing, and also that He will give me the patience needed to wait this out (honestly, my patience has worn very thin).

Without going into too many details about work (because let's face it...who wants to hear about that), I will briefly say that money is a huge concern for me right now...and has been since returning to work from treatment in February. I am barely scraping by right now, and if it wasn't for the help of my family, I would either be out on the streets, or sitting in my house with no electricty, water, or gas. It's that bad. Again, I have done my absolute best to be patient for the last few months, but it is getting to the point where I just might have to bite the bullet and "explore other options". I know in the Bible it says that God will not give you more than you can handle...but I am losing my faith in that assurance. As scared, frustrated, and stressed out as I am, I am still trying to remain optimistic that things will turn around...and soon. But it may come to the point where I have to face reality and realize that I may need to make some changes. So again, please pray for me and my financial stability.

All of that being said, today's reflection was great. It talked about pulling yourself out of the self-pity trap by doing some "instant bookkeeping". It says that for every entry of misery on the debit side of our ledger, there needs to be a blessing to mark on the credit side (the friends and family we have, the illnesses we don't have, a clean and sober 24-hours, etc...). Furthermore, if we try our hardest, we can easily list a whole string of credits that will far outweigh the debit entries, which inevitably cause our self-pity.

The take-away prayer was this: "May I learn to sort out my debits and credits, and add it all up. May I list my several blessings on the credit side. May the ledger show me, when all is totaled, a fat fund of good things to draw on".

Here is my list of "credits", or blessings:
1. My amazing family
2. The fact that I have a nice place to call home
3. My friends that have stuck by me through the good times and bad
4. My health (seems ironic doesn't it? but I could have cancer, could be paralyzed, or have something far worse than what I currently have that could greatly affect my quality of life)
5. The fact that I am lucky enough to have a job, when there are so many people struggling to find work
6. My precious dog Riley
7. My artistic/crafty qualities that make me unique
8. The fact that I was lucky enough to attend a top-quality treatment facility that saved my life
9. The resources that I have available to me to continue living in recovery
10. The fact that I have an amazing Higher Power who will carry me when I am too weak to walk in His steps, and who will never leave my side...even if I lose my faith in Him.

I realize that I am a very lucky person. There are so many good things in my life, and I ask God that I may never take those things for granted.

Today's affirmation: "If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me, no matter how heavy my heart is or how dark the moment might be...if I can but keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true, that darkness will fade with morning and that this too will pass away. Then nothing can ever disturb me or fill me with uncertain fear...for as sure as night brings dawning, my morning is bound to appear".

I think you'll like this one...

My mom gave me a piece of paper with a quote on it that I really like. I like it so much, that it is hanging in my cubicle at work. Each day I read this quote and it inspires me. Words truly are so powerful.

"Let yourself be silently drawn by the strong pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray".

Happy Hump Day!

I have spent so much of my life trying to please others...

that I seem to have lost part of my own identity along the way. In the past I would literally feel sick if I thought that someone was either mad or unhappy with me. I would play and replay conversations over in my head, always thinking I should have said or done something different. And I always felt as though I had to make amends with those people just to ensure they didn't "hate" me or think less of me (I couldn't stand the thought of someone thinking I was anything but perfect). Normally, this would just add more drama to a situation than needed to be, but I couldn't rest until my mind was sure I had made things "right". What other people thought of me was the most important thing in my mind. Let me tell you...this was an exhausting way to live and interact with others.

In treatment I learned that it's okay not to be "perfect" all the time, and that inevitably, at many points in your life, you are going to do something that someone else doesn't like. Someone is bound to disagree with you, your decisions, or your actions...and that is OK. Talk about an eye-opening discovery! I don't have to be perfect? I don't have to worry all the time about what other people think about me? What a relief! Now I say that is was a huge relief to find that out, but I will be completely honest when I say that this is still a daily struggle for me. I have gotten so much better though, and I am now able to let things "go" so much easier than ever before. If someone disagrees with me (God forbid), I am able to take a step back, assess the situation, and move on. This is especially true when I feel confident in my decision or my actions pertaining to a certain situation. I no longer second guess myself as much as I used to. I think alot of this comes from the self-esteem and self-worth that I gained during treatment. I now know that I am completely capable of making my own decisions, even if they are selfish at times, and I can feel good about them without worrying so much what other people may think about those decisions. I am now able to make decisions based on what is best for me.

Yesterday's daily reflection/meditation from my "One Day at a Time" book, talked about how people with addictions constantly seek approval of others. This, no doubt, leads to the dreaded self-pity I talked about in my last post. The take-away prayer for the day was this:

God, make me ever mindful of where I came from and the new goals I have been encouraged to set. May I stop playing to an audience for their approval, since I am fully capable of admiring or appluading myself if I feel I have earned it. Help me make myself attractive from the inside, so it will show through, rather than adorning the outside for effect. I am tired of stage make-up and costumes, God; help me be myself.

I am tired of always feeling the need to please others. I pray for the courage to stand up for myself and do what I feel is right, regardless of what others may think.

Today's affirmation: "I love and approve of myself. I am at peace with my own feelings and my decisions, and I stand tall and free".

The world's biggest pity party...

I recently went back and read through some of my more recent blog posts, and I noticed a common theme amongst them: they are negative, depressing, and pitiful. It seems like I have been having the world's biggest pity party for myself, however, I'm the only one who showed up to the party. Don't get me wrong...the last couple of months have been extremely difficult and trying (actually, since November of last year, my life has been one big struggle)...but I think my own pitiful attitude greatly affected the way I handled certain situations.

I don't want this next paragraph to seem like I'm continuing on with the negativity, but in order to get to my point, I feel I need to share what has happened just within the last week (or at least since my last post about Jeremy). About a week and a half ago, I made an appointment with a general internal medicine doctor, just to establish care (so that I have a primary care physician to call upon when I have a cold, the flu, etc...), but also to express some concerns I had regarding the way I have been feeling for a couple of months or longer. He spent a really long time asking me questions, and getting my medical history (and let's face it, I have quite a lengthy one). I was completely upfront about my eating disorder, because I feel as though alot of my past medical problems are directly correlated to Ed. If there's one thing I have learned throughout this entire recovery process is that, in order to heal, I cannot be ashamed of my eating disorder, and that I need to be completely honest about it (and not just with doctors). People will either be accepting of who I am...eating disorder and all...or they won't, and there's nothing I can do about it, and I definitely don't need to feel ashamed of who I am. Anyhow, the doctor then asked me if I had any current health concerns I wanted to share. I explained to him that I have just not been feeling well, but really couldn't pinpoint anything specific. I told him that I have had a fever of 100.5 for over three weeks, with a slight sore throat and a dull headache. I also told him that my back has been really hurting me lately, and that it was extremely sore. He decided to do a CBC to check for any abnormalties, and see if he could get an explanation for the random fever. So it turns out that I have (and apparently have had for a couple of months) mono. He said that explains the general feeling of malaise, the sore throat and the headache...but it didn't really explain the fever. He asked me to come back for another visit. After that visit, he determined that I had a sinus infection as well as the mono. He decided to do some chest xrays to rule out any respiratory infections, such as pnuemonia, and also decided to go ahead and take some xrays of my back at the same time. I got a call from his nurse yesterday. She tells me that I have scoliosis and mild arthritis in my spine. What?!? In the last week, I have been told that I have mono, a sinus infection, scoliosis, and arthritis. I'm trying not to sound melodramatic here, but come on...that's alot for anyone to handle in one week!

You might be wondering what all of this means. Well, the mono is in the "convalescent stage", which means that I should be getting better. It can still take up to another four months for me to feel 100% better and have all of my energy back (I knew there was a reason that I was so tired all the time), but I am over the intitial "sick" stage. So that's pretty positive news. He put me on some heavy duty antibiotics for the sinus infection to see if we could knock it out, and hopefully knock out the fever at the same time (he's hoping that's the reason for the unexplained fever). I go back this Wednesday for another follow up visit to check and see if the infection is gone. He said that if the sinus infection is gone, but my fever is still there, then he wants to call an infectious disease doctor. Apparently, when you have a fever of "unknown origin" for an extended period of time...and there's no infection or anything that could be causing it...that's the next course of action. I'm a little freaked out by this, but am keeping my fingers crossed that we don't have to go that route. As for the back problems, I am not sure yet what the course of action will be...I plan on talking to him about that on Wednesday as well. I do know that I am still in quite a bit of pain, and will probably need to see a back specialist.

So yeah, this last week has not been a good one to say the least. On top of all of the health issues, I am having some really big issues at work (but I am not going to go into that at all). I absolutely lost it yesterday afternoon. I was crying hysterically, was extremely agitated, and was having some pretty scary urges to be destructive. I felt like punching something and maybe breaking a knuckle, or kicking something and maybe breaking a toe. I just thought that maybe if I hurt something, it would make me feel better. Luckily, I realized I was being irrational, and decided to turn my destructive thoughts into productive ones...so I cleaned my house. I also talked to both my mom and sister for a long time. They asked me what they could do to help me right at that moment, and I said that I just needed to vent all of my frustrations. My poor mom really got the brunt of all that frustration, but she handled it like a champ. After just talking, crying, talking, and crying some more, I had finally said everything that had been on my mind for days (if not longer). It actually made me feel better just to get it all of my chest. I really was having a HUGE pity party.

So that finally gets me to the point of this entire post (sorry it took me so long to get here). I am done feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of feeling sick all the time. I'm tired of not taking care of myself. I'm tired of being negative all the time. And I'm done with all of the pity parties. I have come to the realization that God is testing me (and he's putting me through some pretty tough tests to be completely honest), and there's a reason behind all of this. I have always been a firm believer that God has a unique plan for each and every one of us, but somehow along the way I have lost sight of that, and in turn have lost some of my faith in Him. I don't know at this point where my life is going to lead me, but I know that it has to be somewhere better than where I am now. As frustrated as I am with my current situation, I am a little bit excited and anxious to see where God is leading me. I realize that I need to pray a little harder, have a little more faith, and be alot more trusting of Him. I ask that you also pray a little harder for me. I need all of the support I can get right now...from my family, my friends, and even silent strangers that God has placed in my life as part of my life plan.

I have a book called "One Day at a Time", which is a daily meditation/reflection book for recovering addicts. Yesterday's reflection talked about self-pity. It was pretty fitting if you ask me. It talked about the "why me" and "poor me" syndrome of people with addictions. The take-away prayer for the day was this:

"When self-pity has me droopy and inert, may I look up, look around, and perk up. Self-pity, God wills, vanishes in the light of other people's shared troubles. May I always wish for friends honest enough to confront me if they see me digging my way back down into my old pity pot"

Today's reflection was even more fitting. It talked about the "me-me-me" syndrome. It said that when you are so self-absorbed in your own pity, that you lose touch with practically everything around you. It asked me a very poignant question: "Am I living in the problem rather than the answer"? The take-away prayer for today's reflection is this:

"I pray that my preoccupation with self, which is wound up tight as a Maypole, may unwind itself and let its streamers fly again for others to catch and hold. May the thin familiar wail of me-me-me become a chorus of us-us-us, as we in the fellowship pick apart of self-fulness and look at it together"

My own take-away from those two reflections is that I will not recover if I am stuck wallowing in my own self-pity.

Today's affirmation: "Turn self-involvement into involement, and change the me-me-me into us-us-us".

Where to start this post...

So my day started off great (although I was later to work than I intended to be). I worked my rear off all day trying to get as much done as I possibly could before the end of the day. I have this huge project due (it was actually due today, but I didn't get finished), so I focused all my attention on that and ignored all the other daily tasks that I am normally required to do. I didn't answer my phone and I let the emails pile up...much to my dismay. If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's a full inbox of unread messages. But today I just didn't have a choice. At 5:00 my day took a turn for the worse. At this point I was getting ready to wind things down, even though I was only halfway through this project. Let's face it...11 hour days are exhausting. Yeah, so I didn't finish, but I'm choosing to look at it as the glass is half full...trying to remain positive.

So right as I'm finishing up my last task for the day, I get this odd text message from Jeremy. He has been in DC all week for work, was supposed to fly home tonight, and we had plans tomorrow night for a friend's birthday. He proceeds to tell me that his flight has been cancelled and he might be stuck in DC for the weekend. Hmmm, it's not winter, so there's no chance of him getting snowed in. There's no hurricanes in the DC area that I know of, so no chance of bad weather keeping him stranded. So why the cancelled flight? And why does he not seem upset about it after he told me all week long that he was so ready to come home? He must think that I'm the biggest idiot on the face of the planet...that I would actually believe this crap? So I get on the internet and check two things: 1) how far of a flight it is from DC to Cincinnati, OH where his recent ex-girlfriend lives, and 2) if in fact there were any cancelled fight departing from both airports, all major carriers, and to all cities. The first thing I found was that it is only a 48 minute flight from DC to Cincinnati. The second thing I find is that in both airports, to all cities, on all airlines, there are ZERO cancellations. I was in complete shock...I had just caught him in a boldfaced lie!! But why?

To make a long story short, I confront him about his blatant lies, and he tells me that he wants to get back together with his ex. He then continues on telling me that 'he's a jerk (for lack of a better and more appropriate word)', that 'he can never be the person I want him to be or need him to be', and that 'I deserve better'. First of all, don't patronize me! I am not a child and I think at 31 I can handle the truth. He goes on to tell me that 'you can't help who you love, no matter how hard you try' and that 'he and Robin are meant to be together'. Are you being serious right now?? HE came back into MY life after two years of no contact...HE asked ME for a second chance. At that point in my life, two months ago, I was perfectly content being single, and was finally focusing on me for the first time in my life. I didn't need a boyfriend. But I caught a small glimpse of a changed man, who seemed genuine when he told me that he would do anything to prove to me that he was different. I've decided that he's a really, really good actor to pull that off and for me to believe him (trust me, I am your #1 skeptic when it comes to things like this...I don't trust easily especially when you've hurt me once already).

By the end of the conversation, which was all via text messages, I finally told him that he was right...I do deserve better than him. I mean, come on for Pete's sake, he didn't even have the courtesy to call me! How old are we again? I told him (and not in my nicest words) that I didn't want to hear any more of his excuses for why he was ending things, and that I would appreciate it if he never contacted me again. Bam! I was so proud of myself. Don't get me wrong, I was literally shaking from anger and fighting back tears the whole time, but I felt good about what I said.

I am full of so many mixed emotions right now. I am in the anger/denial stage. I'm mad at him for being such an incredible jerk, and mad at myself that I got sucked into another relationship with him after he broke my heart two years ago for similar reasons. I'm in denial only because it is still so new...I went from having a boyfriend one minute to being single the next. I got dumped...again...twice by the same guy. I feel so foolish. And then of course I'm sad. Sad that it's over, because even if he wasn't having fun, I was. And just confused. My head is spinning.

After talking to my mom for a long time, as well as my good friend Anna, I feel somewhat better. The one thing that I am going to take away from this experience, is the confirmation that I need to continue focusing on me...I need to fix me. I've relapsed and that is unacceptable. And absolutely no guy is going to prevent me from doing what I need to do to stay in recovery. Don't get me wrong, I am still mad as hell, but I am going to use this fuel to light a fire inside of myself to get back on track. I deserve to be happy, healthy, whole, and I deserve to live my best life that God has planned for me. So there...take that Jeremy! I don't need you, and I definitely deserve better than you if this is really who you are.

Today's affirmation: "There is no turning back, especially when the journey gets rough. I have gotten another chance at life. How many really have that chance? Recovery doesn't fix everything, but it makes it possible".

Ed = 1, Brooke = 0

Ed has completely taken ahold of me yet again. As much as I've been kicking and screaming, trying to resist his grasp, I have found myself getting weaker and weaker...until finally he has won this most recent battle. I went from not wanting to eat anything at all, to wanting to eat everything in sight.

I've been thinking for the last few days...trying to come up with a way to get back ontop...to get back on track. The first step, I've decided, is going to be to start going back to my meetings twice a week. I've been avoiding them like the plague because a) I've been lazy, and b) I've been too ashamed to explain why I've been away for so long. But, I know that I need to surround myself with people again...the same people who helped me get into recovery the first time. I realize that these people are not my enemy...ED is.

Each time I slip back into old habits, my mom's face pops into my head. I remember each Thursday that she took off of work to be there for me in family therapy. Each time she listened, learned, and took notes in order to help me get better. I remember when she, my sister, and brother-in-law gave me a pendant that says "Fear not, for I am with you". I cried. I remember the last family therapy session she attended...I remember how she told me with tears in her eyes that she was so proud of me. I don't think she'd be proud of me now.

So the second step I've decided is going to be to stay with my mom for a few days. At first I thought I needed to check myself into the inpatient ward at the hospital...just to have constant supervision from doctors and to get myself back on a meal plan. But with work being so crazy busy, I realized I just cannot do that right now. And honestly, I don't think that's what I need. I have the tools to get back on track...I know what to do. I just need someone to eat with me (to make sure I eat), and to be around someone so I don't give into my urges to purge. I think that if I can get a good week under my belt, I can do the rest on my own. And no, I'm not being stubborn, I'm just saying that I know what I need to do to stay in recovery.

So that's the game plan for now. I will definitely keep you updated on my progress. I just ask that you please keep me in your thoughts and prayers for a while. I am asking God for conviction, motivation, and courage to fight this awful and deadly disease. ED will not control my life!

Today's affirmation: "I can do recovery; I am willing to work my recovery".

I just haven't been in the mood to blog lately (2 of 2)...

I don't know what I would do without my family...they are my foundation, my rock, my salvation. As you know from previous posts, I haven't been doing very well with my eating. I have developed a love/hate relationship with food. Some mornings I wake up starving, but when I think about eating something, my stomach turns and I get nauseous. Other mornings I wake up not hungry at all, and it continues like that throughout the day. I have gotten back into the habit of just having coffee in the morning (along with my morning cigarettes), and then a Diet Coke for lunch. By the time the afternoon rolls around I am sick with hunger. I get home and stare into the refridgerator, wanting to eat something, but can't seem to force myself to take a bite...of anything. It's sickening. If it weren't for my mom and sister, I would go days without eating. My mom has been eating dinner with me almost every night for two weeks...and my sister has even brought me dinner a few times (usually some of whatever she is making for her family). This really has been my saving grace. I must say I've had some pretty tasty meals lately (Pei Wei tonight for instance)! Even though I'm eating food, and putting nourishment into my body, I am feeling guilty about it the whole time. It is all I can do to refrain from purging. I wish I could go back in time and start a new relationship with food...develop a healthy respect for it, rather than a loathing for it. I still don't understand (no matter how much treatment I went through) why I have this unhealthy relationship with something God intended to be good. I may never understand it to be honest. But I am just so thankful to have such a wonderful, patient, and understanding family.

On a side note, my friend, Erin, from treatment is in town for a month or so. She goes to school in California, so once she coined out of treatment, it was back to the West coast for her. This is the one person I connected with the most while in treatment...someone I relate to, respect, and care for deeply. She is an amazing Christian woman dealing with her own issues with food (completely different from mine). I am thrilled to death that I get to see her soon! At first I wanted to avoid her because I'm not doing that great ED wise...but then I realized if anyone will understand, it's Erin. So I plan on being completely honest with her about what I'm going through, and look to her for support and advice. This is one reason I haven't been going to my support meetings...because I'm ashamed. Ashamed of falling back into the grips of ED. Ironic don't you think? The one place that I can go to for support, where I'm surrounded by other people who know exactly what I'm going through, is the one place I am shying away from. This is exactly what ED does...he controls your life...he wants you to be ashamed so you will isolate yourself from people who care. Well I say 'no more being ashamed'!!! I am who I am. I have an eating disorder. I am human just like everyone else, and I am NOT perfect by any means. I will falter. But I will pick myself back up and persevere down the road of recovery. I can do it!

Today's affirmation: "Each day I am more able to love and forgive myself".

I just haven't been in the mood to blog lately (1 of 2)...

It's not that I don't have a lot going on in my life right now, or that I don't have much to say...I just feel like I have been in such a funk lately that people might not want to read my blog anymore if I posted how I truly feel some days. I'm still in a little bit of a funk, but feel like I am slowly coming out of it.

First of all, I developed this random fever that stayed with me for nine days. Nine days!! It was only 100.5, but it was enough to make me feel terrible (which didn't help my mood either). The bad thing about it was that there was really nothing wrong. I had a slight sore throat, a mild headache, and the fever...but nothing substantial enough to put my finger on. So I was just "sick", but not really sick...if that makes any sense at all. The fever is finally gone, so I am starting to feel better...slowly. I have an appointment with my urologist on Wednesday as a follow-up to my kidney surgery, so I'm going to mention it to them just to rule out anything with my kidneys. Lord, let's hope that there's nothing else wrong with them. If he tells me that there's something else wrong, I'm just going to tell him to remove both of them...and I'm serious (okay not really, but I'll be really upset).

Jeremy and I got into a slightly heated conversation about the "no kids" thing the other day. I asked him why he doesn't want any, and he spouted off a few valid (although lame in my opinion) reasons. For instance, he says they are too expensive. I told him you don't need to be a millionare in order to have children. He disagreed. He said kids take away from the valuable time you get to spend with your wife. I told him that kids only bring you closer together as a husband and wife. He disagreed. He also said that he just doesn't like kids. Well that point was put to the test the other night on the 4th of July. His parents had a party, and we stopped by for a little while. The second we walked in the door, two little boys ran up to Jeremy and wanted to "play wrestle". Jeremy immediately started playing with them, and he was amazing! The way he interacted with these kids melted my heart. It completely contradicted what he said about not liking them. When I asked him why he said he doesn't like kids, when clearly he does, he said it's because he gets to give them back to their parents at the end of the night. Hogwash. I honestly think he is just being stubborn. I know that is something really strange to be stubborn about, but I just think he's full of it. So...needless to say, I am not going to let this come between us at this time. We have both agreed to disagree for now. Now in six months, if we're getting more and more serious, and he still vehemently says he doesn't want kids...then I may need to make a decision at that point. But I'm having too much fun right now to break this off on a "what if" scenario.

Work has been another factor in my "funk" lately. I really try hard not to complain about my job because I absolutely love the company I work for, and it's the people I work with that keep me there. Granted, ever since we took a bailout from the government, things have gone down the toilet...but I just try to count my blessings that I still have my job. I have played many different roles since I started four years ago, the most recent (and longest lasting) role has been working with our internal lending branches to refinance homeowners (short refinances). I started this role right when the project rolled out two years ago and noone knew what they were doing...I love this role...and I am good at this role. I take pride in all of this. But about two months ago, I was given additional work because the refinance referrals were slowing down, and the bosses didn't think I had enough to do in an eight hour work day. About three weeks after the additional work was piled on, thing picked back up in the refinance world and I became slammed. The additional work was not taken away, so I found myself doing two jobs at once...dividing up my day between the two. Apparently, I have not been very successful at doing this because my boss told me the other day he was disappointed in my recent performance. I was heartbroken. Like I said, I take pride in being a good and valuable employee, and have never once (in my four year tenure) had a boss tell me I was doing a less than par job. My initial reaction was to be defensive and mad...but after thinking it through, I decided to be a big girl and take the criticism constructively. So, for the last few days, I have been working my butt off trying to prove that I can handle anything they throw at me...trying to redeem my good name. I'm stressed to say the least. But I'm trying to remain optimistic...looking for the silver lining in this whole thing (something I wouldn't have been able to do before treatment).

Well, like I said in the beginning of this post, I knew it would become really long...so let's call this "1 of 2".

More to this post later...

Today's affirmation: "Today I will develop my optimistic attitude: I am in charge of my life".

Sweet Vivian

Please pray for this precious little girl, Vivian. I have known Vivian her entire life, and her family for over 17 years. This family is beyond amazing, and they hold a very special place in my heart. Sweet Vivian is dangerously ill and on a ventilator in the PICU. I won't go into any more details, as you can read about her here: http://www.weaselsjourney.com/
Please say a special prayer that God will heal this child and offer comfort and understanding for the family. I truly believe in the power of prayer and the plans that God has set in place for each and every one of us.

Brooke

I am so frustrated right now...

and need some unbiased advice. This could've waited until tomorrow morning to post, but if I don't blog about it now I may not be able to sleep tonight. As you know, Jeremy came back into my life, unexpectedly, about three weeks ago. Wait, make that a month ago. Man, where does the time go? We have been hanging out, going out on dates, talking on the phone every night, and texting each other during the day. Things are going great. It almost feels as though we never broke up in the first place...even though it's been over two years since we last dated. We both decided that, even though it feels natural to pick things up where we left off, to take things slow and start off by getting to know each other again. He just got out of a relationship (with a horrible human being by the way), and I am obviously going through my own healing process.

Because I was upfront and honest with him from the beginning about ED, he has been open and honest with me about things in his life. It's really been great...until recently. There is one issue that he has brought up on numerous occasions (tonight being one of them), that I cannot seem to wrap my head around. He does not want kids. At all. Go ahead...gasp or say "wow" because I sure did the first time it was brought up. I have always wanted to be a mommy from the time I was a little girl. I imagined having three kids, a couple of pets, and a husband that shared my love for both of the above. But he doesn't want that. At first I thought he was just being a smart ass...trying to be macho or whatever. I thought to myself...'if I happen to be the "One", and we get married, he'll change his mind'. But the more it gets brought up, the more I am beginning to realize he is dead serious. He does not want kids. I don't know what to do about this. On the one hand, this is the best thing that has happened to me in oh so long...and I don't want to end it after only four weeks because of something that he might change his mind about later on down the road. But on the other hand, if he never changes his mind, I might waste precious time with someone who doesn't share my same ideals. My head is spinning. I mean, should I really be concerned at this stage in the relationship? Should I give it more time, so we can get to know each other better and then make a decision? Should I get out now?

Tonight after I asked him if he was dead serious about the "no kids" thing...I wanted to purge so badly. I wanted to punish myself, even though I had done nothing wrong. ED was telling me that I would feel better if I threw up my dinner. I vehemently told ED to go where the sun don't shine, so yay for me. But I am still super upset over this. I honestly don't know what I should do.

I am open for suggestions, so please leave a comment.

And no affirmation right now...I am too grumpy.

Skinny Jeans

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love clothes and have quite a collection hanging in my closet. It's funny though, even with all the variety I have, I tend to wear the same things over and over again. One of the things I love the most (besides tank tops...I must own close to 50 or so) are jeans. Seven For All Mankind, Joes Jeans, Express, Lucky Brand, etc...you name it, and I love them. Before treatment, I could fit into all of them. In fact, most days they were too big and would almost fall off of me. I loved this. It was like a big accomplishment to me. Big jeans = skinny Brooke. If ever they started to feel "snug", just meant that I wasn't skinny enough and needed to lose a few pounds. I would literally throw a fit if this happened...throwing the jeans on the floor like a two year-old...jumping up and down...cursing at myself for being so "fat". It was pretty immature to be honest. In a way, I measured my self-worth by how I looked in my jeans.

During treatment we talked about how most people with EDs own a collection of "skinny clothes"...clothes that were obviously not our size...clothes that we desperately tried to fit into (by means unnecessary). We talked about how we needed to get rid of these skinny clothes because we were getting healthy (aka gaining weight), and keeping them would only keep us sick. They compared this to an alcoholic. Why would someone, who's trying to get sober, keep a stash of alcohol in the house? Why would they tempt themselves like this? It's pure insanity. Skinny clothes are the same way for people with an ED. It's just a daily reminder of the way we used to be...the way we want to still be. The treatment team suggested we all bring our skinny clothes (most of which were jeans for everyone) and have a burning party. Gasp! I just couldn't even fathom burning my most prized posessions! First of all, I wasn't ready to let go of them...and second of all, that is just such a waste of money. Okay, so the money part is not really a huge deal. I mean, it's just fabric afterall...easily replaceable. What it really boiled down to was not wanting to let go of those clothes.

After I was released from treatment (I had gained a good, healthy ten pounds) I did go through my closet and weed out some of the things that were just not appropriate for my new body anymore. Clothes that I used to wear that made me feel proud of how skinny I was. You can ask my mom and sister...I got rid of alot of stuff! But...the skinny jeans stayed. I just could not bring myself to part with them...and still haven't to this day (four months later). I hadn't even tried any of them on, because I knew that would lead to one of my two year-old tantrums. Hadn't tried any of them on until this morning. I don't know what came over me while I was getting ready for work. I think I thought that maybe...just maybe...I would be able to fit into them because I haven't really been eating that much over the last few weeks. Boy was I wrong! Each pair I tried on was so tight...so uncomfortable...so not my size anymore. I can't tell you the rage that overtook my body this morning...the feelings of disgust, hatred, and frustration towards my body. I was livid. So, I ended up putting on the only pair of jeans that fit me right now. The same jeans I wear every day. No, they're not the cutest, most fashionable pair, but they're comfortable. And, to top it off, they're a little too big on me (mostly because they're stretched out from wearing them so much). People are probably wondering if I even own another pair of jeans. But at this point I really don't care what other people think. I do need to confess, however, that some of the jeans I own do "fit" me...they're just not big like I like them. And in my sick mind, if they're not too big, then they're too small. I could probably wear half of the pairs I own, and look just fine...but I can't stand for anything to squeeze me even just a little bit. If I am wearing something that is squeezing me, then I will be miserable all...day...long. I will obsess about it so much that I won't be able to focus on anything else. It's sad.

I know what you're thinking (so mom and Alexis, you don't have to say a word)...I need to get rid of these awful articles of clothing that make me want to starve myself. But I am just not ready yet. They said in treatment that it may take some time...that one day we will be ready to part with our "sick clothes". I know they're right...I am just not there yet. So for now, they will sit in my closet...tucked away and out of sight...until I am healthy enough to donate them (or possibly burn them). Recovery is not easy...it is a lifelong battle.

Today's affirmation: "If I expect recovery to be easy, I will become frustrated. The easy stuff doesn't teach us much...what is difficult and challenging enhances my growth".

Favorite Quotes

Since it's Friday and rainy, I'm feeling kind of lazy...so I don't have much to blog about. I thought I'd share some of my favorite quotes with you. It always amazes me the power of words...to lift you up when you're feeling down...empower you when you feel powerless...to give you hope when you're feeling hopeless. Hope you enjoy these words like I do.

"Be who you are...say what you feel...those who mind don't matter...and those who matter don't mind" -Dr. Suess

"May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be"

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live the life you've always imagined"

"You have to laugh at yourself, because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't" -Indigo Girls

"Work like you don't need the money...dance like noone's watching...love like you've never been hurt"

"Life is a journey, not a destination"

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly"

"I suffer from CDO. It's like OCD...but in alphabetical order, the way it should be"

Happy Friday everyone!!

Tools for the Journey

In treatment, we were given a booklet that was titled "Tools for the Journey". Inside, it talks about each step in our journey to recovery. There were four steps, or phases: The Castle, The Labyrinth, The Forest, and The Bridge. Everyone starts off in the Castle. Think of it this way...each person is like a prisoner trapped inside the castle trying to escape...in other words, we are being held prisoner by our eating disorders. In order to escape the castle, you had to first admit you had a problem and begin to identify yourself as an addict (yes, people with eating disorders are addicts just like alcoholics, except our drug of choice is food...hence the quotation at the top of my blog adapted from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous). There were also certain things you needed to accomplish during treatment in order to move from the castle to the labyrinth. For instance, you had to be syptom free for three consecutive days. You couldn't chew gum (something people with EDs often do to stave off hunger)...you coudln't shake your legs during process group (another thing we often do to burn calories, although I never had a problem with that)...and you had to use three recovery tools each day, such as peer phone calls, journaling, or using your "Higher Power". Now we all know how stubborn I am, and as I mentioned in an earlier post, I had a hard time utilizing my "tools". So after about two weeks, I managed to move to the next phase in the journey. However, I had a slight relapse after that which put me right back in the damn castle (they don't mess around in treatment).

The reason I am referencing the Journey in this post is because I feel like I have reverted back to the castle and am stuck there, screaming to get out. These past two or three weeks have just been awful. I mentioned earlier that I had a small setback a couple of weeks ago, and since then I haven't been able to get back on track. I have gone from wanting to binge and purge all the time, to not wanting to eat at all. I am so frustrated right now. I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday, and of course they weighed me (damn scale)! I did my best to try and look away from the numbers, but then the nurse said out loud, "well you weigh xxx pounds. Damnit! I haven't weight myself in weeks, and was perfectly fine not knowing my weight, and then she had to ruin it for me. But in her defense, I could have easily asked her not to tell me how much I weighed. So, needless to say, I am fixated on that number...thinking I am as heavy as a whale...and I can't get it out of my head. Sigh.

I don't think I have completely relapsed (and hopefully will not), but I definitely feel like I have taken four major steps backwards. I worked so hard in treatment that I don't want to ruin it all now. So for now, I am sitting in the window at the top of the castle looking down at the labyrinth, wanting to be there so desperately.

Today's affirmation: "If I let myself down by slipping back into old habits, I can gently correct my course without feeling that I have failed".

This could explain so much...

My friend sent me this article yesterday, and I thought it was pretty interesting.
http://www.aolhealth.com/2010/06/16/study-human-brain-naturally-distorts-body-image

It is so true that people with EDs see their bodies so much differently than the rest of the world. People tell me all the time, "you're so tiny". But when I look in the mirror, I do not see a tiny person...I see a large, unattractive person. Even when I see pictures of myself, I still see the same thing. It's odd though...I can look at other girls and think they are beautiful...regardless of their size. I just wish that I could see the same beauty in my own reflection.

Read the article, and let me know your thoughts.

Today's affirmation: "I will not be hard on myself today".

Just because I am having an especially hard day today...

I thought I'd post some extra affirmations.

" The shape of my body does not change who I am"

"I have the courage to eat today"

"Eating regularly helps my mind and body to function normally"

" I deserve to feel good about my body"

"I invite into my life people who support and nurture me"

"I give myself premission to ask for comfort and support"

"I am supported and loved by unseen friends and mentors"

"I am thankful for what I have"

"I have the courage to live in the moment"

"I live in the present"

"I take one thing at a time"

"I am feminine in the finest sense of the word"

"I am worthwile and capable even though I make mistakes"